My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?


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Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?


Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,


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3 Comments on My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

  1. @Tracey…..Thanks for filling us in. Overall, your relationship sounds pretty great. But we also understand why you’re feeling a bit more clingy. However, you need to temper that impulse. He needs his space and the last thing you want to do is make him feel smothered. Look, you can’t control him. If he blows it he blows it. That will be his choice. Yes, it will be very sad, but he’s got to be ALL IN by his own accord. If for some reason he can’t do that, then there’s nothing you can do about it. That said, we’re not trying to be negative. He seems like a great guy, and the two of you seem to have a loving relationship and a respectful one. Yes, he’s done some questionable things, and the book is still out as to what that all means. But the good news is, he’s willing to talk to you, and try to work through issues. Our best advice would be to proceed forward and focus on all the great things you have, but keep your eyes open, but not to the point where that’s all you can think about. Maybe see how things go in the next month and then if you still need to bring the issues up, try to do it when you’re not feeling emotionally charged. (It’s always best to address issues when the relationship feels strong. That way, he won’t get on the defensive immediately.) Make sense? Thoughts? Questions?

  2. Thank you for all your advice. That is what I plan on doing. It’s hard though. At this age I thought we’d be done with all that BS. We have all been out there and it’s hard to meet someone you click with so why do anything stupid when it’s so easy to get found out? I really want this relationship to last. I just hope in the long run that is what he wants also.

  3. @Tracey…..We understand how hard it is. We hope it works out for you. Keep us posted.

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