My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, however he doesn’t love. We’ve had discussions about it and he has told me that he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. He doesn’t even know what love is, because he’s never been in love. His relationship with me is the longest he’s ever been in. We’ve spoken about and have been planning a future together. He wants to get married and have a nice ceremony with me. I would prefer just eloping, but he won’t have that. People think the situation is crazy and can’t fathom the idea of being with someone so long and not loving them. I love my boyfriend, very much. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, however I haven’t said anything to him about it.
My question is, is this normal for a guy? Can a guy actually want to marry a girl, have a planned out future with her and not love her? How long does it take for guy actually fall in love? Will my boyfriend ever love me?
We’re sorry. This sounds tough.
You ask a lot of important questions, but we think the most important question is: Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you? Seems to us that that’s the first question you might ask yourself. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you, just as you love and respect them. If that’s not there, eventually you’ll grow to resent him, and it will only get worse over time.
That said, we’ll answer your questions now.
- Is this normal for a guy? This is not about him being a guy. There are one of three things going on. (He doesn’t love you and is afraid to tell you the truth. He doesn’t love you and is afraid of being alone. He has no self-awareness and really has no clue how he feels.) You might cling to the third possibility we mentioned because it implies that there’s hope for change. And maybe that’s true. But if he’s truly not self-aware enough to know how he feels, then is he really the kind of partner you want to be with for your life? Lack of self-awareness spills over into every decision a person makes.
- Can a guy actually want to a marry a person he doesn’t love? Yes, it’s possible. It all depends on what his motivations are for getting married. Some people marry for security and because they don’t want to be alone. We’re not saying that those are necessarily bad reasons for getting hitched. But if they are the reasons then they should be mutual.
- How long does it take for a guy to fall in love? Hard to say definitively. Falling in love vs. falling in lust. There are too many things to consider. Many guys say they are in love from the first moment they see a woman. Of course, that’s more likely lust, or some other chemical reaction. Still, that sort of attraction can endure, but only if there are other pieces in place. Mutual trust, respect, interests, values.
- Will my boyfriend ever love me? Honestly, if he hasn’t figured it out after three years he’s not going to. Which makes us think that he just doesn’t want to tell you the truth. What do you think?
You know Sam, you’ve got to trust your gut here. What is it telling you? Does this relationship work for you? Are you getting all of your needs met? We think you need to do some soul searching, maybe even as much as he does.
We wish you all the best in figuring this out. Let us know if you have any other follow-up questions. Leave in the comments below.
ps. Read our ebook, “Inside your Guy’s Mind” for more information on guys.