How do I define my relationship?

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Dear Guys,

All of my experiences with guys have been sexually based, either hookups or some sort of casual sex arrangements. So what’s happening between me and this particular guy is a bit confusing to me.

We had a mutual understanding that neither of us wanted anything serious or exclusive, other than a sexual relationship. He lives about an hour away and I don’t drive, so he always comes over to my place and stays the night. We’ve been seeing each other for about five months now, and we meet between once a week to once a month depending on both of our schedules. I was under the assumption that he would only text me to hang out whenever he happens to be in town, but sometimes he’ll say that he wants to meet even when he’s at home and then he drives an hour to my town.

He’s into cuddling and everything and often times will be affectionate after sex and during sleep. (Like kissing my shoulders and back, massaging my neck when I seem to be stressed out). We’ve gone out a few times to dinner/brunch before or after hooking up, and just recently he kissed me while we were out dining, which is something I never do with guys. I’d probably always be somewhat drunk when we are together and he rarely drinks due to personal preference. I’ve definitely been emotional in front of him a couple times (crying out of nowhere) and he would touch my back or offer to cuddle or talk. He’s also recently opened up to me about his mental illness issue. One time when I was half drunk I said I wanted to TRY an exclusive sexual relationship with him, and emphasize that I wasn’t asking for him to commit, but he stated that he hadn’t been seeing anyone else.

Problem is that I haven’t had any experience in monogamous relationships and probably have some trust issues. I started seeing other guys again because I didn’t feel like we were meeting often enough. (About 2-3 weeks gap in between). He said he was okay with it and as long as we communicate. How would you define what we have? How often do people typically have sex if they are in a monogamous sexual relationship? Should I have tried harder to commit to him?


Dear JJ,

We’re not surprised you’re a little confused. The very nature of arrangements based solely on sex are ripe for confusion. That said, he does seem to be cautiously crossing some boundaries into possibly something that looks an awful like an exclusive relationship. That said, without having a heart-to-heart conversation with him and finding out from the horse’s mouth, all of this is just conjecture.

But what about you? When did your trust issues surface? Can you think of some particular event/relationship that may have been the catalyst for your issues?

We get the sense that you might be interested in seeing what might happen if you commit to this guy. Is that true? And if so, then why did you introduce other guys into the mix? Is this your way of protecting yourself? (Like, safety in numbers.) Seems that it might be. What do you think?

Okay, so here are some reasons that he may want more than just a sexual relationship with you.

  1. He takes you out before/after sex.
  2. PDA: Public Display of Affection
  3. Opening up about personal issues.
  4. Not seeing anyone else. And told you this.

Cuddling with you is not an indicator. That’s likely his hormones. Even after sex.

Here are some reasons he might just want a sexual relationship with you.

  1. He doesn’t see you that often. Or doesn’t try to see you more than once a week.
  2. He says he’s okay with you seeing other guys.
  3. Hasn’t talked to you about getting more serious.

So where does this leave you? Well, here’s our response to your questions, which will give you an idea where we think you stand.

Should you have tried harder? There’s still time. So yes, we think you might want to try a little harder to find out where he stands, and if he’s interested in giving a relationship a shot. (We get the sense you’d like that.)

How often do people have sex? That depends a lot on availability. How close you live to each other. How busy you are. How motivated you are to have sex. We’d say anywhere from 1-3 times per week sounds about right.

We hope this helps give you a plan for moving forward. Let us know if you have any foll0w-up questions. Leave in the comments section below.



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Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice about Defining Relationships. 






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