So I’ve been seeing this guy for the past two months after we met online. We have a TON in common and even though he has his flaws, they are all things I would be willing to compromise/work on if we were to become exclusive.
From the very first time we met we hit it off and I had believed that we were getting closer and closer to actually becoming exclusive but he keeps pulling away and lately he’s been acting like a complete ass! He has been busy because of his job and I straight up told him I missed him and didn’t feel like I was a priority for him anymore and his response was to emphasize the fact that we are NOT boyfriend/girlfriend so I should stop making him feel bad.
Yet he keeps sending mixed messages, like when we’re alone together we’ll be listening to music and he’ll pull me towards him to dance in his living room, or we’ll be snuggling and he’ll do the whole pull me closer and inhale your scent thing.
In past experiences this has meant that a guy really likes me. Am I just getting used?
What’s going on in his head!?
Dear Seriously Confused,
Thanks for your question. And we can understand your confusion.
To us, being used implies some sort of deceit. If he was leading you on, and talking about the future, and giving you the impression that the two of you were a committed couple, then yes, we would say he’s using you. But he’s clearly stated that you are not boyfriend/girlfriend.
The issue arises when there are mixed-signals, or perceived mixed-signals. To us, he’s being straightforward and telling you how he feels. To you—and to many women—his actions are saying something else entirely. But an important distinction needs to be made. His actions are based on his interest in a good time, which includes sex. His words are based on his interest in an actual relationship. (You need to listen to his words.)
So the questions really are: What does he really want? Why is he acting like he’s totally into me, but then says we’re not boyfriend/girlfriend?
Basically, he’s not looking for what you’re looking for. He’s looking for a good time and for sex. There’s a disconnect going on, and so we can totally understand why you feel you’re being used. We strongly suggest the two of you sit down and have a chat about the “relationship.” And we recommend you don’t do this while you’re hanging out in your apartment. (Away from any thoughts of sex.) Do this over coffee, lunch, or possibly dinner. Or maybe while you’re out for a walk.
It’s possible he just needs more time, but it’s likely he already knows how serious he wants to be. Hopefully, he’ll come around. Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And definitely keep us posted. (Use comments below.)
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