I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth

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THE GUYS

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Hey Guys,

I’ve been a habitual cheater since my first relationship two years ago. At the end of my last relationship—long distance— I went to parties and started hooking up with random guys. I felt terrible about it and admitted it to my boyfriend and it crushed him. I lost his trust and although he wanted to forgive me and keep going, I felt that our relationship would never be the same. So I ended it.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about him and what I did to him. The guilt never seems to fade.

The thing is, now I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a new guy for about 3 months now and I’ve also cheated on him. We jumped into the relationship about two weeks after we met at a party and I felt confident that I wouldn’t cheat on him because I felt so strongly about him. Yet I did. But that was about a month and half ago and I never told him about it and haven’t done it again because when I was in the moment of cheating I had an epiphany that I love my boyfriend and I don’t want anyone else. We’re so compatible and he tells me he loves me and that I’m the one. He is also the one for me. But when I talk to him, sometimes the guilt creeps up again and I have a conflicted urge to just tell him.

He says nothing I say or do could make him fall out of love with me, but this would break his heart and I’d lose his trust being so far away.

I’m afraid this feeling will always be lingering in the back of my mind. I plan on staying with him for a very long time. Should I tell him or keep it a secret?

Thank you in advance.

Meghan

Dear Meghan,

Thanks for your question.

Have you ever read the book, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky? Somehow your conundrum, and your feelings of guilt, remind us of the internal struggle of Raskolnikov, the main character in the book. No, you haven’t actually committed a crime, but clearly you have feelings of remorse for cheating that you’re trying to come to terms with.

Here is the true dilemma: If you stay with your new boyfriend and actually remain faithful from here on out, can you live with the knowledge that you were once unfaithful to him, even if he never finds out?

In a perfect world there would be no secrets between lovers, partners, and spouses. We’d all be open minded and accepting of each other’s imperfections and mistakes. We’d love each other just as we love our kids: unconditionally.

But alas, there is no perfect world, and our love typically bears the weight of many conditions—loyalty is one of them. You’re right when you suspect your boyfriend would no longer trust you if you told him of your indiscretions. Once trust is lost in a relationship it’s very difficult to get back. And it takes strength and courage from the person who was cheated on to forgive and try to move on. (Of course, remember that your last boyfriend seemed willing to give you a second chance after you told him you cheated on him.)

What we’re wondering is why? Why Meghan are you feeling the need to cheat? This question seems even more important than whether or not to tell your boyfriend you cheated. What is going on internally for you that you’re seeking attention and validation from other men? We’re not therapists. We’re not doctors. But we do think that question might be worth exploring with a professional. Because once you get to the root of the problem you might get clarity on your basic question: Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated?

Unfortunately Meghan there isn’t one right answer here. Everyone is different. Some guys would say they would want to know if they were cheated on by their girlfriend. Other guys would say that as long as their girlfriend is no longer cheating they would rather not know.

Our advice: Take a harder look at why you’re behaving the way you’re behaving. We just get this sense from you that you’re uncertain about whether or not you can stop this behavior. And maybe your uncertainty is what’s causing you to feel so guilty about this. Maybe if you trusted yourself and knew that it would never happen again you could move forward in this relationship and chalk up your cheating up to a really bad mistake that you’ll never repeat.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section, and we’ll reply to you here as well.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you no matter what you decide to do.

THE GUYS

ps. We’d love to hear from some of our readers as well. What are your opinions? Meghan would probably appreciate more viewpoints on this.

50 Comments on I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth

  1. Well here is my view on it. I’ve been the victim of a girl that did that to me (more than once). Now I’m at a point in life where I would really rather the honesty. I think you really need to tell your new boyfriend the truth. You owe it to him because you entered into a relationship with him and broke that bond of commitment and faithfulness.
    That aside the question remains. Why do you keep cheating? No one else is going to have the true answer. Only you. But that aside maybe this is why. Maybe your not truly ready for a commuted relationship. Perhaps you like the idea of it more than being in it. In that case it is best to really stay away from commitment until you are so sure that no one could convince you otherwise.
    So in short. Tell him what’s happened and decide do you truly want to commit to someone or is it just not time.

  2. Never tell under any circumstances.

  3. @Meghan….you can see the two “opposing views” right here in the comments section.

    @Stugod and Mat…..Thanks for your input and honesty.

  4. Thank you so much, I really appreciate all the responses. I can’t remember exactly when I asked this question but I feel that it’s been at least a month and there’s two things I’d like to mention.

    1. I haven’t told him and don’t think I will because ever since the time I described, cheating is something I 100% will not do again. I have fallen so much in love with him that the idea of repeating that mistake disgusts me. We’re so happy together that I feel admitting the truth is unnecessary at this point. Plus, I’ve strongly hinted at it a couple of times and I think deep inside he knows what I did. He’d hesitate but he never asked questions. The presence of guilt has also faded significantly. Maybe I just needed to find a great guy like him to appreciate the value of loyalty.

    2. I was very recently diagnosed with depression and apparently I’ve been fighting it for years. Although I’m not completely blaming my patterns of cheating on it, I think it may have been a factor. No worries, I’m finally getting the help I need.

    P.S. I haven’t read that book but I kind of want to now…

  5. @Meghan…..This makes sense to us. You seem like you’ve thought about this a lot. As far as your recent diagnosis…..From what we know, depression can affect all aspects of your life, and certainly impact behaviors. It’s good that you’re getting help you need.
    We wish you all the best with your relationship, and life in general.
    Enjoy, and keep us posted. We always love hearing how things are going from people we’ve interacted with. (And we do hear, so don’t be shy!) Take care.

  6. ilovenerds // December 15, 2011 at 3:46 am //

    I am in a very similar situation. As you said Meghan, you’re personal problems/issues aren’t the solely responsible for your actions. I feel the same way with my situation. Obviously they do impact and influence decision making…It’s just so unfortunate things like this happen. For me a big reason is I was unable to say no. I could say no a thousand times, then cave 🙁 I want to be a stronger person.. because clearly cheating is a moment of weakness. 🙁 I don’t know if I should tell my boyfriend. We’ve been together for a year and it happened 7 months ago! :s I feel horrible. Some friends said I should tell, some said the other. Can I live with it? I don’t think I could. But I also question this: it’s temporary guilt relief for you, but is it selfish to tell? It will only cause pain and suffering. I have been been back and forth about telling. Sometimes on the fence.

    I cheated in a past relationship (4yrs) and told him. After I told, it was never the same. Every fight we had, he would bring it up and use it against me. Yes I may have deserved it.. but my point is nothing will be the same..

  7. @ilovenerds…….Thanks for your input into this discussion. After we read your comments we think the bigger question is: Do you think there will be a time when you won’t be able to say no?
    Because not being able to say no really is a reflection of some other issue going on.
    Sometimes people cheat in order to extract themselves from a relationship. But in your situation, you cheated even though you really want to stay with your boyfriend. So the that momentary weakness must be caused by something else. The need for validation possibly? The need to have someone different make you feel attractive and exciting?
    Finally we’d ask you, what would your boyfriend want? Would he want to know? (We would) (Some wouldn’t)

  8. ididitoo // April 5, 2012 at 11:05 am //

    hi all,

    ive been with my boyfriend for 13 years. we got engaged 3 years ago, but due to the fact that he decided to study again, we havent got married. (time, money, energy etc etc)

    when we first started going out, he actually had another girlfriend he didnt tell me about. throughout the years there have been issues with porn which he hid from me (i dont mind porn, but didnt like the fact that he was hiding it). he did also, at one point, have an affair for 4 months, with a girl he says he didnt sleep with.

    the last straw was during the time that he was studying 0 about 2 years ago. at this point we were already engaged. i found a bunch of messages he’d sent to random women on facebook, suggesting drinks and whatever may happen thereafter. at this point we had drifted apart. we werent having sex. i felt alienated as he never had time or energy to even speak to me. i thought about leaving him.

    oh yes, and rewind 6 years. – id fallen pregnant by him, and he convinced me to have an abortion. i didnt want to do this. it destroyed me emotionallly, but i reckoned that, since ‘we’ came first, and i loved him and wanted to be with him forever, it was the right thing to do.

    ff again.. shortly after i found the messages, i had to go on a business trip. i bumped into a guy i’d kind of fancied a few years before and we ended up having a kiss and cuddle. one thing led to another and a few months later we ended up having sex. the ‘other guy’ doesnt wear his heart on his sleave but did ask me if we could have a relationship. i have never broken up with my fiance. and while i was seeing the ‘other guy’ things between us got very bad. i felt awful about the affair, but carried on while i couldnt leave him either.

    after getting physically ill and thinking about things i decided to work stuff out with my fiance. i told my fling about it and think he will accept my decision. i do love my fiance and in retrospect think we had just gone through a challenging time most recently. this brought out a lot of pain he’d caused me in the past and im sorry to say but i think i acted out in revenge as well as a need for affection and attention. i believe that both of us could have handled many issues in our relationship better.

    i do struggle though, with the question: do i tell him?

    im planning not to. i just hope i can live with the guilt forever

  9. @Ididittoo…….Your last sentence says it all. Can you live with the guilt of not telling him? Do you want a relationship where you keep things from each other? Because as you know trust plays a huge factor in the success of any relationship. And have YOU really gotten over your fiance’s past indiscretions? It seems the two of you have a lot of work to do. It might help to see a couples counselor or some other professional counselor to help you work through all of your issues. Good luck. We hope this works out for you.

  10. i was with my loving boyfriend for 3 years he was my high school sweetheart, about a month ago i cheated on him with one of his fiends he had a while ago.. well i told him and he freaked out on me calling me every name in the book, which i deserved… the next day he dropped all my stuff off at my house and he sat there and asked me question after question.. i answered them all truthfully. i can tell he deep down still loves me but he doesnt want to love me hes forcing himself not to idk what to do.. help?!

  11. @Kbear20…….He may still love you, but you’re going to have a difficult time regaining his trust. The first step is to come clean, which you’ve done. But even before the healing starts you first have to understand yourself why you cheated? And on top of that with a friend of his? So, why? Is there something missing? Were you angry at him? Bored? Were you looking for revenge for some past transgression? Or did you just let yourself do what your mind was telling you to do?

  12. well just an update, after a lot of crying and talking and more crying, we are strating back at square one, which i am more then happy with doing because i do truely love him and i will never do him wrong again he is my world, thanks for the advice. he can see how truly sorr i am and i can see how hurt he was, but i am willing to make this all better, but i do know it will never be forgoten.

  13. @Kbear20…..Well we’re glad he’s forgiven you and you’re trying again. Good luck. And keep us posted.

  14. @Kbear20………We would do everything you can to try and diffuse the situation. Meaning, let him fume a bit and get his feelings out. Hopefully he’ll calm down and be more reasonable. And in the future it might be best to avoid the picture taking. Good luck.

  15. thank you guys so much you have helped me threw this a lot. i do have another question though, the other night he told me he wants to have a baby with me, i have wanted one for a few months now, but hes never seemed like hes wanted one for a long time, is he just saying this so i can never leave him? or is does he really want it? im not sure what to think about it. (dont get me wrong we were together for 3 years before this whole thing happened and ive always wanted a baby with him, its just kinda like why now?)

  16. @kbear20…….You might be right. He’s probably feeling very insecure about you and the relationship and a baby would certainly show that you’re committed to him. However, we strongly discourage you from making any type of big decision like that until you’ve both had some time to work through the recent events. Having a baby with someone you love is a wonderful experience, but having a baby to fix a relationship is a bad idea. We’re not saying you’re doing that, but there’s an element of this going on. (Maybe coming from him.) Try to get back on solid footing first, and then down the road the two of you can discuss starting a family. Just our two cents. Good luck, we wish you the best. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  17. bloodprince95 // April 24, 2012 at 8:41 pm //

    sadly i’ve cheated on my boyfriend of 8 months (long distance) with one of my guy friends, no sex was involved thank god but i also felt really guilty to the point i started crying when i kissed my guy friend, he then asked for more and i didnt have it in my heart to say no to him at that point. during that time me and my boyfriend were going through a rough phase because he was away for weeks at a time without telling me anything so i felt really abandoned and lonely i think thats why i did it. my guy friend was there when my boyfriend wasnt and i shared many things with him during that time too. i did tell my boyfriend what went on after awhile and i know that hurt him deeply. i know i dont deserve his trust or his affection anymore but he wants to make it work and stay with me which i am so glad because it was really after this whole incident i realized how much i love him and how much i would hate to lose him. he is my one and only and i can’t see my future with anyone else but him. but even though i know that i worry if things will never be as it used to be before this whole incident. and i just cant seem to let go of my guy friend even though i know i have to and should.

  18. @bloodprince95…..Thanks for sharing your experience. Your comment will likely help some of the other people reading this forum. Good luck. We’re happy your boyfriend still wants to make it work, and that you now see how much you love him. We suggest communicating as much as possible before things escalate in the future. As per your guy friend. We don’t know. We’re not sure how your boyfriend is going to feel about you hanging out with the guy you cheated on him with. We’d have a problem with it. But keep talking about all of these things. And feel free to ask us a question anytime. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  19. bloodprince95 // April 26, 2012 at 12:11 am //

    im not hanging out with my guy friend anymore, after that incident we mainly argue because he is in love with me and i know i dont want to be with him,i couldn’t bear losing my boyfriend. i guess my guy friend has a hold on me cuz i am his first love and i dont want to ruin his first experience with it but i know i have to grow some balls to tell him to go away. he’s said countless times before that if i just ditch him he will hate women forever and never fall in love again and etc. on the other hand i want to communicate with my boyfriend but he’s taken the time to not talk to me for a week or two now so he can try to find a way to still be with me, but he has told me he still loves me which i am relieved to hear. i know it will take a long time to regain his trust and much of the love he lost for me but i do truly fear that things will never be the same again even this whole incident is behind us.

  20. @bloodprince95…….First of all your guy friend is being dramatic. Yes, he probably does love you, but he’ll get over it. You’re not doing him any favors by hanging out with him if he’s in love with you. We hope you can work through everything with your boyfriend. Not to be too cliche, but time does heal. Good luck. And feel free to ask another question anytime. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Be looking for our new memoir page. New stories coming soon that you might find interesting.

  21. Im also having a problem like that. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. the first year and almost half we were in a long distance relationship. After 8 months of being together we started to have some problems. things kept on getting better and then get worse again. Anyways 1 month to my one year anniversary i was drunk at a party and me and my guy friend decided to sleepover. my guy friend started cuddling me and we ended up making out. I was dying to tell my friend but my bff told me not to tell him. Anyways after 3 months i cheated on my bf again with the same guy. me and him hooked up 2 more times. Every time i was alone with him he would come to me and i didnt have the guts to say no. (BTW i have a big problem…i cannot say no to someone…i feel bad that i will hurt their feelings). Anyways so my bf was moving to my town to go to university…and during the summer i hung out with a rly good friend of mine. he always had a crush on me…so a day before my bf was moving here i cheated on my bf with him. I’ve been feeling guilty all this time. Every time my bf ask if i have something to tell him I want to tell him but im scared that he would leave. He always told me to tell him if i did something like that right away. He said he would rather know right away than a year later.But i know i will hurt him and he will break up with me. we love each other so much…we are even talking about getting married in few years once we are done undergrad. Anyways after 9 months of not cheating on my boyfriend last night i cheated on him at a party with the first guy i cheated on him a while back. I want to tell him but i dont want to lose him. I love him way too much, but hes always ignoring me and i try so hard to get his attention. And for the past week he moved back to his hometown and he barely talks to me and everything is going downhill. I dont know what to do….SOMEONE HELP ME!.

  22. @Pinky………So why do you think you are cheating? Is it because he doesn’t pay attention to you? Is it because you’re lonely? Is it because you’re not satisfied with your current relationship? Is it because you crave attention? Is it because of low self-esteem? Or is it a combination of all of the above? Because since you’ve done this on many occasions something is going on. And until you get to the bottom of what that is—with possibly a professional counselor—you aren’t going to feel satisfied in your relationships. Should you tell your boyfriend? Well, that’s up to you. But let’s reverse things. How would you feel if he were doing this to you? Would you want to know? We’d say he has a right to know everything. And without honest and open communication your relationship won’t be able to move forward anyway. Good luck.

  23. yeah i think its mostly all of the above. Every time i cheated on him it was during when our relationship was going downhill. If he ever cheated on me I wouldn’t want to know as long as he stopped it…but i guess if he kept on continuing it i would want to know. The problem with our relationship is that we dont communicate that much. If something is bothering him he doesn’t tell me. And no matter how much I beg him to tell me he says I dont know what you’re talking about. After an hour or so he finally opens up to me. I don’t know how to make a guy open up to me.

  24. @Pinky…..The best way to get someone to open up to you is to open up to them. Good luck. We’re pulling for you. Take care. Feel free to ask us another question anytime. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks. Also, you might enjoy reading our guest writers on the “Relationship Memoirs” page.

  25. Thank you so much 🙂

  26. IIPriincess // May 14, 2012 at 2:25 pm //

    ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years now . and ive cheated on him with 3 different guys . should i tell him ? if so how . First i cheated on him with my ex boyfriend that i was with in highschool , then i cheated on him with my first love . and then i cheated on him with a guy i met that lives in my childhood town were i was raised . i feel terrible and i dont know what his reaction will be , he proposed to me . and i had no reply cause i wanna let him know everything i did before so , so later on if we do get married wich he really wants to . he wont feel like he wasted his time. so i wanna tell him way before . . . i just dont know how . cause his treated me the best im as happy as i can be with him but i guess i took advantage of it . and till now since he proposed to me i feel bad and guilty . i really love him

  27. @LLPriincess……….We don’t quite understand. You say you love him but you cheated on him three times. Doesn’t that tell you something? That maybe there’s something missing from the relationship? Or that maybe you need to work on some things before you decide to get married? Because what’s to stop you from cheating again? And what happens if you’re married? What then? Or when you have kids? We think you need to take a deep breath, slow down, and really think about what you want? Is it this guy? What is it? Please don’t get married just to get married. If you think he’ll be upset now, believe us, he’ll be way more upset when you have a family together. Our answer: Once you give this some thought— maybe even see a counselor to talk about things— and you decide you want to be with this man, then yes, we think he deserves to know. But be prepared, that once you tell him that could be the end. There are no guarantees on how he’ll react. Good luck.

  28. IIPriincess // May 15, 2012 at 11:01 am //

    the problem is that he has to go away for college every year . So were far apart for quiet a while i only see him in the summers . And everyday he tells me he really wants to marry me and have kids but i feel guilty because i know if he ever cheated on me i would never take him back so i guess i wouldnt be surprised if did leave me . His coming this summer , but he said his here to stay . his going to leave his family to come live with me over here and start our own lifes . But i wanna open up to him and tell him what i did before he decides to leave his own life to start one with me . i just dont know how to really tell him ? any advice on how .

  29. @LLPriincess…………You know there really is no good way to do this. But if you are going to do it, don’t do it AFTER you have sex with him. You need to tell him right away. Is there a way you could go visit him and tell him? You certainly don’t want him to make all sorts of plans, then come live with you, only to find out what you’re about to tell him. He should have all the information ahead of time so he can make his own decision. The best thing is to be honest with him. Tell him you care about him. Tell him you’re really sorry. Reassure him. Ask for forgiveness. Etc. That’s all you can really do. After that it’s in his hands. We hope it works out for you. Take care. And please let your friends know about us. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might be interested in reading some of the guest writers, especially “Rebecca, a Memoir.” Thanks.

  30. IIPriincess // May 15, 2012 at 2:50 pm //

    Thanks !

  31. claycamoturtle // May 21, 2012 at 3:48 pm //

    Ok, I’ve read these and debating on asking my question so here goes….. I just have so much guilt over what happened and I haven’t told anyone. I feel like it was cheating but others would say not really so I’m looking to find out, did I cheat? Do I tell? After these few years, I still feel so guilty. One night a few years ago I was coaxed into giving a guy friend head. I admit that I was attracted to him in a way, like I thought he was cute, but I never really wanted to do that. He is my close friend’s husband and once they got married, he pretty much stopped being a guy to me. I thought that was cool, but back then we all used to drink together and this is how it happened. I was very very drunk and in and out of my right mind. I remember going outside to smoke and then him in front of me and I did push him away but I don’t remember getting up. I blacked out again and came to again and we were in the same position. I want to tell my husband because I feel like it was my fault for getting that drunk and if I really wanted to say no, I would have and I feel he will tell me it is something I wanted because I used to like to hang out with the guy friend when I was drunk. In my defense, I only liked hanging out with him because he would always play games with me. (video games) But anyway, after that happened, there were times we were alone and he would try to push himself on me and twice I touched “it” while sober. I felt bad about it but part of me got excited. I never had actual sex with him but I think the fact that part of me got excited makes me feel guilty as can be. Before this incident I used to talk to guys in chat rooms and build relationships with them or develope crushes on guys I knew personally but since before the incident with the cheating, I stopped talking to these nameless strangers and I stopped developing these crushes. I have no want for anything like that. I know the chatting and crushes was due to a deep need to be wanted. I had a very rough childhood that scarred me in way of male relationships. I feel I am past that now because I have no urges in that way at all. In dreams I even turn away men I’ve most lusted after during my crush phase. But I still feel so guilty about what happened. I want to tell my husband everything. We have been together over 10 years and I feel horrible for hiding this from him but I don’t want to hurt him over something like this. I don’t want to throw away what is otherwise an almost perfect relationship now because of those things in the past. I don’t even think about guys like that anymore. How can I get past the guilt? I feel so guilty now that I have trouble sleeping. It’s always been there but it’s worse now because I keep thinking I’ll get in some kind of position where I’ll end up in a hospital and have to be drugged and I’ll end up telling him everything. How do I get past this point?? Telling him would only hurt him and for what? So I don’t feel guilty about what happened? I feel I should suffer this guilt for what I did. I guess I’m looking for support? I dunno, any advise would be greatly appreciated. Everything you guys say seems so well thought out before being posted. Thanks!!

  32. @Claycamoturtle………To tell or to not tell is a judgement call for each person. You say you are having a hard time living with the guilt. Well, that’s a possible indicator that you need to do something about this situation. Talking about it here is a first step. So let’s start with your first question. Did you cheat? Well, ask yourself, “If my husband did what I did would I consider it cheating?” If he performed oral sex on some woman, whether drunk or not, what would you think? Would you excuse his actions because he was drunk? So yes, from a guy’s perspective, you most definitely cheated on your husband. No one can actually be coaxed into cheating—a person could be forced but then that would not be cheating it would be rape. So, a part of you like you said, must have been interested enough to put yourself in a position where something like that could happen. It’s like when co-workers who are attracted to each other, decide to have drinks together. Then after a few drinks, they end up screwing around and thus cheating on their prospective spouses. When was the line crossed? We would say the line was crossed when they both agreed to get drinks. Because at that moment they could have walked away. They both knew what was going to happen but they proceeded anyway. Sure, it’s easier said than done. But, people have more control than they’d think. You also mention other flirting/crushes, etc. To some people those would also be cheating. (But not to all.) Some people feel emotional cheating is almost worse. But typically men care more about physical cheating. So now that your fears are confirmed what should you do? Honestly, only you can answer that. If your husband never found and you stayed happily married out would you be okay with that? In some ways, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. But for someone with a conscience, it’s like living a lie. And now this lie is eating at you. So what do you think? If you tell him you need to be prepared for the worst. (He might leave you.) If you don’t, you have to be prepared for more guilt. (Read, “Crime and Punishment” by Dostoevsky) And what about your friend? And her husband? What happens when they find out? (Although her husband sounds like a scoundrel) So you have a lot to think about. We wouldn’t rush into this. Give it some more thought. Read some of the other people’s comments. And feel free to ask us some more questions. We’re pulling for you because we hate to see couples break up. Good luck and take care.

  33. claycamoturtle // May 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm //

    I will most definately wait on telling. It was a horrible drunken mistake, one that could destroy lives. I don’t want to tell just to make myself feel better. That’s not fair to anyone involved. My husband and I have a very strong relationship and I love him very much. We have been through a lot together and I don’t want to throw it all away because I got too drunk one night and I’m having trouble living with myself. Since the whole incident, I have changed. The guy.. he has become a whole different more horrible person but she loves him. I don’t want to take that away from her just because I feel guilty. I need to find a way to cope with the guilt and live with it. As far as I know, the guy hasn’t cheated on her other than that one time with me, he just has his own list of problems and growing up. But with me, I just need to get over the guilt. Since then I do not drink like that, if/when I do drink, I quit as soon as my husband does weather I’m ready to or not. I have done everything in my power to keep from being alone with the guy because I fear he will make another move and if so, when I deny letting him so much as touch me in any way, he may get mad and tell anyway. I hope the steps I take now are a good way to avoid this in the future. I don’t want to cheat again, I never wanted to in the first place but my drunk self did, and I am doing everything I can to avoid this happening again. Do you think that’s enough to make up for not telling? I feel i’m avoiding the whole deciding to have drinks together part even tho there is no attraction. (referring to the coworkers drinking and messing around part) Is that enough to feel less guilty about the incident? Does the fact that my husband is my one and only actual sexual partner make a difference as to why I did this? One time many years ago I talked to him about curiosities I had about other guys because I was not experienced like he was and sometimes I feel like that’s why I let it happen. I feel like I’m trying to justify my horrible act when I think that tho… But I will read the book and see if it can give me any insights. I will also save this page because for years I’ve had nothing and this is the closest to help I’ve had for getting through this. Maybe talking to about it will help keep me from destroying lives. Thank you guys for making this page.

  34. @Claycamoturtle…….Honestly, the why is less important as how you decide to behave from here on out. We can’t tell you what the right thing for you to do is. This is a personal decision. And involves only you and your husband. What we can say is stay away from that other man. And keep your drinking to a minimum, or only in the presence of your husband, and then focus on being a loving and respectful spouse. We agree that you shouldn’t be held hostage by a stupid decision that you committed a long time ago, but it’s up to you whether or not you are able to break free of its hold. Thoughts?

    Would anyone else like to add to this?

  35. highschoolcass // May 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm //

    So I’m only a freshman inhigh school and I have a new boyfriend who I have been crushing on since the start of the school year in September. He asked me out a week ago and i was the happiest girl in the world because he is perfect. And then came prom… My best friend asked me before my boyfriend and i started talking and i made sure my boyfriend knew about prom and he wasn’t to happy a lot it but he got.over it. Well prom night came of Friday and it was a lot of fun and i made sure I was good. My prom date (best friend) had a party.at hjs house and there was all juniors and seniors there. They liked me and it was all good but.my brothers

  36. highschoolcass // May 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm //

    Friend.was there.and we ended up making out and the guilt makes.me.feel like I have a rock in my stomach 🙁 we.have only been going out for a week do I tell my boyfriend? Should I brake up with him? I really need your help

    P.s. my boyfriend is the jealous type and doesn’t even like my best friend and he gets so mad so easy when ever i ever sat hey to one of my.guy friends

  37. @Highschoolclass……..So the question begs to be asked: If you are so into your boyfriend why did you make out with the other guy? Maybe there’s a reason this happened. Is it possible you’re into the other guy more? Or maybe at this point in your life you just enjoy the attention of guys. There’s nothing wrong with that. But just be honest with yourself. So what do you think? ps. You might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially “Rebecca, a Memoir” Start from the introduction and read on. Also, please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  38. Midwestgal // May 22, 2012 at 5:24 am //

    I’ve been married for 2 yrs. we met in college & I was still talking to my x bf who lived far way. I considered myself single, not dating him (or anyone) seriously. I went to see my x a few times while we were dating. He found out & got upset but I explained that since he had not officially asked me to be his gf & I didn’t think we were exclusive. We came to the conclusion that there was a lack of communication & after a month of keeping it friendly we began going steady. I had cut ties w/x too.  After college we moved & I got a job while he went to grad school. We live together but he was so absorbed in grad school that I felt neglected & sad away from college friends & family. I also though he was having an emotional affair w/ one of his class mates. We argued & I questioned leaving him. It was a rough time in our relationship. I went on a training trip for work & got drunk & slept w/a guy from the training. I didn’t tell the guy I was in a relationship until after. I think I felt like maybe this was the last opportunity I would have to feel somewhat single & my decision making was paralyzed by beer. Very shortly after the incident my bf proposed to me and I gladly said yes, I do love him after all. I felt guilty but I forgave myself & said I wouldn’t do it again. He move out of town to start his job after graduating & I moved w/him to our new place a few months after. I was freaking out about the moving since I had just started making friends & b/c of the incident. Shortly after we got married he began traveling for 3-4 weeks at a time. There was a few time when he was only home for 1-2 wks in between. He even missed my bday! I again began feeling neglected & lonely. I began spending time w/a coworker who works in a different branch. We got really drink and slept together 2x while he was gone. It made me feel validated & loved & I was not as lonely. I was a very unhappy newlywed. I realized that I couldn’t live this way so I made him choose between me or his job. We went to couple therapy once to let him know I serious. I was kind of thinking that this would be a way for both of us to get out of the marriage. I actually felt like he didnt care about it very much. I felt like work was his #1 priority, not me. To my surprise he talked to his boss & he has not traveled for work nearly as much since then. He traveled again recently for a week and I hung out w/co-worker & we got drunk & I slept w/him. I though that I it was not going to happen again, but it did. In the moment I felt so good and validated and sexy. Now Im questioning why I did (again)? I don’t want to tell him b/c I don’t want to hurt him but does he need to know? Am I just not ready for commitment? Does  it stem from not having a dad or just not being able to resist? Should I divorcee him and not tell him. I don’t think I could speak either way. Man I have issues. Help! 

  39. @Midwestgal…….Yes, there is something going on obviously. And the issue stems with you more than your husband. It’s good that you’re aware of it. Your situation is different than a one time cheating incident that happens while drunk. It’s your repeated pattern that is a cause for concern. So the question is why? Why do you feel the need to be validated and feel sexy by other men other than your husband? Or honestly, why at all? Is this a general lack of respect for yourself, or some sort of self-esteem issue? Or, taking a different angle, maybe you are truly unhappy in your marriage and you’re not with the right person? Or maybe you got married too soon and weren’t ready for the commitment required? Whatever it is, you need to figure this out. We would suggest counseling, for you as an individual, and for you as a couple. (They should be separate.) We think you’re on the right track to start questioning what’s going on. But this is just the beginning. Keep looking for answers, but make sure you ask all the questions. Hope this helps a little. Please seek out some professionals you feel comfortable with. Good luck. We’re thinking positive thoughts for you.

  40. Midwestgal // May 22, 2012 at 2:46 pm //

    I think you’re right about going to talk to professionals. I have been to a marriage councilor w/hubby once (as mentioned before) & Ive talked to a shrink too but not about this. Its going to be hard to even hear the words come out of my mouth. Just thinking about it
    freaks me out! I don’t feel comfortable w/my shrink b/c she just want to push pills on me, maybe I could talk w/marriage councilor? A part of me just wants to ignore it but Im already seeking help here & I need to have courage to move forward, I guess. Im thinking that maybe we rushed into marriage to soon. We do love each other but maybe enough? I don’t think I have self esteem issues but maybe I do & Im just know realizing it. Maybe its something else too. Thanks for encouraging me to speak to a professional. My eyes are tearing up just thinking about it but I going to call right now and make an appointment! xox

  41. @Midwestgal…….We’re glad we could help. There are a lot of therapists out there. If you don’t feel comfortable with your current one, then try someone else. It’s no different than any other relationship. It has to work for you. Take care and keep us posted as this progresses. All the best.

  42. I have cheated on every boyfriend I’ve been with. I’ve come to realize that it’s because I expect too much. When I don’t feel like I am getting what I deserve, I seek elsewhere. Currently, I am with a guy who emailed his ex while he was with me saying he wanted her back and wanted to marry her. I found it and we broke up. I felt betrayed. Later, we got back together but it wasn’t the same. We hadn’t had sex in 3 months. So I slept with someone else a few times.
    Last night I found out I am pregnant. And it is definitely the other guy’s child. I told my boyfriend. He, obviously, was extremely mad. I explained that I have been feeling like less than a friend to him lately and so distant. He took it as me saying it was his fault that I cheated. Which I kind of believe. I just feel like he didn’t really want to be with me, so I found “love” elsewhere. He won’t say “I love you”.
    So I don’t know what to do. I’m pretty sure I won’t keep the baby. I can’t support it and go through that right now. And as for my boyfriend…I don’t know if I should wait for him to talk to me or if I should just say it’s over because I know it’ll take a long time to trust each other again, I know I don’t trust him yet.
    Never wanted my life to be this way.

  43. @Ashley……….We would encourage you to seek some professional counseling. It might help you talk through some of these feelings you’re having around boyfriends and relationships. It is not this guy’s fault that you cheated. That was your choice, not his. You could have easily broken up with him because he wasn’t fulfilling your needs and then slept with this other guy after the two of you were finished. But instead you chose the safe route by getting both your emotional and physical needs met by two different guys. Listen Ashley, a lot of people struggle with this. You’re not alone here. Just read the comments section in this post and you’ll get a sense that this is an easy trap to fall into. But you need to be strong and try to figure this out. You may not be able to do it alone and that’s why we suggest seeking out some help. As per your situation, we can’t tell you what the best decision is. It’s good that you were honest with your boyfriend. That’s a start. Yes, he was mad, but what did he say after that? How did you leave it with him? And what about this other guy? Does he want you to keep the baby? Is he interested in you beyond having sex?

  44. Sargman // May 30, 2012 at 5:33 pm //

    There is NO JUSTIFICATION for Betrayal or for Cheating on someone you “love” if you keep on doing that then you are Bitch that Cannot Live Without Sex and You are NOT worth an honest Guy love PERIOD, in other words if you just have sex just to calm your vagina hunger then you should be a Prostitute to have sex with any guy you want and you get paid for it, at the end you will go to Hell for Fornication so you need Jesus Christ our Lord to save you.

  45. @Sargman……We guess you feel strongly about this.

  46. Jillian // June 5, 2012 at 7:22 am //

    I made a horrible mistake, and got extremely drunk and cheated on my long distance boyfriend of a year. I know that being drunk isn’t an excuse, and I’m not trying to rationalize, but I was beyond the point of being about to control my actions. In fact, I barely even remember. We didn’t have sex but it was still pretty intense. I don’t know whether or not to tell my boyfriend. I’m 100% in love with him, and I don’t want our relationship to end. I think he would probably break up with me if I told him. I am literally nauseated with guilt and remorse. And to be honest, the guy that I hooked up with was really pushy, it’s not like I was out looking for it. He sat on the couch and tried to convince me for about 3 hours while he refilled my wine glass. Right before we started making out I was crying about how much I missed my boyfriend. Again, not to rationalize, but I was obviously pretty vulnerable.

    I know the first question is, well what are the underlying issues that would cause you to cheat? It’s the distance that makes me question whether or not our relationship can work. Admittedly, my conviction has been wavering a little lately. It’s counterintuitive but cheating has completely reaffirmed for me that I want to be with him and make it work.

    I know there are differing opinions on whether or not to tell, and every relationship is different. Objectively, I’m of the opinion that confessing is simply a way to ease your own guilt, and just hurts the other person. But, he’s planning to move to my city, basically for me, and I just don’t know that I can let him do that without telling him.

    There’s another dimension to this problem though, the guy was my roommates ex-boyfriend, she walked in on us. She’s threatening to tell my boyfriend if I don’t.

    I really don’t know what to do.

  47. @Jillian……Up until your last sentence we were thinking one thing, but when you add in your roommate’s threats, we need to think about this for a moment. Why would she do that? The only thing we can think of is she’s still into her ex, and/or is feeling territorial, like a guy might. Either way you might need to rethink your roommate situation. She doesn’t seem like the greatest friend. But let’s focus on the more immediate question for now. Yes, you did a shitty thing. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. It happens, too often. We all make mistakes. The key is, what do we learn from them, and do we grow and evolve as human beings because of them? Clearly you have. Cheating is usually a symptom of a larger issue. It could be insecurity. It could be the need for assurance. (The two are related) It could be a way of revenge. It could be a way to set in motion what a person is unable to do without creating chaos. For you it seems, your recent uncertainty about your relationship was the impetus for your infamous night. The cheating had nothing to do with the pushy guy and the drink. It started with you, otherwise you wouldn’t have put yourself in that situation. If you were feeling good and solid about yourself and your relationship you never would have sat on that couch, drinking wine, and listening to that crap he was spouting. You would have removed yourself from the situation, or never put yourself in it in the first place. We’re not judging, just stating the facts. The cheating happens WAY before the actual cheating happens, if that makes any sense? So enough of that. We’re only talking about it since you asked. We know you already feel bad enough about what you did. So, now what should you do? Well, certainly if your roommate is going to tell your boyfriend, then it’s obvious that you have to tell him before she does. We don’t know him, but many guys would just say forget it. Long distance relationships are hard enough, but without trust there’s not much to lay a foundation with. And if he’s feeling at all nervous or uncertain, it will be the perfect reason to break things off. If you’re going to tell him then you need to take a trip out there and tell him in person. (Better you go there than he come here. This is on you. Just make sure you have a backup plan in case things go awry. Meaning, a place to stay) We’re not saying this is going to end, we’re just saying, even if he’s able to forgive, this may take some time to work itself out. Under the circumstances, it seems you may have no choice in the matter. And judging from your note, the guilt may be too much for you to bare in the end. Good luck. We hope this works out for you. We really do. Please keep us posted as this progresses and feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question.Please feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks! (Please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. Use PayPal button on any page of site.)

  48. Jillian // June 5, 2012 at 7:32 pm //

    Thank you so much for your perspective.

    Can I add some follow up background about this guy and about the situation? That was the first time I’d ever spent any amount of time with him. My roommate, he, and I spent the entire day together and were having a fantastic time. He was completely focused on my roommate, not abnormally attentive to me, they were cuddling and flirting and whatever. I was/am not sexually or romantically attracted to him. Seriously. The three of us were drinking together, so by the time my roommate went to bed, I was feeling very (platonically) comfortable with him. Which is why I was even talking to him about my relationship in the first place. Clearly, trusting him was quite possibly the worst mistake of my life. I was truly shocked when, tears still on my cheeks, he started aggressively and explicitly hitting on me and I was blacking out and didn’t or couldn’t remove myself from the situation. I put myself in an extremely vulnerable situation and that’s 100% on me. But truly the more I think about it, I honestly feel coerced and taken advantage of (not to mention, physically ill with revulsion. I haven’t eaten or slept in two days). Also, not to mention, legally unable to consent. I think at one point I was actually passed out. I’m not trying to deflect/project blame. Alcohol, I’m sure, played a part in his actions as well. And I’m complicit simply by not removing myself from the situation. Let me take a moment and mention that drinking to the point of not being able to control one’s thoughts, actions, and motor skills is dangerous, immature, and unacceptable. Frankly, I’m frightened and done drinking for a long time. Possibly forever.

    Regardless, I’m thinking of all hypothetical situations here. If my roommate doesn’t tell my boyfriend (and probably out of the heat of the moment, she won’t. Although she also won’t speak or look at me. So I don’t actually know) then I still don’t know if I should. He’s coming to visit me in two days. I don’t know whether to tell him before, during, after, or not at all. I want it to be in person, it’s too easy to break up via electronic device. I don’t know that I’ll be able to look at him and not break down. But I also can’t stomach what I know will be the look on his face. I’m fairly positive that it will mean the end of our relationship and I just can’t handle that. But if not, I’m also completely willing to put in the time and work to re-earn his trust, because I truly don’t feel that I deserve it.

  49. @Jillian…….Well, this sheds a little more light on the situation. If he physically forced you without your consent that sounds like it’s inching into the sexual abuse camp. But you’re not sure, right? Hmm….we’re glad you’re done drinking. It sounds like this has been a wake up call in that realm. So you say you didn’t actually have intercourse, but if you were close to blacking out, how can you be sure exactly what happened? The reason we mention this is because your boyfriend’s going to want to know every detail. (Even though a part of him isn’t going to want to know anything.) If you tell him, he’s going to ask. If not at that moment, eventually. What we’re saying is, the drink, the coercion, the fact that you possibly stopped before intercourse all factor in to how he’s going to react. He may flip out, break up with you, and leave. But, we’ve seen this before. If he truly loves you, it is possible he could forgive you, and the relationship could grow stronger from this. (With a ton of work on your part. It’s hard to earn trust back as you know.) So what do you think? What’s your plan?

  50. Jillian // June 5, 2012 at 9:22 pm //

    It wasn’t that he physically forced me. I don’t think. It’s just that he pressured me until I blacked out and wasn’t able to say no. Whether that means I couldn’t say no to him, myself, or both is what I don’t know. But I know we didn’t have sex because my roommate woke up and walked in on us and stopped it. That part I do remember. But I think she literally woke me from a stupor. All my female friends say to absolutely not tell him. I talked with my brother and he has convinced me otherwise. I need to do it before he gets here, hopefully before he buys his tickets. And hope that he will still come so we can talk in person. If he breaks up with me, then I can’t say I don’t deserve it. And if he doesn’t, then he’s a better man than I can possibly comprehend.

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