Can you explain men and masturbation to me? I am at a loss. My boyfriend and I have incredible sex, however, lately I catch him looking at porn on the internet and masturbating. He says sometimes it is just easier. However, I am feeling neglected. We used to have sex all the time, now I am in competition with his masturbation schedule. I am not unattractive, I am very responsive in bed, I just feel rejected by his preference to beat his own meat then mine. We have watched each other masturbate and I love it; I love just watching him, but now he is being all secretive about it and I know he is doing it.
I heard the saying from a friend the other day, “No matter how good looking the girl is, there is some man out there tired of having sex with her.” Is this true? What should I do to make him choose to have sex with me instead of porn and himself?
Thanks for your question. We can totally understand why you’d be confused. (You, along with most women.) Once we stop chuckling to ourselves, we think we can clear this up for you and many of our readers.
(Pause…….) Okay, we’re ready now.
First of all that quote you mention comes from a Chris Rock routine. The actual quote is, “Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a woman some man is tired of having sex with.” What that means is, men crave variety. No matter how beautiful their woman is, she can only be herself. Meaning, she can’t be the leggy bombshell at the office, or the hot redhead at the gym, or the seductive bartender at the local dive, or the cute teacher who gets her coffee every morning at 7am.., or….., or….. The thing is, the craving for variety never ends, because that’s how men are wired. It’s our nature. Enter masturbation.
Contrary to public opinion—or maybe the opinion of a majority of women—not all guys cheat. Chris Rock also said, “A man is only as faithful as his options.” Which also rings of truth. It’s much easier for the slightly paunchy suburban dad to remain faithful than his rich, well-tuned, LA brethren who have women hitting on them night and day. But, even still, we believe that most men try hard to be good men, which means keeping their “meat” in their pants long enough to make it home to their partner. (Or if their partner’s sleeping, their right hand. Most guys are righties.)
Masturbation and a healthy sex life can coexist. Actually in some ways they were meant to coexist because it’s a way of keeping fantasies in check. Masturbation is easy, relatively fast, and a pretty easy clean up. The routine: Pop on a quick video, search for a few nudie pics online, look at a girlie mag, then go at it. Simple really, and once it’s done, a guy is good to go about his day.
What most women don’t understand is that guys don’t masturbate because they’re not happy with their woman. Quite the contrary. Guys masturbate just as much when they’re in a happy relationship as when they’re not. The fact is, guys just like to masturbate. It feels good, it’s easy, and it’s a way to satisfy a few fantasies along the way. We know it’s hard to not feel threatened by it, but truly it isn’t about you, and what you lack. It’s a different beast entirely. Separate from you.
There are health benefits as well. Regular ejaculations are supposed to promote prostrate health. But we’re talking 4-5 ejaculations a week. And unless a guy’s woman doesn’t have a job, or other responsibilities or interests, a few of these ejaculations need to be taken care of without her. (That’s not to say that every guy masturbates 3-4 times a week. Not everyone has the time or energy. But rest assured, guys are doing it as much as they are able. Every guy. Well, almost every guy. There are those……)
But masturbation can become a problem when it starts to creep into a couple’s sex life, and actually starts replacing real intimacy. And in your case this seems to be happening. Watching each other masturbate can be a very intimate and fun activity; it can be a nice change from the familiar routine that many couples fall into. But when your guy’s “activities” start replacing the sexual connection the two of you have, it becomes an issue, and it starts to fall into the addiction category.
The other issue with too much self-pleasuring is that it can diminish a guy’s sex drive so he’s not that enthusiastic for real sex, at least for a day or two afterwards. When he starts prioritizing ease of use, over actual sexual relations, you’ve got yourself an issue.
It sounds like your situation is a relatively new one, so it can nipped in the bud. You need to start talking about this. Instead of getting angry and defensive, see if you can figure out why he’s doing it more now, and work out some sort of agreement/solution. We know, it sounds businesslike, but often, just getting the conversation started can lead to new understanding and a solution both partners can live with.
However, if your boyfriend keeps neglecting you, and choosing porn over you, then you need to take a hard look at this relationship, and this guy. Men masturbate, and will continue to masturbate as long as they can, but that activity should never replace intimacy, and actual sexual relations.
We hope this helps clear up a few things for you. Please share this information with your friends. And feel free to ask us a follow up question. Or leave us a comment here in the comments section below.
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