My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

 

Do you have a relationship, dating or sex question? Book your private conversation with THE GUYS by choosing the Ask a Private Question option on our site. Would you like to read what other clients say about us first? Read testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice site.

_______________________________

Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice: 

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

 

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

12 Comments on My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

  1. What a stupid question…”He’s on dating site’s, is he cheating on me?” Well, if he’s with you but, he’s on dating sites…WTF do you think??? No wonder Obama had two terms…You people are retarded.

  2. @Phuk……Interesting perspective.

  3. accidentscanhappen! // February 23, 2017 at 1:03 pm //

    The only issue I have with this is the “accidental” bit, and the thought that you can’t “accidentally” discover someone is cheating. This literally happened to me. And all I did was go to my bf’s work and try to log into gmail.com on a computer there. It auto-logged in to an account, and obviously this wasn’t intentional, and I got a quick glimpse of the inbox. It was full of emails from craig’s list and all with sexual titles. It turned out this e-mail belonged to my bf and he was using CL to find encounters at work. It was ENTIRELY accidental and I didn’t snoop. I just wanted to say that accidents genuinely can happen.

  4. @accidentscanhappen……Yeah, we get it and we totally believe that accidents happen. Don’t get hung up on that part of the post. If evidence is found it almost doesn’t matter how it was found. Thanks for sharing.ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

  5. @ phuk I think you are the ignorant person she’s just trying to get advice and, now we got Trump much better you are an idiot.

  6. I feel bad for everyone on here as I can relate. After 8 months my intuition kicked in and I found his profile up and active. I confronted him and he denied, had a lame excuse and then left me a message telling me to call him as he won’t call me again and how “dare I”!! I wish I would!! I have just dropped off the grid. Including Facebook. Let him uncouple us on FB and delete me. Where is his heart I ask? Personally, going through a lot as my dad is on Hospice and prior to the riff I told him my daughter was just diagnosed with the flu! He knew I was taking care of both. 8 months you share things and become intimate with someone and in return they just pan out to be a selfish faking fling.

  7. @Star…..We’re sorry. It’s tough to learn the person you care about isn’t the person you thought they were. At least it didn’t go on for years. Sending well wishes to both your daughter and father. Take care of yourself.

  8. Yes, it will be ok. Thank you for your wishes and your site.

  9. YepThatHappened // April 6, 2017 at 3:32 pm //

    I too found my boyfriend’s dating and porn sites by accident. My son lost the TV remote and I grabbed my boyfriend’s old phone to use it as a remote. It was my phone first. We are both open with our passwords, and we use each other’s phones often. This old phone had been off for awhile, so as it was charging I noticed all these notifications popping up. Of course I’m not going to ignore it.

    I did look at as many as I could figure out, and from what I could see he never made contact with anyone. The hook up porn sites I wasn’t happy about but that’s just free porn. What bothered me most was the match.com and other legit sites where he actually had favorites a few women. Again, no contact though.

    I don’t know what to make of it all. I do believe he loves me deeply, but I don’t get this activity. And the fact he did it to me, someone who’s been really good to him after being married to a psycho bitch who beat him down…well ,it makes me angry because he’d never had thought to do this to her. Or so he said in the past.

    I want our relationship to work, so we’ll do counseling, but it’s incredibly hurtful.

  10. @Yepthathappened……We’re sorry. Betrayal is very hurtful. So, did you talk to him? What did he say? And did he agree to counseling?

  11. YepThatHappened // April 7, 2017 at 4:11 am //

    Yes, we talked and have been. I know he loves me, so I don’t question that. But I understand he’s frustrated over the fact that I’m still not legally divorced from my ex (a lot of complicated moving parts). It’s not an excuse, but I can see where this could happen. Still, the deed has been done and we need to pick up the pieces and move on. I don’t want to lose him, but I won’t put up with deceit either.

  12. @Yepthathappened…..We’re glad that the two of you are working together to move forward in a more honest and open way. Keep us posted and take care. ps. We hope you’ll share our site. Thanks.

1 8 9 10

1 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. How Do You Know If He's Interested In More Than Just Sex? | The Guy's Perspective

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.


*