We have great sex; so why doesn’t he want to be my boyfriend? (Sex Advice)

Dear Guys,

I could really do with a male perspective right now. I’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks now and it’s going great . We get on really well and the sex is amazing. We’ve actually seen each other every day for the last two weeks. Now here’s the issue. He says he doesn’t want us to have a relationship. I don’t get that. Why? He acts like we are together. Like I said we’ve been seeing each other everyday; he usually stays the night with me, and is very affectionate at home and in public. If his friends phone he always tells them he’s with me so they clearly know about me. He even says himself that he treats me like his girlfriend and that he’s happy with me.

So why wouldn’t he want it to develop? Its not like he’s seeing other people. In fact that’s something he said he won’t do while we’re seeing each other. He says our age gap and lifestyles are an issue. I’m 25 with two children and he is 21. I’ve said I’m not looking for a dad for my kids and he says he knows that. So why is it an issue?

My head is telling me to quit seeing him now before I get in too deep but my heart says to stay with him and hope that it does develop. I would really like a male perspective here. Xxx


Dear Kelly,

Thanks for your question. We know this is confusing for you so we’ll start by explaining the mindset of a 21 year-old guy.

He’s got sex on his brain. In fact the sole purpose of almost everything he does is to enhance his ability to meet women, and then possibly sleep with them. Sure there are those few mature 21 year-old guys who might be looking for a serious relationship, but most want to party, go out to the bars, peruse dating sites, look at porn, and keep things light.

As per his concerns about your age and lifestyle. They are related. What he’s saying is he doesn’t want an instant family. And even though you say you’re not looking for a daddy for your kids, the reality is, any guy who is involved with you will also be interacting with your kids. When this guy does finally settle down he’ll want to start fresh with someone who’s experiencing it all for the first time. (Marriage and children we mean) Guys, especially young guys, typically want to have their own family. Raising someone else’s kids is not high on their priority list. So Kelly, this is really less about your age, and more about life stage. The two of you are at different junctures in your lives. You may be intersecting now, but that is likely temporary.

You might wonder why he doesn’t want to see other people. For now, he’s content. He’s enjoying the time with you and from what you say, he probably doesn’t even have time to hunt for other prospects. He certainly doesn’t want you sleeping with other guys while he’s with you. It’s a territorial thing, a guy thing. Don’t confuse exclusivity with commitment; they are two very different beasts.

Our advice: If you’re worried about getting hurt, or getting pulled into something that isn’t going anywhere, we’d suggest that you extract yourself from this situation and find a more mature guy, who embraces every part of you, including your children.

Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. And keep us posted as to what you decide to do.

Take care,


ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.



3 Comments on We have great sex; so why doesn’t he want to be my boyfriend? (Sex Advice)

  1. “Don’t confuse exclusivity with commitment; they are two very different beasts.” Could you guys explain further the difference between these two? I think I have them mixed up in my head! Thanks.

  2. I have a similar situation. Met a guy who had been in a relationship for years. He said he wasn’t happy in that relationship. He broke up with her and shortly started dating me. It was going way to fast; within a month of started dating we flew to his home country to meet his family and we were talking about a future together. He is 33 and I’m 35. Three months into it, he said he needed space and cut off all communication. Took me a couple of months to hear back from him and realize that he had cut off communication because he felt confused about his ex starting a new relationship, and his feelings about me. When he picked up communication again, he said he wasn’t ready to date again so he wanted us to be friends, because he did love me. He even said that he wasn’t looking for a new girl, that he just needed time and when he’d felt he was ready, it was most likely be me he’d date. We started hanging out as friends, then things got confusing as we started hanging out more like a couple than as friends. We’d do everything together, again talk about a future together but we weren’t together. Then in one conversation I finally asked him what the hold up was. We’ve been at this for 3 months this time around. We spend a lot of of free time together, have similar interests, have a lot of laughs together, in my head we are a couple. Only thing is, we are not in his. He said again he wasn’t ready but he felt selfish because he doesn’t want me to date other people. When I asked him what the difference was between being together and whatever we were doing, he said “the difference is, I’m not committed to you”. Fast forward a month, and he was going back to his country for a few weeks and when he was leaving, he told me he was ready for us to be boyfriend-girlfriend. He said he knew he had a girl that loved him and did a lot for him, a girl whom he loved too, and wanted to be with her, and that he didn’t want to bee looking for anybody when he already had found her. Then, at that precise moment, he took it back. He said that he didn’t know when he’d be back and that it wouldn’t be fair on me, so to wait until he came back for us to be officially a couple. I do have strong feelings for him, but I also have doubts. Is he playing me? The only thing I don’t trust him on, is his online activities. He adds more girls from all over the place than anybody I know. He claims he knows them all, but seriously, he’s never been to Colombia or Japan to have met them. Some of them stay in his friends list, others get deleted just as fast. I know he chats with them, always messaging, and it hasn’t really bothered me until recently because it can only go so far. He is a very shy person in “real life”, and doesn’t have easy flirting or getting lucky with the ladies. He is not a guy who, when single, went out to get laid. So in that sense it never bothered me. But now it has started to bother me. He is still away, and sent me a picture he claimed to have taken for me, while chatting with me. It shows him posing bare-chested, showing of his 6 pack and biceps. Thing is, we were chatting at noon, and this picture was taking at night, with the light on, and him smiling big at the screen of his laptop. He is obviously skypeing with the girls he is communicating online with, and it does seem it is sexually charged content. I think it could be that he is so shy and frustrated -maybe?- in real life, he’s living out his fantasies with strangers in the safety of online chats.. really, I don’t know what to think. So all in all, is this guy just leading me on and have no serious intention with me? His constant putting me on pause and now internet habits do make me wonder. I would appreciate some male insight! Thanks.

  3. @Jasmin…..Guys are territorial. Even if all they want is sex, they still don’t want the woman they’re with to have sex with anyone else. Of course, they can do what they want with as many people as they want. And thus the double standard. That’s what we mean by exclusivity. Some guys will want to keep their options open but have the woman be exclusive with them. From your story, that’s what we’re seeing. We have no reason to believe he’ll ever actually commit to you. It kind of sounds like he’s trying to convince himself to be in love with you. He knows you’re great but something isn’t right for him. It could be anything, and probably has as much to do with him as you. (Meaning, don’t change. You’re doing nothing wrong.)But he’s got to see it for himself. If he doesn’t, then that’s his loss. And anyway, you want a guy who is as into you as you are into them. We’re not seeing it with this guy. He’s keeping you on hold while he’s off exploring and doing whatever he wants.

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