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My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

 

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Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

25 Comments on My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

  1. What a stupid question…”He’s on dating site’s, is he cheating on me?” Well, if he’s with you but, he’s on dating sites…WTF do you think??? No wonder Obama had two terms…You people are retarded.

  2. @Phuk……Interesting perspective.

  3. accidentscanhappen! // February 23, 2017 at 1:03 pm //

    The only issue I have with this is the “accidental” bit, and the thought that you can’t “accidentally” discover someone is cheating. This literally happened to me. And all I did was go to my bf’s work and try to log into gmail.com on a computer there. It auto-logged in to an account, and obviously this wasn’t intentional, and I got a quick glimpse of the inbox. It was full of emails from craig’s list and all with sexual titles. It turned out this e-mail belonged to my bf and he was using CL to find encounters at work. It was ENTIRELY accidental and I didn’t snoop. I just wanted to say that accidents genuinely can happen.

  4. @accidentscanhappen……Yeah, we get it and we totally believe that accidents happen. Don’t get hung up on that part of the post. If evidence is found it almost doesn’t matter how it was found. Thanks for sharing.ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

  5. @ phuk I think you are the ignorant person she’s just trying to get advice and, now we got Trump much better you are an idiot.

  6. I feel bad for everyone on here as I can relate. After 8 months my intuition kicked in and I found his profile up and active. I confronted him and he denied, had a lame excuse and then left me a message telling me to call him as he won’t call me again and how “dare I”!! I wish I would!! I have just dropped off the grid. Including Facebook. Let him uncouple us on FB and delete me. Where is his heart I ask? Personally, going through a lot as my dad is on Hospice and prior to the riff I told him my daughter was just diagnosed with the flu! He knew I was taking care of both. 8 months you share things and become intimate with someone and in return they just pan out to be a selfish faking fling.

  7. @Star…..We’re sorry. It’s tough to learn the person you care about isn’t the person you thought they were. At least it didn’t go on for years. Sending well wishes to both your daughter and father. Take care of yourself.

  8. Yes, it will be ok. Thank you for your wishes and your site.

  9. YepThatHappened // April 6, 2017 at 3:32 pm //

    I too found my boyfriend’s dating and porn sites by accident. My son lost the TV remote and I grabbed my boyfriend’s old phone to use it as a remote. It was my phone first. We are both open with our passwords, and we use each other’s phones often. This old phone had been off for awhile, so as it was charging I noticed all these notifications popping up. Of course I’m not going to ignore it.

    I did look at as many as I could figure out, and from what I could see he never made contact with anyone. The hook up porn sites I wasn’t happy about but that’s just free porn. What bothered me most was the match.com and other legit sites where he actually had favorites a few women. Again, no contact though.

    I don’t know what to make of it all. I do believe he loves me deeply, but I don’t get this activity. And the fact he did it to me, someone who’s been really good to him after being married to a psycho bitch who beat him down…well ,it makes me angry because he’d never had thought to do this to her. Or so he said in the past.

    I want our relationship to work, so we’ll do counseling, but it’s incredibly hurtful.

  10. @Yepthathappened……We’re sorry. Betrayal is very hurtful. So, did you talk to him? What did he say? And did he agree to counseling?

  11. YepThatHappened // April 7, 2017 at 4:11 am //

    Yes, we talked and have been. I know he loves me, so I don’t question that. But I understand he’s frustrated over the fact that I’m still not legally divorced from my ex (a lot of complicated moving parts). It’s not an excuse, but I can see where this could happen. Still, the deed has been done and we need to pick up the pieces and move on. I don’t want to lose him, but I won’t put up with deceit either.

  12. @Yepthathappened…..We’re glad that the two of you are working together to move forward in a more honest and open way. Keep us posted and take care. ps. We hope you’ll share our site. Thanks.

  13. sucksrightnow // June 7, 2017 at 12:59 pm //

    Same Damn thing is happening right now with mine. So Ive been with the same guy for going on 14 years off and on the first 5 years. Everytime we broke up he went and started a new relationship each time. When we took a break a few years ago I snooped aint gunna lie went on dating sites and found his profile. he got made at me said i shouldnt be stalking and that we broke up. he begged me for my forgiveness and then we worked through things. so this past little while it has gotten rough with us, so i decided it was time for a break because we were arguing too much. I had a friend msg me and say idk what is up with u and ur BF but heres a screenshot of a msg he is having with another girl all in a week of us taking a break. I called him out on that and he tried to switch it around and say he was gunna commit suicide and all that garbage. i got him to my place so he could sleep as we have children that need him. i didnt do anything with him let him sleep and talked with him the next morning that i didnt appreciate the manipulation and all that stupid talk. so we have been talking again these past few days and i asked him did u go on any dating sites? his response was no. I snooped and low and behold he is on some dating sites. i called him out on that and his words were why cant u leave things in the past and i said u just joined last week. after saying i was the only one u wanted and that u wanted to work things out but clearly ur going on dating sites after the fact. Im tired of the bullshyt but just need some reassurance that he clearly has a problem and that it isnt me and what he did was wrong? I was made to feel like i needed to compare myself to these other woman and its taking a toll on me.

  14. @Sucksrightnow……So is he only going on dating sites when you break up? Or has he done it during the time you’ve been together? We will say that he seems like he has one foot in and one foot out. Meaning, it’s kind of telling that he immediately goes on the prowl the minute you break up with no thought to healing or trying to make things better between you.

  15. I picked up my boyfriend of 2 years cell phone not realizing it was his when it rang. It was a telemarketer. I then clicked on Safari to do a google search and it opened to a private session and at the bottom it had iPhone links. It had affairhookups.com and 2 other links to signing up for phone texts for that site. The link to affairhookups took me right in to his homepage where he had numerous text messages and instant messages from women located in the same area. I was in such shock I exited out. That was a month ago. I needed to process this. I decided we are done unless he agrees to couples counseling and that is if I can feel trust again. I plan on talking this weekend and cannot believe he could do this to us. At 64 years old I have seen a lot and this guy is basically wasting my time if he cant come clean on it. This weekend will see.

  16. @Nina……Thanks for sharing your situation. Sounds tough. We are sorry. Let us know how the conversation goes and if you have questions or thoughts. (Other visitors will appreciate what you have to say.)

  17. I started going out 6 yrs ago with a guy, after 4 months I found sparkles on his bed like someone put them there on purpose, and bobby pins in his apt. all kinds of things so we broke up and then I called him and we went back he always denied everything then we lived together and I caught him on the computer looking at home movies of naked women in my area, then later checked his ez pass bill and it stated he was going over the bridge to new jersey mayb to strip clubs when he works in pa and lives in pa.I threw him out. Then 3 months later we went back and now just dating he has his own apartment and me my own. Well I don’t snoop at all anymore, we are now up to 6 yrs together, I know he loves me but has cheated in the past. My question is do men change, he wants to move in together next year he wants to buy a house, and I pay utilities, what do you think what a roller coaster. Also he has been divorced 2 x one for cheating the other lost the love so that’s it.

  18. @Jackie……Yes, men are able to change. But can he? From what you’re describing his same behaviors have continued and probably will continue. Remember, when behaviors become a pattern that’s when you’ve got a problem on your hands. What has he done to show you that he’s changed? Has he gone to therapy? Has he seen a counselor? Has he made new friends? Has he talked openly about his issues? These are the kind of things we’re talking about. Thoughts?

  19. This thing sounds like my ex husband to me. I even found him sexting 5 women on POF. And showed him and still got mad at me and denied it you know it was all on his phone.

    I’m never taking that kind of BS again! There will be nothing to hide if there if nothing to find men and women alike.

  20. You know when I man pushes any sexual behaviour on you and tell you ” you don’t satisfy me like you should” he is a creep and it is called RAPE. if a man is over exposed to sex or porn it will take more to satisfy him but if he has to wait then the simple stuff will be amazing to him.

    If you two really love each other sex is amazing for both of you naturally with little to no effort on anyone’s side.

    I know how it feels to be in a relashonsip where sex was my “job” because I was married to him and was not satisfying him ” like a should”

    But I also know how it feels to be one with a man where we both wanted it and we had fun exploring new thing if we both wanted to. he was not experienced with sex but he was the best because he treated me with the up most RESPECT.

  21. @Hope….Well said. Thanks for sharing.

  22. Heartbroken // July 17, 2017 at 10:34 pm //

    My bf and i have been dating for just 4 months. We have hit a rough patch, and for some reason, i had a hunch to look at the dating site where we met, just to see if he was on there. Sure enough there he was, active and online. I confronted him about it and initially he denied it and made lame excuses. Then he fessed up and still had some lame excuses. Now, he is working double time to keep me, but i am not sure i want to continue. My trust has been shattered, and I’m not sure i want a guy who would do this to me. I guess what i want to know is…is this a forgivable offense? I know people who have overcome stuff like this, but i am not sure i can. Advice or thoughts?

  23. @Heartbroken……You hit the nail on the head. Some people can overcome this and some can’t. So the question is: Can you? But let’s back up. Let’s say he just “lost his way” for a moment. Maybe he was panicking about something, or unsure, and so he just wanted to see what was out there and then when you busted him he woke up and realized it was a mistake. The question is: Is this a one time offense? But a more important question to find out is WHY? If it’s because there’s something about you, or the relationship, that is not enough for him, that’s a concern. If it’s just him freaking out for a moment, that’s something else. Of course, the fact that he actually took the steps to create a profile and troll for women is also a concern. You see, this is complicated!!! We’d suggest you review all of these questions and try to figure out the answers and then go from there. But in the end the bottom line is: Do YOU believe you’ll ever be able to trust him again? There’s no right or wrong answer. Follow your gut. And keep us posted. Take care of yourself. ps. What do your friends think of him? Do they think he’s a good guy?

  24. Jennifer // July 26, 2017 at 7:30 am //

    Im dating this guy for over a month now and we’ve been going through a lot and we’ve dated alot (on and off before). I found out just recently that he’s being using a dating site and i dont know what to do since ive told him once before to delete it since it made me feel uncomfortable. What should i do? I dont know if i can trust him now. Im really confused and he hasnt even given me a reason why he’s on it.

  25. @Jennifer…..Are you dating him exclusively? (We get the sense that maybe he doesn’t think you’re exclusive.) Fill us in.

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