My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

 

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Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

5 Comments on My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

  1. What a stupid question…”He’s on dating site’s, is he cheating on me?” Well, if he’s with you but, he’s on dating sites…WTF do you think??? No wonder Obama had two terms…You people are retarded.

  2. @Phuk……Interesting perspective.

  3. accidentscanhappen! // February 23, 2017 at 1:03 pm //

    The only issue I have with this is the “accidental” bit, and the thought that you can’t “accidentally” discover someone is cheating. This literally happened to me. And all I did was go to my bf’s work and try to log into gmail.com on a computer there. It auto-logged in to an account, and obviously this wasn’t intentional, and I got a quick glimpse of the inbox. It was full of emails from craig’s list and all with sexual titles. It turned out this e-mail belonged to my bf and he was using CL to find encounters at work. It was ENTIRELY accidental and I didn’t snoop. I just wanted to say that accidents genuinely can happen.

  4. @accidentscanhappen……Yeah, we get it and we totally believe that accidents happen. Don’t get hung up on that part of the post. If evidence is found it almost doesn’t matter how it was found. Thanks for sharing.ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

  5. @ phuk I think you are the ignorant person she’s just trying to get advice and, now we got Trump much better you are an idiot.

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