I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!


Some recent questions:

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

I suggested Friends with Benefits; Did I just dig myself into a hole

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

Hey Guys,

I’ve been a habitual cheater since my first relationship two years ago. At the end of my last relationship—long distance— I went to parties and started hooking up with random guys. I felt terrible about it and admitted it to my boyfriend and it crushed him. I lost his trust and although he wanted to forgive me and keep going, I felt that our relationship would never be the same. So I ended it.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about him and what I did to him. The guilt never seems to fade.

The thing is, now I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a new guy for about 3 months now and I’ve also cheated on him. We jumped into the relationship about two weeks after we met at a party and I felt confident that I wouldn’t cheat on him because I felt so strongly about him. Yet I did. But that was about a month and half ago and I never told him about it and haven’t done it again because when I was in the moment of cheating I had an epiphany that I love my boyfriend and I don’t want anyone else. We’re so compatible and he tells me he loves me and that I’m the one. He is also the one for me. But when I talk to him, sometimes the guilt creeps up again and I have a conflicted urge to just tell him.

He says nothing I say or do could make him fall out of love with me, but this would break his heart and I’d lose his trust being so far away.

I’m afraid this feeling will always be lingering in the back of my mind. I plan on staying with him for a very long time. Should I tell him or keep it a secret?

Thank you in advance.


Dear Meghan,

Thanks for your question.

Have you ever read the book, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky? Somehow your conundrum, and your feelings of guilt, remind us of the internal struggle of Raskolnikov, the main character in the book. No, you haven’t actually committed a crime, but clearly you have feelings of remorse for cheating that you’re trying to come to terms with.

Here is the true dilemma: If you stay with your new boyfriend and actually remain faithful from here on out, can you live with the knowledge that you were once unfaithful to him, even if he never finds out?

In a perfect world there would be no secrets between lovers, partners, and spouses. We’d all be open minded and accepting of each other’s imperfections and mistakes. We’d love each other just as we love our kids: unconditionally.

But alas, there is no perfect world, and our love typically bears the weight of many conditions—loyalty is one of them. You’re right when you suspect your boyfriend would no longer trust you if you told him of your indiscretions. Once trust is lost in a relationship it’s very difficult to get back. And it takes strength and courage from the person who was cheated on to forgive and try to move on. (Of course, remember that your last boyfriend seemed willing to give you a second chance after you told him you cheated on him.)

What we’re wondering is why? Why Meghan are you feeling the need to cheat? This question seems even more important than whether or not to tell your boyfriend you cheated. What is going on internally for you that you’re seeking attention and validation from other men? We’re not therapists. We’re not doctors. But we do think that question might be worth exploring with a professional. Because once you get to the root of the problem you might get clarity on your basic question: Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated?

Unfortunately Meghan there isn’t one right answer here. Everyone is different. Some guys would say they would want to know if they were cheated on by their girlfriend. Other guys would say that as long as their girlfriend is no longer cheating they would rather not know.

Our advice: Take a harder look at why you’re behaving the way you’re behaving. We just get this sense from you that you’re uncertain about whether or not you can stop this behavior. And maybe your uncertainty is what’s causing you to feel so guilty about this. Maybe if you trusted yourself and knew that it would never happen again you could move forward in this relationship and chalk up your cheating up to a really bad mistake that you’ll never repeat.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section, and we’ll reply to you here as well.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you no matter what you decide to do.


ps. We’d love to hear from some of our readers as well. What are your opinions? Meghan would probably appreciate more viewpoints on this.

50 Comments on I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth

  1. Okay so I told him what happened not to the full extent though, just that my ex had pushed himself onto me. He was fine with it but asked me to stay away from him and not talk to him which I can deal with. However I still have kind of a guilty feeling and I still feel scared that he may find out the whole truth, how can I deal with this? Will it get better in time?

  2. @Sarah…..Well, it’s good that you told him. And he took it well, so that’s also positive. So what exactly happened? You kind of alluded to it. Maybe it’s something that you could tell your boyfriend? Or maybe it wasn’t so bad that you don’t have to tell him? And even if he finds out you could still spin it so it didn’t sound horrible? You didn’t actually lie, you just omitted some details. We’re not trying to help you get away with a crime, but we’re trying to see if you can move on from this without it eating away at you, and damaging the foundation of your relationship. It’s important to learn from your mistakes, but maybe the consequences don’t have to be so dire. So can you tell us? It might help us understand what you’re faced with.

  3. Basically he started kissing my neck and touching me. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t tell my boyfriend how long i allowed it to happen for which was maybe like a minute or less. I told him I pulled away straight away. I don’t want to lie to him I feel horrible, but I definitely have learnt and I know I would never ever do it again.

  4. @Sarah…..Then move on. And treat it as a good reminder of how you don’t want to be. Not everyone would learn from their mistake, but you seem like the kind of person that already has. And you’re already beating yourself up enough. That seems like enough punishment don’t you think? And on the “cheating spectrum”—if there even is such a thing, since some people would say cheating is cheating—your behavior was pretty tame compared to much of what we hear. So stop fretting. You told him enough. (Believe us, he’s no dummy. He knows that you didn’t tell him every detail. But you covered yourself.) And try to move forward. And last thing. Not to get preachy on you, but you really do have to forgive yourself Sarah. Truly. We all do stupid things, that doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. And the good news, you’ve probably skipped about three levels in your evolution with this incident. Take care and let us know if we can help with anything else. And please spread the word about our site. Thanks.

  5. i was alwas the one man girl and i got him when i was in highscool. since then all my doors to other guys have been closed.
    Our first year was perfect.. . each day i fell more and more for him. each day i get up thinking about him. was soo… much in love… then towards the mid of the second yr of the relationship one fine day he suddenly said he wants to break up with me. i was shocked out my senses. i went crazy crying ..and then my crying only created more fury in him and it was followed by more abusing and rude behaviour from his side. in a weeks time i looked like i was dead…well i was going to leave for college an i had to except the fact that my man had left me. i had lost almost all hopes .

    Then the day i am about to leave he calls up and says he wants me back… and that he loved me.
    k i was all happy again. i went to college…ours was still a long distance relationship. then one day agin he has this thing tht he wants to leave me….and again and again ..it continued. the next two years it was pretty rocky. . each night i cried my self to sleep…..we did not meet for 2 years.

    then one day he starts talking about his physical needs and how important it is. he is 5 years elder to me . he said he wanted to do it with me. it waas my rule in life i would not do it before marriage. this continued to a fight that almost seemed everlasting.. . then he says again tht he doesent wanna see me again..n all tht rude stuff… and finally i agreed to do it.

    he came to where i stayed and we took a hotel room and he started off. I practically had no feelings..just stood there letting all tht happen. i was dead of crying and cribbing anyway..i just lay next to him but he did not notice the tears in my eyes… then he went away the next day and did not call for the next 25 days. i figured out he has got what he wanted and he is gone…then on the 26th day i get a message from him saying that he feels guilty and does not have the gutts to talk to me … he said sorry for hurting me so much. k so we sorted that out tht too.
    still things werent that smooth. . . frequent fights and all… but still i could not come to leaving him.

    and then one day he calls me bursts into tears {very unlikely of him} and tells me he had a gf before and tht he loved her still and missed her…this was the last thing i wanted to hear after 5 years of a relationship. i felt like an extra tyre you carry around in case one gets damaged.
    i understood i had no significcance in his life. i was devastated…i screamed and cried my heart out…
    next day i go to college looking like i had lost everything in life.
    still the relationship continue…. in the meantime he does talk about how much he has suffered in life and how scared he is to trust anyone….
    he says he didnt tell me all this time cuz he was scared o losing me.

    well whtevr…i was continuing with him but now i did not feel the same way i felt about him earlier…i was very unsure… after the hotel thing we had not met for 2 years.
    i have this feelinjg from inside that i wanna move on… and all my friends said tht its time u replace him with someone who deserves you.
    So one fine day i get a message saying i love you and blah blah.. all nice stuff from some guy…. i reply and then i have a conversation with this new guy..
    finally we decide to meet. i wanted my new life to start with a good thing so i told him to meet me at church.
    he met me…and he liked me…and i liked him too.
    i thought finally i got the man with whom i can move on..
    so we meet a couple of times in restaurants and all…
    i feel happy with him…and decide to say yess to him.
    i say yess to him and request him a time of 1 month to end stuff with my ex-bf.
    i wasnt sure if i wanted to marry this guy cuz i didnt wanna think of anything in future after all my bad experiencwe.
    we shared a good time , however when we used to hug i never felt the intimacy i used to feel with my ex.
    well anyway then this guy requests me to get physical.. the way he spoke , the way he cared about me made me feel he loved me and i thought i would also finally fall in love with him eventually.. . not really from within but i agreed to do it.
    so we used to meet up and do it frequently….and then he would cook for me and it was truly like i had dreamt of a relationship…i was happy…but didnt love him{i expected it will happen soon}

    k so this continues till 3 months and i had not stopped talkin gto my ex. i just couldnt. by the end of three months i find out this new guy was a jerk and he sleeping with 2 girls at the same time.
    there was nothing left of me to be broken. finally i tell my ex about it {except the physical part} and he forgives me. then he comes to my place for an year and we live together and all problems got erased…now we r perfectly happy together. he doesent treat me like **** anymore and i love him too…but it kills me tht he doesent know. pls help. wht do i do…..
    Now he is so passionate about me that it is hard to believe that this is the same guy who had hurt me so much once upon a time. He has made up all of that to me by his unconditional love for me now. i dont wanna spoil it. i cant bear to lose him once more. what should i do. . . ?? he is not the kind of guy who can accept something like this. he feels i belong to him. I cant come to telling him and breaking him from within. The worst part is he is not in good terms with his family and he finds me as his support and reason ti live.
    this guilt is killing me on one side and telling him all this and hurting him is scaring me.
    PLsssssss help..!!!!!!!

  6. @Rose….One quick question before we answer you: Were you broken up with your ex when you were seeing the new guy? That’s what it seems like to us. Fill us in and then we’ll give you our opinion.

  7. we got together the beginning of it senior year, we were together for a year and during that year I had a best guy friend, well right after our one year anniversary, my bf left out of state and I started spending a lot of time with my friend. Now, me and my bf were MADLY in love! so so much. but he started treating me bad and I tried to leave him but he wouldn’t let go. well, about a week before we broke up I slept with my guy friend just once and after I cried and cried and a week later me and my bf broke up. we were still friends but it hurt like hell, I regretted cheating so much! well I pushed my guy friend out of my life and then my bf (ex at this time) left to the Army and asked me to wait for him, I said yes and w are still in love and he wants to marry me after his basic training. he has no idea I cheated and I haven’t slept with anyone else and I don’t want to, now do I tell him after he gets done with training? I write him everyday! Please help! I feel terrible for what I did, and won’t EVER do it again. thank you.

  8. @Hagenjeane…….What we’ve told many of the women in this forum is: This is as much about you as your boyfriend. Questions: Can you live with your secret? Do you know for a fact that you’ll never cheat again? Do you need to tell your boyfriend? What would happen if you told him? What would happen if he found out in some other way? Is that possible? Considering the circumstances of your relationship, and the fact that you were trying to break up with him, and the fact that at your age things can get confusing pretty quickly, we’d say: Unless you can’t live with yourself, or unless your boyfriend will find out some other way, maybe you should chalk this up to a mistake that will never happen again. And then refocus your efforts on being a loving and loyal girlfriend. What do you think? (We suggest you read a lot of the other questions/answers on this forum. It might help you see that you’re not alone here.) Thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll do us a favor and share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  9. Ill keep it short. Nooot. I made a big mistake. My bf of 1 1/2 years and I got into a terrible fight in the summer, this fight was bc he once again brought up me “cheating” on him.

    (Back story: we live 3 hours away from each other, four months into our relationship I slept with whom I thought was some random man from my alma matter, my bf had been ignoring me for the entire week claiming it was his bday week, so he decided to go wild five days straight. At first i was concerned bc he had drug abuse problems in the past. When i got ahold of him he was a jerk and told me to give him space. So I broke up with him that night a big group of ny girlfriends invited me out. HERE’S THE KEY WE WERE BROKEN UP HE EVEN TOLD ME HE DIDN’T CARE THAT I DUMPED HIM. Im going to be real I cheated before in the prior relationship and since his misconduct was well – epic. I rebuttaled by breaking up with him the same night I met mr. Random

    That was until one fateful night 3 months later after we got bacjk together we are in his home town we walk into a liquor store and guess who comes in and hugs by man hello? YUP

    It turns out Mr. Random and my man are high school friends. So as I turn pale not knowing what to do my bf see’s the look on my face. After we left the store he asked if I may have known mr random since he knoows we attended the same University. It took me 8 excruciatingly painful months to wither out the truth because like the rest of the women on here the guilt was killing me.

    These two men went to the same barbershop as well, and my bf always threatened to ask him. The thing is even if u t was for an instant we were broken up and at that moment I felt the feeling that a lot of you may have felt.

    I felt and know the following things were all up in my mind:

    A. A horrible lack of attention from my bf, stemming from a crap load of teenage based anguish and insecurities. I was a fatty in high school and became pretty good looking in college. The fat girl in me has insecurities that aren’t gone.

    B. I felt good at the fact that I could still get his attention.
    C. I had lots of drinks in me

    D. I had self-deliniated the terms of my current immediate “single”

    E. In that moment I had no regard for the consequences of my actions how much they’d hurt him and myself later on.

    And finally…

    I had ni regard to my bf’s memory to till this day says that no we were in fact together.

    So heres the screw up, we get into this fight last summer, he proceeds to tell me ” your vagina is loose have you been with Mr. RANDOM??”

    SOOOO I freaked ran out crying got a hotel room that night, but I had company over. A very handsome guy I met a few weeks before and took his number telling myself I wouldnt do it. But I did. It really was just sex but I knew deep down I was wrong. I felt like a whore, but I was hurt and tired of my bfs accusations.

    The next day he apologized and told me he was having a hard time being intimate, afterall it had only been a month of me telling.

    I walked into a small family owned super market by my bfs house and guess who I see ? Mr. Random 2, who us my bfs aquiantance, and knows a bunch of his close friends.

    I told random 2 that I had a bf he said he did not care and that he is a dr ama free guy who doesn’t like trouble. I swear im not evil I just have very bad luck. My relationship is pretty close to perfect now and were going to therapy but the guilt is killing me.

    I love him and what I did is unjustified. The other night he told me that if I ever cheated again to never tell him. To leave a note and never come back because he doesn’t know what he’d do.

    It almost sounded like a threat, and my man is a gun enthusiast that is p acking a whole arsenal. What should I do? Tell me honestly guys please? Im tired of my shrink.

  10. I’d like to add that I feel extremelu selfish, and am agonyzing everytime he looks at me in the eyes and tells me how much he loves me and cant wait to get married. We are building a future together and have been there for each other but im so terrified of losing the only man I’ve ever loved. I feel weak like a hypocritical p.o.s. for having done it.

    I care for my bfs welfare in everything from the socks on his feet, to what he eats, finances, etc. I feel like we are one except for this.

    If and when he finds out how do I get up? This by far has been the toughest thing to live with. Ever.

  11. @Veronica……..We’re sorry. We know this is tough. Here’s what concerns us. Every time you have some sort of problem, or you feel dismissed by your boyfriend, or he ignores you, or whatever, you run to the “arms” of another man. This kind of behavior originates from insecurity and lack of self-esteem. Maybe these feelings you have stem from your high school body and high school experiences, but you need to understand that you’re a different person now. And it’s not that you have bad luck, it’s that you’re making poor decisions and you need to stop. Okay, enough of the lecture. What should you do? He already knows you cheated once right? And you’re going to therapy to try and work through your issues, right? It seems to us that you’re doing what you can to try and make things right. What are the chances he finds out about this other guy? If Random Guy #2 were the only guy you cheated on him with we’d probably encourage you to tell him, but since this has been going on in your relationship for a while—the infidelity—then we don’t see a clear answer here. It’s up to you. Of course if he finds out later that you did cheat, it will be worse. Thoughts? In conclusion: We can’t tell you what to do. What is your gut telling you to do? Can you live with the guilt?

  12. Thanks for the article. I have a similar incident with different details.

    I met a guy while on vacation this summer. We clicked really well and decided to continue talking to each other. We are talking until now (5 months later), and although we are not official, we have told each other that we are not seeing other people and we trust each other. We are about an hour flight away from each other and are planning to see each other again soon.

    I just came back from a trip to Vegas and while there I was at a club and danced with and kissed another guy throughout the night. Nothing else happened and I feel guilty about it. I want to tell the guy I’m talking to but I know he will lose his trust in me and since we are already long distance he may choose to end things.

    I have not yet spoken to him since I have been back because I am unsure of what to do. Your help is appreciated!

  13. @Roxy….Well if you’re not technically exclusive we see no reason to tell him. UNLESS…….unless this eats away at you enough that you feel the need to tell him. Or if you feel you want to enter into a committed relationship with full disclosure. However, the question is more: Why aren’t the two of you exclusive? Maybe it’s early, and the circumstances make it difficult to have that discussion, or follow through with that plan, still, until you have that discussion, or know for sure that you’re moving forward with him, but we don’t see that you owe him too much. And frankly, yes he would be upset, but kissing a guy is not quite the same as sleeping with him. Although, if you were in a committed relationship, we’d consider both cheating. So this is back on you. You’ve got to make the call. One more question: Why? Why did you do it? Was it because you could? Was it because it was fun? Or does this mean that maybe you’re not as into this other guy than you thought?

  14. Thanks for your quick reply, it is very helpful. You ask some good questions. We are not officially in a relationship right now because we really don’t know where this is going. Personally, I don’t think it will be sustainable to have a long distance relationship that requires us to fly every time we want to see each other. Also, in the back of my mind I am thinking I may be wasting time in this relationship, which may only go further if one of us ultimately decides to move. I currently cannot do that as I am a medical student and have about 5 more years of training ahead of me. He has already mentioned that he is opposed to moving.

    Thus, from an objective perspective the solution seems simple- maybe we should not continue what we are doing and move on to something more tangible with other people. But I must say that I have never met someone with whom I have such a connection with. He makes me laugh and talking to him makes me happy. That’s what’s keeping this going.

    I don’t know why I kissed another guy exactly. I met someone I was very attracted to physically, had already had a few drinks, was having a lot of fun, and in the back of my mind I was thinking it may never go somewhere with the guy I’m talking to, so why limit myself? It wasn’t until later that the guilt kicked in and and I realized that what I had done was stupid and selfish.

  15. I’m married with a new infant. We’ve been married for almost a year. Before this we had had a rocky courtship and my now husband was not over his ex. it was painful and hard. there were several times that he cheated on me but he was always forthcoming and extremely penitent. what i loved about him was his honesty even though it was painful. i knew he was just broken and i was also having a difficult time sleeping with him because of religious beliefs. In anyway it was extremely frustrating for both of us. It was usually around a fight or time when we were having issues that an indescretion would occur. it was 3-4 times. I forgave him but i had a hard time with it. An ex-flame of mine came into town one night and while i wasn’t going to see him after a pretty explosive fight i decided to because i was crest fallen and angry. he told me it was over and dropped me off at home. i was so tired of being treated this way… long story short after talking about my bf the whole night i end up sleeping with my old flame though it was not intentional. i was vulnerable and upset. the next day he called and apologized and said he would make it up to me. I was so upset that the relationship ended soon after that because i couldn’t face what i had done and i felt it was time to end it. i dated some one else casually for a little while..but missed the old BF long story short right as that was ending old bf contacts me. i miss him, decide he’s who i want to spend my life with, we start hanging out…i get pregnant and engaged within two months…
    with all that has been going on i buried that indescretion . i don’t know why its bothering me now. but it is and i wonder if i should tell him. i chose not to because i thought it would over complicate things and not do anyone any good…
    now i’m wondering if i should maintain that stance or tell him. …

  16. @Clarissa…….Based on everything you’ve told us and the fact that your relationship was rocky, and the fact that he cheated on you three or four times, we see no reason you need to say anything. The past is the past. We don’t see it would do any good, and frankly, he was certainly no angel. What worries us more is this relationship moving forward. We’re wondering about your foundation. Do you think it’s strong enough to withstand the pressures and stress of a marriage with kid/s? We’d highly recommend couples counseling if you’re feeling that things are at all unstable. What do you think? Does this help?

  17. well..in the end i couldn’t stand thinking of myself as a liar, it was worse than the cheating part, so i had to get it out. It was hard on him even with our history. it felt horrible. but we are both in different places in our lives then and we’re going to work it out. he thinks we can get through it and so do i. thanks for your help!

  18. @Clarissa……Glad to hear you’re going to try and work this out. Take care and good luck!

  19. U seem to offer some pretty good advice. I was reading the article and the comments. Maybe u can help me with my little dilemma. Is honesty really the best policy with everything? I mean I understand that u can’t lie about everything but there are times a little white lie is better than telling the truth if telling the truth will destroy ur relationship. Most guys live by the don’t ask DONT tell theory. Well thats not really the case with my fiancee. He wants honesty with everything. Which brings me to my dilemma is the saying once a cheater always a cheater true? Or can ppl change that? I feel like if there’s something that can destroy ur relationship u should keep it in the dark because wat he doesnt know wont kill him right?

  20. Meghan u should probably tell him because holding the secret will destroy u from the inside. I mean face it. No ones perfect. Im not perfect either. Have I cheated? Yes. Have I had good reason to do it? Yes of course. Have I ever admitted it to the person? No. But I had my reasons not to admit it. I feel like wat was done has been done. Move on and forget it. But if u love this guy and want to work the relationship out u should tell him. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that I cheated and never told. Its a terrible feeling that can make u sick. I was in a long term relationship and I really loved my partner. But I let my pride get the best of me. I cheated and was too stubborn to admit wat I did. Instead I left the relationship. Not a day goes by that I DONT regret it. And to this day its still destroying me. This person still wants me back. But now im living with the person I cheated on my first love with and I’ve cheated on him also. So how do I tell him?

  21. @Angelbaby…….So what exactly is your question? What actually happened? It’s hard for us to answer this without details. Did you do something you’re worried about telling him?

  22. @theguys yes I did do something im worried about him finding out about. We had went out to the bar one night together and I ended up drinking too much. He came home and fell asleep. I stayed up and got a text from my current ex. We were talking back and forth. Well the chat turned sexual and I ended up having cyber sex and phone sex with my ex. I also sent pics. So how do I explain this and why I did it?

  23. @angelbaby…..Thanks for sharing. Now we have a better sense of what’s going on. So our questions to you are: Why do you think this happened? Do you miss your ex? Do you wish you were still with him? Are there problems in your current relationship? To us, before you do anything, you need to come up with answers to those questions. When you realize what you actually want then you’ll be able to know what to do, if you should tell or not. Because if you’re going to break up with this guy and move on there’s no point in telling him. If not, then you’re going to have to figure out a way to explain it all. Much depends on how you answer the questions we posed.

  24. @theguys I do still miss my ex and I feel I made a horrible mistake leaving. My ex wants me to come back home and fix everything. Now I love the guy im with but im not in love with him. He’s sweet and everything but I mean he’s not the best for me. He doesnt hold me or kiss me or anything. He says he loves me but always hides everything from me. So should I tell him? I mean I love him but im still in love with my ex.

  25. @angelbaby……Okay, ask yourself this. Do you think a relationship can really work with your ex? You may be in love with him but that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together? But that’s a separate issue than your current boyfriend. You need to think about them separately. First decide if you want to be with your current boyfriend? Do you feel the way you want to feel? Then based on what you decide, figure out what you want to do about your ex. Don’t lump the two together. That’s not the best way to go about making important decisions in your life. ONe at a time.

  26. @theguys I do feel that the relationship can work with my ex. I am still in love with him. My current boyfriend is possessive but doesn’t make me feel special it anything. Im not happy with him at all. But I do feel special with my ex. But idk how to tell my current Bf its over cuz he’s controlling and he kinda scares me

  27. Hi! I need some advice. (I am a 30 yo female)

    Here is the situation: I am dating a guy, let’s just call him John (36 years old), that I love very much. We click in all kinds of great ways.

    We’ve dated for 6 months. He only recently decided he doesn’t want to sleep with anyone else. For the first 5 months, he had at least 2 other women he was seeing. During that first 5 months I was incidentally monogamous with him – I didn’t feel like sleeping with anyone else, so I didn’t. Too much work, I was emotionally tired and wrecked from previous relationships, and I was really sprung off of him.

    But things changed. He recently decided he wanted to sleep only with me, but that he didn’t mind if I slept with other people or fooled around with them, but he wanted to know about it if I did, and stated that he wouldn’t be jealous. I didn’t verbally agree to this. The conversation was left unfinished, as it were.

    I wasn’t into telling him about what I might or might not do, since to me, that’s just a dating relationship, and you don’t have to tell people you’re dating what your personal business is. I also thought he WOULD be jealous if I were to hook up with someone else.

    Fast forward 2 weeks – I fooled around with and slept with someone else, and then we talked about the conversation we hadn’t really finished. I told him it was bothering me that he wanted to know my personal business if we weren’t being monogamous. We got to a good point, where I got to see where he was coming from and why he wanted to know, and then he asked me if I there was anyone in my sights. He deduced that there was, and then asked me if I had hooked up with anyone yet. I straight up fucking lied to him, told him no I hadn’t hooked up with anyone, and now I feel shitty about it.

    Honestly, I could live with it if no one knew, but like – not only the guy I slept with knows (obviously) but so do 4 of my girl friends. Now I am fucking paranoid as shit.

    What is on the line is the potential for a serious relationship. Do I tell him, as he “values emotional honesty and honesty and wants to know what is going on with me” and potentially kill the love and trust and relationship (oh yeah, it turns out he’s jealous of other dudes after all, duh) or do I just fucking bury it – all of my girl friends are not into the idea of this dude, John, and they’re all on my side and are like – “whatever! gray area!” I don’t think they see me marrying John. But what if we did? Then what?

    Basically, do I tell and either lose his trust or him, or do I keep silent and hope that my girlfriends do too?

    I lied and it doesn’t feel good. I think I could live with that, but too many people know for me to feel comfortable about it.

    Also, this is the first time I’ve done this – I am usually a really good person.

    Thank you.

  28. Hi guys I could really do with some advice. I’ve been seeing this guy for about 3 months and he called me a week ago drunk asking to be my boyfriend, so I of course said yes. He’s the best guy I’ve met though we’ve not said ‘I love you’ yet. When I went back to my hometown for a visit I met with a guy I used to get on well with, I promised myself nothing would happen, but a few drinks later things began to go places. It was a one time thing and I feel unbelievably guilty, should I tell my boyfriend or not?

  29. Hay there, my issue is similar to some of the women above but I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 months and we went to a party and he introduced me to one of the djs (my bf is a dj himself) they aren’t close friends but they share the same passion. Eventually after the party his friend took me home cause I had no lift back home and the guy I was introduced to earlier that night was with. I didn’t kiss him or anything but I felt a connection with him and he was easy to talk to. We started speaking over the phone and feelings got involved. I saw him twice after the party. The first one was when my bf was with which was another party and the second te was a few days ago. I went with my friend and the same guy (his friend) that took me home that first night and I made a huge mistake and we kissed and he touched me and it was quite intense. The day I saw him I lied to my bf saying that I’m only going out for the day with my friend so I didn’t mention the other 2 guys… I feel so horrible about it all and I had an argument with his friend and he threatened to tell my bf about me and his friend and I don’t know what to do cause he will probably leave me because he knows him and they friends and also because I lied saying I’m only going out the day with my friend. I’m a loyal person and his my first bf and I do love him dearly. I feel so guilty about it all

  30. @Chane….We’re sorry. This is tough. If you think he’s going to learn the truth anyway you have a decision to make. Who do you want him to hear it from? His friend? Or you? In our experience, the truth often comes out. And let’s say it doesn’t, you’re always going to feel guilty and worried. What do you think?

  31. i cheated on my boyfriend that is trainning to be in the air force…. so he is in basic right now we have been together for almost 9 months i love him to death and ive cheated on him before and i told he then. we broke up after i did then got back together a weeek later, after two weeks of him being gone i cheated and when i realized what i was doing i stoppped and ever since then its eaten me alive i cant tell him, ill hurt him and ill hurt myself even more. i have no idea what i need to do, i cant forgive myself. ive never cheated on someone before, i dont know why its different with him.

  32. @Brittany……Well, something must be different. What do you think it is? The seriousness of the relationship? How much he loves you? Or maybe you’re not completely sure he’s the one?

  33. i believe he just deserves better. i decided im going to be telling him just not now..

  34. @Brittany……Okay. Good luck. We hope it goes okay. Keep us posted. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends and on Facebook/Twitter. Thanks!

  35. Hey 🙂 I’m writing on here because I feel it is the only place I can unload all this guilt. Thank you in advance for listening.
    When I was 12, I fell for a boy from music camp. He felt the same way and for the next 6 years, I was head over heels. But since we could only see each other once or twice a year, a real relationship never formed. We knew a long distance relationship was out of the question, even though it felt like we were in one anyways. Basically, I waited and waited til the summertime, and couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else.
    But I knew that in the back of my mind, a lot of our passion for each other came from barely seeing each other all year, and that if I were to see him every day, I would probably find out that we wouldn’t work well together.

    2 years ago, I moved away to school and met a boy in the same music program as me. He turned out to be the most talented, kindest, smartest, sweetest and most compassionate person ever. I didn’t feel the same butterflies in my stomach like I did for the other boy, but I felt something more mature and stable while still being exciting and new. He fell for me quickly and we dove into our relationship from there. I was still hurting from missing the other boy, but that boy understood that I needed to follow my heart and see what was out there in the world. My new boyfriend and I got closer and closer, and while I struggled to move on from the boy from fiddle camp, I was equally happy with this other, very different, person. He made me feel healthy and positive in a way that the other boy didn’t. He didn’t ask me about the boy much, and I didn’t want him to.

    That following summer at fiddle camp, I saw the first boy again. It was harder than I thought it would be. We both felt such extreme sadness and longing for each other at the same time. We talked about all the things we needed to say to each other, we cried about the ways we had been hurting, and while I was permanently terrified, for a minute I felt that I could get through the week without making a big mistake.
    I didn’t. My years of passion and love for this boy resurfaced, and I cheated on my boyfriend. For those 4 days, I forgot about everything in the world outside this fiddle camp, where the memories and bonds are so strong.
    Want to know the absolute worst part of this story? I did it again, at this year’s fiddle camp. I was 99% sure I would never let us get to that point again, but we let it happen. We could not stop ourselves. He tried to give me the cold shoulder at camp a bit so that I wouldn’t long for him, but I felt my childhood self coming back like it always does around him, and as soon as I questioned him on this he explained that he was just trying not to do something hurtful again and that he feels the exact same way about me as he always did.

    It’s terrible, I know. I spend a good deal of last year wondering if I should tell my boyfriend, then decided against it because I knew it would only hurt him immensely.
    This year, it’s different. Our relationship has reached new levels. We now live together in an apartment, we teach music to kids together, we are so involved in each other’s lives. I love him with much more certainty than I did last year, but SOMEHOW I did this to him again. How could I? I didn’t even feel the same extreme love for this boy at fiddle camp this year either, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t move on. He has changed so much, mostly from the sadness I have caused him.
    Now I feel like a ghost of myself, like I don’t even recognize this person. I used to be so full of life and happiness, and now I feel numb all the time, like I have completely betrayed myself (along with my boyfriend), and there’s no point in even trying to make a good life for myself because I don’t deserve it right now.

    Will telling him be my only way to feel normal again? I can think of 100 reasons why I really don’t want to, the biggest being that I am the one that deserves to carry this painful burden, not him. I know this may be hard to believe, but there’s nothing I want less than to cause him pain. I just want us to be happy together and I want these mistakes to die with me. But I cannot let that happen if I am only going to hate myself more and more. My life is too precious to waste some of the best years of it feeling like a garbage person.

    Please help me. Is it justified if I was in love with the person I cheated with first? Is there any reasons why not telling him would be better, or am I just dragging out an inevitable end?
    Thanks so much for your help.

  36. @Jane……We’re sorry that you’re feeling so down right now. But understand something. You’re human. We all make mistakes. It happens. It doesn’t do any good to berate yourself. You need to move forward and figure out two things: 1. Why you keep going back with this other guy. 2. What are you going to do about your current boyfriend? First of all, it seems clear that part of the reason you’re susceptible to your first guy’s advances is that you never really got to explore an actual relationship with him. Which means you have unresolved emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas about him and the relationship. What could have been? Should I give this a shot? Do I still love him? Should I be with him? The fact is, you don’t seem sure about him or your new guy. So question for you: Have you talked to him (first guy) about this? How does he feel about you? Do you want to try and see what could be? The fact is, you need some sort of resolution before you’re going to feel comfortable moving ahead with your new/current boyfriend. And about your current guy…..We can’t tell you what to do, but we will say it’s pretty straightforward. Ask yourself: Would I want to know if the roles were reversed? What’s more fair. To tell him or not tell him? Will I be able to live with the secret without it eating away at me forever? Will I feel better to tell him the truth? You can’t control what will happen if you do tell him. Yep, he could break up with you. But if you do decide to tell him, at least you know that you’re in an honest and open relationship. Up to you. If you don’t tell him, then you need to feel comfortable keeping this secret. THoughts?

  37. I hung out with my ex around the second week me and my be were dating, my bf knew we hung out , we went to his house and he put his arm around me and said “I kinda wanna do stuff” at first I pulled away, then he started kissing me and grabbing my ass. I let him and it made me happy and brought back that connection we had, the next day we hung out again and my bf didn’t know about it. I ended up giving him head, I told him no over and over again at some point I stood up and walked away but he convinced me to do it. He never talked to me again. I wasnt fully over my ex at the time but now I am. I feel so guilty, I didn’t tell my boyfriend at the time because I wasn’t expecting to be with him as long but I realized I love him so much I want him forever. I would never ever in a million years do this again. It’s been 6 months since this happened. Should I tell him?

  38. @Marissa…….It all depends on you. If you can’t live with the guilt then yes you probably should tell him, otherwise it will just eat at you. However, if you can live with the guilt, and know that you’ll never do it again, and that you’re completely committed to your boyfriend, then maybe not. This is a personal choice. You have to do some soul searching and figure it out. Understand though: That if you tell him, it’s likely he’ll break up with you. But you know him better than we do. Do you think he would? (We’ll be honest: We’d probably break up with you. It would be hard to get that image out of our head once we knew. This is not a judgment, we’re just telling you how we’d feel. BUT…..we also get that life is not always black and white, so we can understand how something like this could happen.)

  39. Wow.. This is a very old article. I hope u still would like to read my post and give your honest feedback 🙂 *sorry if my english is not really that good coz i come from asian country.

    It started like this.. I met my bf during my college years (10yrs ago) and have such a great relationship with him. We were in a long distance relationship and always meet each other once a month. The problem happen when I got problem with my study and accidently fall in love with one of my classmate (since he helped me a lot in my study) . My bf finds out and i force him to let me go. Short story, I finished my study and while doing my intership..my classmate bf broke up with me coz i caught him cheating behind my back. Suddenly I feel so guilty towards my ex. I feel that karma come back to me for hurting him. I gather my breavery to contact him and say my sorry. Suprisingly he forgive me without anger or further asking what happen between me and my classmate bf. So we promise to be just friend and will see if the feeling is still there.

    While be just friend with my ex, i have been accepted to work with the company after my intership period over. During working in the company, i accidently meet with another guy and purposely to be with him due to i have a great debt that need to be settle. He helped me a lot during working there especially on financial coz i need to pay my college fees, help my parents, siblings and others. I did tell him that we will not be together coz we have a different beliefts. My parent would never accept him but because he love me, he says that when the time is come we will go according to our way. We being friends for a couple of years and during that time, i did bring my ex to meet my parent. He says that he would like to marry me and both my parent agree. At the same time i’m still with the other guy and our relationshp go further until bedroom. I want to let him go but my great debt to him making me hard to let him go. Now that my ex (now fiance) would like to get marry by end of this May. I tell the other guy that i would get marry soon. He was so shocked, angry and can’t accept the news. He keep on accusing me that i use him, that i didnt give him enough time to move on etc. I was so afraid that he would tell my fiance about our relationshp coz i don’t want my fiance thinks that i cheated on him for the 2nd time. Do you think i should come clean to my fiance? Should i tell him everything? I’m really confuse right now.

  40. @Nelly…….We can see why you’re confused. Question: Are you sure you want to marry your fiancé? Are you in love with him? And do you think you’ll feel the need to be with other men? It seems to us that you have a difficult time being without a guy. What do you think?

  41. Confused // April 1, 2017 at 4:14 pm //

    Hey guys,

    I did an awful thing and cheated on my bf. Or I guess the better way to put it was I had a fling with someone else that lasted about a month. I ended it. I realized I wanted my bf and no one else. But now the guilt is killing me. I want to tell my boyfriend the truth but I’m also afraid of him.

    I cheated because I was very insecure in our relationship. He didn’t trust me and kept accusing me of doing things I wasn’t doing until I finally snapped. In his last relationship, he cheated on his gf for 5 out of 7 years. We stopped being intimate and I got paranoid that he was cheating on me. And then I screwed up and did just that to him.

    We’ve had discussions since and I’m seeking help from a therapist so I can figure out what’s wrong with me. I guess I’m wondering if I should still tell him even though I’m going to be seeking help?

  42. @Confused……First of all, beating yourself up isn’t going to help you figure this out. Yes, you made a mistake. It happens. The key is for it NOT to happen again, now, or in the future with your current boyfriend, or any other boyfriend if it doesn’t work out with him. We’d probably need to dig into this question more and honestly, that sort of discussion is too in-depth for us to address here in the comments section. If you’d like to book a private email conversation/coaching session with THE GUYS, go to the Ask a Private Question option on our site and follow the steps. (You can just copy/paste the question there.) Yes, there is a $40 fee, but that’s quite modest compared to what you’d pay a counselor or therapist, etc. That said, it’s a good thing you have sought out a professional to talk about what’s going on with you. A conversation with us—we are not therapists—would just be another way to talk through some issues. But it should NOT be a replacement to what you’re doing currently, more an addition if you’d like. No pressure. Up to you. Take care.

  43. Hey guys,

    My story I’ve been in a very rocky relationship for almost 6 months. He has anger issues and is always yelling at me and cussing me out and makes me cry all the time. He has hit me before, he calls me names and I have gotten into a deep depression. I try to fix our relationship by trying to help him but he ignores me and doesn’t want to hear it. He threatens me and makes me feel really bad about myself but I would be lying if I said I didn’t love this guy.. I went out and had a little too much to drink and here recently I’ve noticed that when I drink I get a little frisky but not purposely.. I had sex with a guy I went to high school with and I feel bad for doing it. I feel like the worst person alive for doing something like that and I know it was a huge mistake. I’m not even that type of person to do things like that. Never have been. I want to know if I should tell him or just keep it to myself and move on from the situation.

  44. @Hannah……A couple of things. 1. Your question may be above our pay grade. Meaning, from what you’re describing of your relationship, you might need to seek the help of a professional. (Counselor, therapist, or maybe even police.) Getting yelled at or hit is NOT part of any healthy relationship and is NOT okay. 2. Figuring out your relationship seems a higher priority than what happened the other night. If your boyfriend has anger issues how would he react if you told him what happened? Please take care of yourself. Remember: Don’t sell yourself short. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and treats you kindly and lovingly.

  45. PurpleBowtie // April 20, 2018 at 4:01 pm //

    I cheated on my boyfriend. I started talking to this guy (I just wanted to be friends), but everyone thought he was into me. I liked the attention and started flirting back a bit. I love my boyfriend with my whole heart, and had no feelings for this new guy, but I let him kiss me. I regret it every second, I can’t stop crying, and I wish I could take it back. I don’t know if I should tell my boyfriend or not. It was a one-time thing and will never happen again, I feel like I’m a much better girlfriend now.

    The reason I cheated was because I’ve been living in a college residence, but next year my boyfriend and I are moving into an apartment with a group of friends. I’m really bad with commitment and the idea of leaving residence scared me because I was worried my boyfriend and I would one day break up, and then I would not be able to find anyone again (I’ve only ever dated guys who lived in my residence). The cheating was wrong, but it made me realize that I want to be fully committed to my boyfriend. The guilt is eating me alive & he seems like the type of person who would want to know. I’m just so scared he’s going to dump me, or our relationship is never going to be the same again if I tell him.

  46. @Purple Bowtie……..That’s a tough one. So you kissed the guy? Anything else? Question: Are there trust issues in your relationship? Meaning, does your boyfriend already NOT totally trust you?

  47. PurpleBowtie // April 20, 2018 at 6:00 pm //

    There was a little bit more… I ended up giving him a hand job, only because we had had conversations about sex before, and he always complained about how girls never reciprocated anything he did, so I kind of felt like I had to. I didn’t let him touch me or anything. I didn’t even enjoy any of it, I think I just liked the attention he was giving me, and when he leaned in, I couldn’t find it in myself to say no. I was planning on just telling my boyfriend we had kissed. That’s the part that he will be the most upset by, and I don’t want to hurt him any more with extra details.
    I feel like we don’t have any trust issues right now. I told my boyfriend when I first started talking to the guy, and he didn’t love it, but he trusted me (which I think is what is making me feel so guilty). We tell each other everything, I fully trust him, and I think he fully trusts me.

  48. @PurpleBowtie…..We’re not gonna lie. This is a tough call. Your boyfriend could react in a variety of different ways. (How old is he?) If he’s young, it might even be more difficult for him. Do you think you can live with the guilt?…….We’re not saying what you should or should not do, but if you do decide to tell him, we think you need to come clean about all of it. The last thing you want to happen is that he forgives you for kissing another guy, and then somehow finds out that other stuff happened. That would likely be the end because the trust would be gone completely. We don’t know your boyfriend but if he’s absolutely crazy over you, it’s more likely he’d forgive you. Sorry. We can’t tell you what to do. So how are you currently leaning?

  49. PurpleBowtie // April 20, 2018 at 7:23 pm //

    We’re both 20, but he’s such a mature guy. The cheating happened about a month ago and I’ve been trying to put it behind me and just live with the guilt, but it’s summer now and we have to do long distance until September, and being away from him has really made me realize what a sweet guy he is, and how he deserves better, how he deserves honesty. We’re absolutely crazy in love, but he’s been pretty strict in the past about his thoughts on cheaters. I’m worried it might split us up, but I think I have to risk it. I’d be willing to spend the rest of my life with this boy, and I can’t do that if I’m not honest with him.
    I’m pretty confident that I’m going to end up telling him (I’m going home tomorrow and want to get my mom’s advice first), but I’m really torn about how much to tell him. He’s usually pretty understanding about a lot of stuff, and I think there is a chance he could forgive me for the kiss, but I think that if he knows about everything else he’ll end it. If it’s just a kiss, he can brush it off that I was caught off guard, but anything past that means I put thought into it. I agree that if I lie, and he ends up finding out the full truth, that would 100% be the end, but I don’t think he will end up confronting the guy I cheated with, and no one else knows that it happened. I’m almost certain I’ll end up confessing, but I really have no idea how much to confess.

  50. @Purplebowtie….Well, you’re taking the right approach by talking it out with different sources. Us. Your mom. Etc. Like we said, it’s a really tough call. If we’re being brutally honest, we’d want to know the whole truth. But we’d also probably break up with you if we did. That said, the breakup might be temporary if we were totally in love with you……Here’s one other thought for you to ponder: Have you thought of offering him a free pass? We’re not saying this is what you should do, but it’s a way of evening the score. It also might be a terrible idea. Go with your gut. You have to be comfortable with what you decide to do. Good luck.

1 2 3

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.

Maximum comment length is 1500 characters.