How Do Men Process Sex?

Dear Guys,

I was wondering, in general, how does a guy process anything sexual?

The reason I ask is because my live-in boyfriend of five years is very private when it comes down to almost anything sexual. Don’t get me wrong, we do engage in sex as a couple. But we are lucky to have sex once- every two to three weeks, if that. It isn’t because I want it like that either.

I have expressed to him (many times since we’ve been together) about our sexual activities being at where they are, and how I would like to have it more often then what we are having now. With that being said, I am a very a understanding person. So I try not to be negative or become “pushy” in my relationship.

However, I do notice that he masturbates WAY more than we have sex. I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t hurt me mentally or emotionally. I have tried multiple times to explain my feelings to him about it, but nothing has changed. It’s not really the maturbating part of him that I don’t get, it’s the fact he chooses to maturbate over having sex with me. I have even offered to watch porn (that he watches) together in hopes that it would lead to sex, but he turned me down by saying that he’d rather not watch porn with anybody and I should respect that.

So now it makes me think he is super sensitive to both sex and masturbation.
Like he picks when he wants sex with me and completely hides away his masturbation.

Guys, could you please help me better understand why my boyfriend may be like this and is there any advice to approach this without hurting my relationship?

Much thanks in advance,

Lyndy

Dear Lyndy,

Thanks for your question. We think many women will be interested in hearing a guy’s perspective on this topic.

You know, as we began reading your note we first thought this might be a physiological issue, but after reading further it seems that this is a choice your boyfriend is making.

What a satisfying sexual relationship looks like may vary from couple to couple, but certainly good sex can bring a couple closer together and inject some fun along the way. It sounds to us that you’re frustrated with that aspect of your relationship, and hurt by his behavior. And we get it. There IS an issue here. And that is, your boyfriend is making a choice that is affecting you. And he doesn’t seem to acknowledge that this is an issue, and instead insists that you respect his privacy.

You are correct when you say that the issue isn’t really masturbation. Guys will masturbate even when they are completely satisfied with the sex they are having. Why? Well, in some ways, masturbation is a completely separate activity than having sex. Masturbation lives in the fantasy world and is similar to a business transaction for guys. Make the deal and then move on. The issue arises when a guy chooses masturbation over having sex with his significant other. (Like in your case.) Masturbating frequently will definitely lower his desire to have sex with you. So what your boyfriend is really choosing is his fantasy life over his real life. And so, yes Lyndy, you should be somewhat concerned about what’s taking place.

So what can you do?

Look, having a heart-to-heart conversation about your sexual relationship is completely appropriate in this case. But before you go that route you need to first ask yourself some questions, because it’s very likely that he will get upset if you bring up the topic. And if that happens the conversation could affect that state of your relationship, now and in the future.

Some Questions to Ask Yourself First:

  1. If nothing changes, will my sexual relationship with my boyfriend be enough for me?
  2. What if the sex becomes less frequent than now? How am I going to feel then?
  3. Am I willing to risk losing him if I bring up the issue? Or try to work through it?
  4. If I bring up the topic will that only make things worse, and close him off to me?

Only you can answer these questions Lyndy, not us. However, if you do decide to move forward just try to be sensitive but direct. Talk about how you’re feeling and then ask him what he thinks about that. Something like, “I really love you and want to be with you, but I want this relationship to work for you and for me. I know we’ve had this conversation before but we really need to have it again. Etc.”( Or something better in your own words.) The point is, don’t accuse him of anything or you’ll shut him down.

We’re going to stop for now. Any follow-up questions? Leave in the comments below.

Take care and good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. If you haven’t read our ebook, “Inside your Guy’s Mind” you might want to pick it up on Amazon. Lots of good info in there and we’ve been told it’s a fun read as well! If you do, please leave us a review. Thanks!

 

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