My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

 

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Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

50 Comments on My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

  1. @Ashley…….We’re sorry. Question: Who said it was better than porn? You or him? We can’t agree with that statement no matter who said it. Guys are obviously very visual. So looking at porn is a natural offshoot of that. But creating a profile on a dating site is really a different matter entirely. Guys don’t create profiles to look at women; they create profiles to see what else is out there. Which means, he’s either not satisfied with what he has—you—or he’s one of these guys who needs more than one person. Our suggestion: This should not be swept under the carpet. He’s embarrassed? Well, he should be. He also should be remorseful, and be doing everything in his power to make this right. (If that’s possible) And the even bigger issue is that this is now a pattern of behavior. (More than once makes it a pattern) Bottom Line: Ask yourself if you really can trust this guy? And if you’re not sure, what is he doing to try and work on this issue he has? The two of you have a lot to talk about. Thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuz. And share on Facebook. Please help a fellow reader and take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.

  2. He keeps saying he is more sorry than he has ever been in his life. That he doesnt know why he did it and it was a mistake. Apparently, he was bored (which he would be, because he was awake until about 4 that morning) and that he messed up. He said it means notng to him and that I should know it. He seems to think that by telling me the girls are not good looking, it will make me think differently. I cant tell if its because he is upset by not having enough work (he has been losing a lot of jobs with the weather changing) feeling low about himself. I trust him to a limit.. this has just made it hard. Last time he went as far as giving his number out, this time he didnt. I packed his stuff and told him to leave and he just got upset saying he knew it was so wrong and that it wouldnt happen again. What if its depression?

  3. @Ashley……This is your call. You have to trust your gut, and ultimately make the decision. We can’t tell you what to do. Depression can cause people to behave in many different ways. Certainly something is going on for him to make him do this. Boredom, we doubt it. Depression, possible. The pattern he’s displaying is: He gets upset, or something isn’t going right, and then he turns to these behaviors. And this will keep happening unless he does something to start changing how he reacts to his feelings. We suggest he see a counselor, or some sort of professional, to help him understand his impulses, and then give him tools to combat his urges. Otherwise, this will stop for a time, and then start up again when something else difficult happens for him. So Ashley, this comes down to you. Do you want to give him another chance? Are you able to be open to him again? Are you able to be in a relationship with this guy, without feeling like you have to check his phone, or snoop on his computer? That’s the issue. Not only does he have to do a lot of work on himself, but you have to be a supportive partner as he works through this. (You might even need to do some work yourself to help you cope.) So what do you think? Are you up for the task? Are you ready to put this kind of effort into this relationship? Some people choose yes, and some choose no. It’s an individual decision. Good luck. Feel free to use us as a sounding board. Take care. Thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends.

  4. hello there
    i have been with my partner 20 years. he gave me his email password because he prefers i answer some of his legal emails which i prefer to do when he is with me. he asked me for my email password and i gave it to him. he is an artist and 69 years old. a couple of days ago when i was on his computer, i noticed a woman’s name. he had written a draft responding to this woman who is in poland who is looking for marriage, that he would like to be alone on a beach with her and kiss her. i went into shock because apparently this has been going on for at least 2 weeks and has escalated into sexy talk emails and (many sexy pictures on her part). i think he thought he had sent this email because he has no clue that i saw it.
    i would like to know what to say to him because i have a feeling he is going to be offensive/defensive, i.e. deny everything. he has hidden all their emails in the computer which i found.
    i still cannot believe that he is doing this, why is he risking our relationship. we enjoy sex even though he does not have the same stamina but now i usually have to seduce him instead of him me.
    thank you. belle

  5. @Belle……..We’re sorry. Yes, he will be defensive, but you really can’t let it go can you? What are you worried about? That he’ll break up with you? Fill us in a bit and we’ll offer some opinions.

  6. hi…i dont feel he would want to break up with me. he often says he loves me and that he would never want to be with anyone else. but apparently he wants to have these thrills too. i am 55, divorced also, and do commercial modeling, so i am not worried about being alone. he complains often that his money is running out, as long as i know him. he lives frugally from an inheritance. last year we were in asia for 2 months and i took my laptop. i like to look at my history because sometimes i use it as a bookmark. well i noticed that whenever he used my laptop he would erase my history, which frustrated me. one day when i opened safari a sex site came up and i asked why was he looking at that and at first he denied it but since i pressed him and knew that i didnt pull it up. he said he was bored. he is a prolific graphic erotic artist and likes to collect pictures of nude women for ideas. since we were on vacation i let it go and he stopped.
    he has an almost daily routine of going to the local bar for an hour by our apartment for happy hour. i do not go because i rehearse with a folkloric dance group. i know that he likes to flirt and feel young and he likes to mention how young women think he is much younger. but i feel that is the wine talking, he is 20 pounds overweight and has a strong arthritic limp. he had cosmetic surgery under his eyes 2 years ago. he is usually home by 8 and has prepared dinner earlier so we eat when he arrives. he is italian and is a great cook and prepares all the meals.
    20 years ago i was sitting at a restaurant in new york when he came over to me and introduced himself to me and told me i was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. we talked a while and he gave me his card. i was out of town for a month and when i returned i called him. he told me it was love at first sight but i soon realized he was a player. he was also going thru a divorce. i dated him off and on until he said he wanted an exclusive relationship and wanted to live together or marry if that is what i wanted. so we have lived together, travel together, had family reunions and slept together for 15 years. he sometimes complains that i am not as sexy as i used to be and that translates that i do not give him daily bjs. i tell him i would like reciprocity and he uses his arthritis as an excuse. nevertheless, i wear sexy lingerie for us and we sleep nude and i like to hug and kiss and make love to him. when we were first together, he use to constantly photograph me and use me as his model. he stopped about 5 yrs ago without telling me why.
    since he was a player i did have trust issues with him but when we began to live together we were always together unless i was working/rehearsing and he seemed very devoted. so i decided to trust him and not worry because worry causes wrinkles. he learned to use the computer 10 yrs ago and went from oils to graphics and taught himself graphic design and he has a book of graphic arts nudes.
    so now i am wondering if he has signed up for any of these sites that are mentioned on this page. in fact now i am wondering if this has been going on for a long while because in the first email from this woman she said that she had him as one of her contacts for a very long time. he also erases all his history, email, junk, sent, trash every day. i thought it was just because he was beyond anal. it was an anomaly that he had not sent the draft of the email. he is uber anal in everything he does, he even cleans the apartment because he thinks i am not neat enough.
    i was expecting to be with this man forever, i thought that his need to explore new sexual relationships had resolved itself. i feel that i absolutely do not trust him now and i feel that i have to confront him and tell him that i will not be his partner any longer. time to put my armour on. belle

  7. @Belle……..Thanks for filling us in. With this new information—nude graphic artist—we’re not quite sure what to think. What we don’t like is the correspondence piece of this and the fact that he’s taken this from the fantasy realm to reality. (Or he’s at least talking that way.) Do you think he’s actually gone beyond correspondence with any woman? Is that what you’re wondering about? So the question is WHY? Why is he doing this? Clearly he needs affirmation from as many women as possible that he’s attractive still. And if that’s the case, this kind of behavior isn’t likely to stop because these feelings are internal and deep-seeded, and this “empty” feeling that he has needs to be constantly replenished. (One person can’t do it.) We also think he doesn’t realize how good he has it, and that he’s now taking you for granted. At the very least your relationship needs a shake up. So what’s your plan? Questions?

  8. hi..well early yesterday morning i made a copy of the email that he sent to her where he said he wanted to make love (not have sex) to her on an isolated beach (like we have done) and he would like nude pictures of herself. i had to go to a meeting and when i returned he was still asleep. meanwhile a long email had arrived from the polish woman with pictures of herself and girlfriend. after he had showered and dressed i showed him the email and he began to laugh and tore it up. he said that the woman was a scammer and that as soon as she would ask him for money he would end the emails. OMG…he said it was fun to lead them on and let them think he was interested so they would maybe send him nude pictures of themselves and then ignore them, because they should not be scamming men. so he inadvertently volunteered that he was doing this a a regular basis. i checked her first email and the address was with gopsoft.net, which is a pseudo dating site but all the pictures are nudes. he said he was playing these women and that it didnt mean anything at all. he said he did not mean a word he said to them, as if this made it alright. he said that he is sure that if he told men what he does they would laugh and he knew that women would be upset. he also said that probably if a male friend of both of us knew, then he would just say to him, “you fucked up” but that our friend would tell me, that “it was no big deal. “of course, this is not true. i said if i told all our male relatives and male friends they would not agree with him. in fact, i dont feel he would be welcomed at all. so he said he was sorry and what did i want him to do about it. i asked him to send her an email saying that he was inappropriate because he was in a long term relationship and not to contact him again. so he did. then he trashed/deleted her file with all her pics and emails. i think he was in shock because he asked me how i found the file since he had hidden it. i told him i had very good detective skills ie my gut. plus she had uncharacteristically sent her email by 930am instead of 330pm, so it was sitting there in the inbox when he sent her the dear john email. of course, he keeps telling me that he is sorry and never meant to hurt me and that it is not cheating because he is just playing online. i said to him that he is only sorry because he was caught, since it seems he is addicted to this sort of thing (he also does this with financial scammers). but these he is always asking my advice what to do with them. of course i ask him to stop responding to their ads. he does not feel he was deceitful, since he had no physical plans with these women. so i asked him, then why did you hide the files. “i knew you would not like it.” OMG. he finally said he would never never do it again and how many times does he have to say he is sorry and that he loves me and did not mean to hurt me.. he is also having a hard time looking at my eyes when he says this. i said that obviously we are on different planets/parallel universes because he does not think he did anything wrong and it is not cheating because he did not mean what he said to these women. how illogical is that. i said to him that he is selfish, totally into self gratification, he has no self control and has no parameters of what is appropriate behavior. he is totally okay with acting out his fantasies. he vehemently denies that he was acting out because it is online not face to face, he says that he was only flirting (and that is okay?-this boggles my mind.) I said to him when you are flirting with a woman and you tell her that you want to make love to her on the beach, that is no longer flirting, that is pre-sex talk. he just shakes his head as if thinking “she doesnt get it.” we had another heated discussion today, his unspoken position is he is sorry that he was discovered and that he did not do anything wrong, he was not cheating or being deceitful just having fun and that he loves me very much, i am his best friend, he trusts me implicitly and will never do it again and that he did not do it to be mean to me. so i am going out of town xmas eve to be with my family for 3 days. he is going to his family for 1 day. i have no idea what i will do new years eve. we usually have a party, but i have not eaten much because my stomach is a big knot, so even less i feel like partying. i suggested he see a therapist because of his continuing inappropriate choices, he looked at me as if that is never gonna happen. so i have blanked out on my next move. advice? thank you.

  9. @Belle……Let’s say for a moment that he was doing exactly what he says he was doing. Flirting and leading these women on for fun. (We’re not saying it’s right, but go with us here.) So in his mind he didn’t really do anything. (Once you mention that he also deals with financial scammers we can see how he might group the two. An odd hobby.) Anyway, the point is, it doesn’t matter what he thinks or believes, it matters more what you are able to live with. Meaning, do you trust him? Do you believe that he’s loyal to you? Can you go away on vacation and feel comfortable or are you going to be wondering what he’s up to? It sounds like he has a lot of unaccounted time on his hands. Are you comfortable with this? This is the bigger issue here. Because right now it’s he said, she said. But that almost doesn’t matter. This is about you, and how you feel about his behavior. And for the record, we don’t agree with him. He went WAY beyond flirting. (Citing this website won’t help your cause. It will just create more divisions. We just wanted to tell you.) So, the question is: How can you move forward here? How can you get back on the same page? A good place to start is couple’s counseling. It might help the two of you find some kind of common ground. What do you think? Last thing: His vocation does factor in here in some ways. It just means he’s more comfortable in a world that a lot of people aren’t comfortable in. Which means, his boundaries may be a bit more malleable.

  10. Confused Woman // December 21, 2012 at 5:16 am //

    Hi there, I cannot believe how many women out there are experiencing the same situation I currently find myself in.. My partner and I have been together for 6 years now. Last year in July we went on a trip to Europe together and got engaged. Our wedding was booked for December this year. About 5 months ago I discovered he was on about 8 different “hook up” sites. About 3 or 4 of them I could see he was actively chatting online to women sending messages etc. He even went so far as uploading a photo of himself and put out his mobile number. Prior to us getting engaged, we had 3 huge fights regarding our sex life. We both agree that it was an issue. He discussed it with his sister and close friends and they said if you’re not satisfied with how things are going then leave. I admit from my side that I did not listen to his needs and that he wanted more. Before we got engaged I also admit I pressured him to a certain extent that we get engaged soon even though he had told me a few times he wasn’t financially ready I admit I was selfish and kept pushing for it which I now see was so wrong. When I found out about the profiles I was devastated to say the least. The only decision I could make was to cancel the wedding which I organised straight away. I confronted him about it and he said he went on there as he was sexually frustrated, had never met anyone from those sites and never would and wrote inappropriate messages to these women to release his frustrations. There were 6 women who tried to text message and ring him but he made excuses or never answered there calls knowing he couldn’t go through with it. He admitted he did it for 1 year and started it 3 weeks after we returned from our Europe trip when he purchased a new phone and then had Internet access. He does not own a computer or laptop and his work requested he obtain a new phone as his old phone didn’t allow him to look up information for work as he works out in the field as a law enforcement officer. At work they have strict restrictions that does not allow access to certain websites which includes adult sites. Since I have found out I have been totally confused as to what to do. When I did find out about the profiles, I told his mum, his sister, brother-in-law, my sister and 4 of my best friends. I told them as I was so angry and in need of help and advice and also wanted to humiliate him. I am so angry, upset, hurt and disappointed by this whole situation and still cannot believe I am in this predicament. It definitely has been an emotional roller coaster. We have deleted all his profiles, deleted his email account that was attached to these sites, he has changed his cell phone number and cut up the old sim card in front of me. He is so remorseful and constantly apologises saying he will never do it again, told me he was humiliated when I told his family, he doesn’t know what he was thinking and that he was in a dark place and didn’t feel he could come and talk to me about it as the last 3 huge arguments we had got him nowhere. At the time I had also lost my job of 7 years and was so stressed out in trying to find a new one plus juggling part time university, he said he could see I was stressed and he didn’t want to add to it. I do admit though that at the time and for awhile, I was in a state that I was stressed out that I would have been unapproachable. Over the last few months I have seen old messages on his phone from these sites that he said he forgot to erase and now has. Last week I saw 2 text messages from women that had contacted him and he declined to meet them. These were messages from 1 year ago that he said he forgot to delete them as he has been stressed out by what he has done. He has promised to buy a new cell phone as soon as he can, install a parental control application on it that I would have the password to and that I am free to look at his phone whenever I want. I am having issues at accepting what has happened and that he betrayed me and our relationship for a year. I also feel so hurt that whilst I was busy starting in my new job and planning our wedding that he was doing this behind my back. We started couples counselling a month ago and the 1st session was intense but the last 2 sessions the counseller has made us discuss our needs and for the other to acknowledge and repeat back what they are to the other. My partner gets along with my family and friends very well and myself with his family. The people I have told cannot believe his actions including his mum and sister who are disgusted by it. Since this whole situation was revealed our sex life has improved dramatically and we both can’t believe how much happier we are in that respect. I am unsure as to if I would be able to get past the whole betrayal and deception for a year.. I feel this is what I am struggling with the most. He promises to never do it again and constantly apologises when he sees I get upset about the whole situation and tells me I am the only one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He has been doing things through actions trying to make up for what has happened but I feel I am still stuck on the huge betrayal even though I can see he is really trying. I have said to him numerous times I don’t think I can get past this and he has begged for me to not give up on us and he will show me if I give him a chance. I ask him questions about the sites and he tells me everything but says he doesn’t want to continuously discuss it and wants to move forward and he said he needs me and our couples counseller to tell him what to do and he will do it as he can”t think of any solutions. The things I have asked him to do as in deleting profiles, email address, calling me during the day whilst at work and at night after work, changing cell number, going to couples counselling he has been willing to do and is still doing. He told me last week that if it takes the rest of his life to earn my trust back then that’s what he will do. I am having huge issues with trust at the moment as before this I have had no issues with this at all with him. He said that he will help me try and get through these trust issues as much as possible. He tells me to please give him a chance and that what he is doing now should show me he is willing to do whatever it takes to fix this and make our relationship work and that he doesn’t want to lose me. I am afraid that if he did this again, I would not have the strength to get through it a second time and I have told him that I would leave and he would never see me again. He told me not to worry that we will never be in a situation like this again.. I have told him his actions will speak louder to me than words. However, I do not want to be in a situation from now into the future where I feel in doubt as to what he is doing when I am not around him. I am also old fashioned and think that if someone was truly in love with you they would never cheat. He said he loves me so much and went on there to let his sexual frustrations out. I told him he should have broken up with me if he wasn’t satisfied but he says he loves me so much he just couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to do it. I have always felt that if someone ever cheated on me in any way then I would leave but it’s much harder when you’re in the situation yourself and knowing what to do after being together for 6 years. We have experienced so much together and both agree that our communication skills and sex life have been huge issues for awhile which is what we have been discussing at counselling. I have always wanted to get married and have kids but could I do that with someone who betrayed me and lied to my face for 1 year? How do you suggest I should approach this situation? Do you think I should give him a second chance?

  11. @Confused Woman……..We’re sorry. We can see how much you’re struggling with this. Betrayal is hard for everyone, but some people have an even harder time coming back from it. That’s what we see here. So when it’s all said and done, whether or not your relationship moves forward will be up to you. Let’s start with your boyfriend/fiance. Most of the time we feel the guy isn’t doing everything he can to make things better. Usually the guy’s remorseful, but unwilling to do the necessary work to reassure his partner that he will never do it again. Here are the steps we recommend. 1. Apologize. As many times as it takes and for as long as it takes. 2. Ask for forgiveness and a second chance. 3. Show your partner you’re willing to do whatever takes to make things “right.” 4. Then follow through with actions. Couples’ counseling, possibly seeing a counselor himself, etc. 5. Never doing it again, or even coming close to doing it again…….Well, from what you describe your guy is following these steps to a T. We believe that he didn’t actually cheat. (Meaning sleep with another woman. He did betray you.) However, we believe that he was sexually frustrated and didn’t know what to do. (Not that what he did was right.) We believe he’s remorseful. We believe he loves you. And we believe he’s willing to do anything he can to be with you. We wish more guys would step up to the plate like he’s doing. Now let’s look at how this may have happened. You didn’t give specifics about your sex life but if a guy is frustrated with his sex life that’s a very serious matter. In fact it may be the most serious matter there is a for a guy when he’s in a relationship. (Until he becomes a father.) Sex is how guys connect. And they want it to be good. Good means fun, hot, passionate, sexy. Please read the post on our site for suggestion: Good sex vs. Bad sex vs. No Sex. So imagine his frame of mind: He loves you, wants to be with you, but is seriously frustrated by the sex. He doesn’t know what to do. You mentioned you were having communication problems so he’s not sure he can talk to you, and then bam, he makes a really stupid decision. (We would have preferred he looked at porn or something like that rather than involve another woman.) But that said, that’s how we see this happening. The other thing you mentioned that you need to consider—and sounds like you have—is the way you steered this relationship to your ultimate goal: Marriage and family. He went along with it because he loves you, but it sounds like he felt a bit emasculated, which would contribute to his frame of mind, and his need to seek out women who wanted him because he was a hot, virile guy, not because they just wanted someone to marry and he kind of fit the requirements. It’s almost like you have (or had) this story playing in your head where as long as the guy fit a certain list of requirements he could be anyone; but then you didn’t really care about what your guy actually needed. (Sorry, we’re just being honest and trying to get you to see his frame of mind.) We’re absolutely not making excuses for him. What he did was dead wrong. And we can see why you feel the way you do. And if he ever does anything remotely like it again we suggest you move on. But understand that in this case, we believe the two of you were in this together, because like we said, we do kind of believe him. So our advice: Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep going to couple’s counseling. We also recommend that both of you see a counselor or therapist by yourselves to work through your own issues. Him: Help him understand the feelings that caused him to do this so he won’t do it again. You: Deal with the betrayal and hurt, but also understand what part you played. (If you did.) But we think your relationship is salvageable. And not only that, worth salvaging. But it’s up to you to let go and forgive and move on. Also, even though this feels really crappy, this could have been much, much worse. He could have actually cheated. Last suggestion: Please don’t embarrass him anymore. We don’t think embarrassing someone is a good idea, or involving your family in this. We can guarantee that he feels very resentful about that, and it will come up again in your relationship when things are on solid ground. We know why you did it, but we’re strongly suggesting you work things out between the two of you. Because now you put out negative feelings about him, and when things get to a good place you’re also going to regret you did that. Finally, understand that all of our opinions/comments are coming from a supportive place. We’re just trying to get you to see what’s what. Take care of yourself and good luck. Thoughts? Questions? Ask as many as you’d like. And hang in there. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  12. I’ve had a similar issue with my boyfriend… I discovered he was using dating sites when I was about 8 months pregnant, confronted him and of course he denied all knowledge etc etc. He tried to say he’d been going onto them to try and delete the profiles but was having problems. So of course I was thinking that was very convenient since he was using 2 different sites that I knew of and how could he have the same issue with both!!! Anyway he assured me there was nothing to worry about, however around a month after I’d given birth to his daughter, I then discover texts on his phone from some woman that he later admitted he’d met her on one of the dating sites. I was devastated, and obviously I still had suspicion from first discovering the websites on his internet history. The texts were flirty etc and more than just friendly chat. He told me he never intended on meeting her and hadn’t done anything, only speak to her. But my issue is how can I be sure he wouldn’t have taken it further?? I’m just so hurt because he knew how I felt when I first discovered he was using the dating sites, and then even after that he still continued with the secrecy. And to top it off, this was while I was pregnant with his baby and shortly after I’d given birth. I just feel sooooo betrayed, regardless of whether he’s done anything with this woman or not.

    Also since I discovered the texts (which was a couple of months ago now) he still has the 2 dating site profiles active! I’ve confronted him several times about them and he keeps trying to tell me that he’s not using them (even though it shows when he last logged in!). He deletes his browsing history on his computer now and on his mobile phone – I asked him to show me his phone the other day and kept refusing to saying why should he. He always has his mobile on him and even puts it in his shorts pocket at night when he goes to bed. I just feel he’s still being very secretive and isn’t being completely honest with me. If he wasn’t so secretive then I wouldn’t be interested in his phone etc. But I feel that he must think I’m stupid when he tells me he’s not using the sites when you can clearly see he is – he also gave me and excuse that “these things can get hacked you know”. Whatever!

    So overall I’ve lost trust in him, my feelings are changing towards him, and I kinda don’t really want any affection from him anymore. I’ve been trying to put it behind me since we have a baby to think about, but like I said it’s the secrecy that’s caused me to feel distant from him now. We’ve had endless chats about it all and I’ve explained exactly how I feel, he says he wants to fight for me yet he’s not done much to show me how important me and the baby are to him. I’ve said lets give it another month to see if he can show me any signs of our relationship being worth saving…

    So please tell me what you think!?
    Thanks!

  13. @Jen……Like you said: What has he done to SHOW YOU he’s done with this sort of behavior? And that’s the issue. Well, that’s the secondary issue. The other issue of course is, WHY he felt, or feels, the need to be on these dating sites. Yes, becoming a father, and all the responsibility that comes with it, is overwhelming for most men. And some men worry that they won’t ever be attracted to their partner again. But not all men react this way. He’s betrayed you for sure. To what extent we can only guess. (You’d know better than us.) Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust him again? In closing: This comes down to two things. 1. What will he do to change and show you that he’s completely committed to you and your baby. 2. Do you have the ability to forgive and move on? (We’re not saying you should, we’re just asking the questions.) We don’t know if he has the capacity to change, or if he’s the kind of person you can truly build a life with. We don’t know him like you do. So what do you think?

  14. Hi I have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years and living with him for 4. He has always been the one pushing the commitment side of things and even suggested getting married and having kids in the last year. I have never suggested marriage or kids or anything. About a month ago I was innocently on his mobile internet and when i clicked on the browser the last page he had been on popped up. it was a sex/ hook up kind of dating website. I found naked pics of him and msgs from him to local women trying to arrange to meet up. This threw me as I honestly trusted him 100 percent before this. The only thing before this was a couple of years ago when the phone bill was high and he had been ringing sex chat lines. when i confronted him about this he went raving mad even though i thought lil of it at the time except for the cost. i understand men need porn and such. my problem is i cannot understand why he has felt the need to cheat as we have sex several times a week and i have always tried to do things exciting like outdoors, dressup etc. i confronted him and left him for a week. his excuse was that he wanted to propose soon and felt the need to sleep with one last women before doing so. this is one of many excuses he has provided since. i know this is bullshit but i have returned yet i cant get over the betrayal and because of our active sex life i just dont understand the need for it. after snooping more since on dating sites i discovered he had an acc open months ago meaning this has been going on for at least 8 months with me being none the wiser. I know i should leave but i love him so much i am finding it so hard. I am so confused as to why he had to do this when he has sex on a platter from a girlfriend. please advise

  15. I should also add that he maintains that he didn’t cheat but from looking through the msgs to women it just seems like he didnt get the chance to as they didnt respond when he asked to meet up. My family know most of what he has done as I was at their house when i left and ranting on the phone to him out of anger, they heard it all and now neither are speaking to each other. he has said how sorry he is but I am afraid that if i stay with him the same issue will arise in the future. plus he lied about being on any other website to my face when i know different so for all i know he has cheated and is lying about that.

  16. So…my boyfriend and I got together a year ago. When I met him, there was a girl messaging him which he said they had gone out a couple times and he had met her on a dating site. Of course I got on the site and he hadn’t been on it and she stopped texting so all was good. We got pregnant and moved in together. A week after our daughter was born, he said he needed a break which ok, our relationship was rushed and now here’s this baby that wasn’t planned. Well, New years eve he left. He’s been staying at his parents. Says he still wants to date but thinks we need to take a step back since everything was pretty rushed. Back track a little, 2 months before our daughter was born, I found a receipt to a bar. Took him 3 days to finally admit to me he went. Knowing I saw the receipt he still denied it and had the audacity to call me crazy for assuming he was there. Then again, a month before she was born it happened again. He denied it up until he decided we needed a break once she was born. Still never really admitted it. Anyway, present day I get an email from that dating website that he has been logged on. He is denying it. I feel like it’s the whole bar thing – I had proof he was there buthe still denied it, now I have this site saying when he was lost logged on and what not and he’s still denying – saying we’re never going to get passed stuff if I keep holding on to it. How can I not refer to the bar thing when this is the exact same thing. He tries to say that maybe he didn’t log out correctly – he did admit to getting on there as he was cleaning out his emails, but only admits to one time to try and download the pictures from his profile. I’ve told him if he wants to date other females it’s fine, just be honest but still….I don’t get it.

  17. @Sarah……We understand. So do you have a question? What is it exactly? It’s clear that something is going on. And it’s clear that he’s not 100% committed to you and his daughter. (Which is sad, honestly) Our sense is he feels stuck. (How old are you? Him?) Clearly he didn’t expect to find himself in the situation he’s in. But he’s not stepping up to the plate. If he was a man enough to have sex and get you pregnant, he needs to be man enough to be honest. He might be telling the truth about the dating site, but there is something he’s not telling you. That’s going to be up to you to figure out. Have you thought about couple’s counseling?

  18. Clearly. I don’t know that there really is a question. I’m 34 and he’s 33. No, our daughter wasn’t expected and when we first found out we were pregnant, he was all in for a family and he was and has been an amazing person. He just lies. I guess I know what I need to do and that’s just let him go but that really sucks because there’s so much love. We went on a “date” the other night and had an amazing time. I just wish I knew why he can’t be honest. I’ve mentioned counseling before but he says he’s not into it because he tried it when he was married and it’s a crock. He keeps telling me he wants us to work out and him moving out, according to him, was him still giving it a shot for us to start on a blank slate. Unfortunately we can’t erase too much of the past because we have a little being now and the fact he keeps being dishonest kinda tells me he really isn’t trying at all.

  19. @Sarah…..We’re sorry. We know this must be really hard for you, especially since you have a new baby. We’re not sure what he’s up to. And we even hate to speculate. But something seems fishy. And yes we agree: we wish he could be honest. Keep us posted and let us know if you have any other questions. And take care.

  20. Hi! It meant a lot to me to read all these posts and replies, it helped me feel less alone, ashamed and devastated. My story is in some ways similar but a bit more complicated and ill try to make it as short as possible.
    Me and my BF are together for over 4y and its long distance relationship, I’m 30 and he is 25. Relationship is still very passionate and we do love each other a lot and generally we go together very well but…
    Unfortunately when we started things I was still involved with my ex fiancee and for a while I was in parallel RL… I’m still really embarrassed for what I was doing bk then…After short time of chating with my current BF I rly started to like him a lot and things between us heat up alot and we decided to meet up. So after that I really fell for him but still couldn’t grow a pair and end things with ex fiancee. The whole mess finally ended up after few months of my constant lies to both of them once my ex snooped my pc as I got so cold with him and he found chat logs and confronted me. I ended things with ex fiancee and I came clean with my BF and told him everything, TBH i thought he would leave me but I just wanted to stop doing what I was doing to them and to myself. But my Bf insisted to stay together and that he understands me and forgives me, for that I loved him even more and appreciated him more than ever, but…
    As all this was happening over 3y ago and when I look bk on those 3y, he changed a lot…
    Not long after he started to pull away from me. First big thing that happen was that somewhere about 2y ago he told me that he decided to go back to Uni and that’s final, since that’s the only way for him to get better job – only way to be able to support me once I move in with him in his country until I settle but that studies will last for 4-5 more years and that he doesn’t expect me to wait on him. I was in shock for days and it was first red flag about his promises of love and future together weren’t so true. I decided to stay and fight, I was trying to prove him how much I care for him and how guilty and sorry I felt for hurting him so much in the past and I wanted to fix things.
    After a while a looked tho friends FB account my BF’s FB wall and I saw he was sweet-talking with few girls. I got enraged and decided to look all similar networks on which i knew he had accounts and more I looked more things i could find. Ofc i confronted him and he said those are just some friends and that it has no meaning and that he understands how that made me feel and how sorry he is and that he wont do it again and i dropped it. As time went by I started paying more attention to his behavior as by that moment I trusted him 100% and never had the need to snoop around. More and more signs were popping that he ain’t what he presents himself to be, putting password on his phone and putting it away always and similar…So i took things in my hands, sorta hacked his email and FB and over there found more correspondence with ex GFs and some girls he knew over net or in person and that he had profile on some dating site, unfortunately i didn’t have enough time since he noticed his pw was changed. So huge fight came after that, he was mad for me hacking things and said all that i accuse him ain’t true, that he never cheated and only was writing things either when really drunk and felt bad for it next day or was only catching up with old friends… and so on. Since I didn’t find any Prof of actual infidelity I only pointed out that even if he didn’t do anything yet he eventually will end up liking someone who he chats to too much online….same way like he liked me and i liked him…
    I was so scared I would loose him as I felt in my heart he is the one, I fought to keep RL going so hard, and more I fought he was more and more evil towards me. Ignoring me for days after some stupid arguments and so on… I was falling in deeper and deeper depression as he would one day how he cant live without me and then ignore me for days for something stupid. So step by step it got really bad so 1.5y ago I took friend’s advice and went for anti-depression therapy and doctor told me to make distance from BF and then I would be able to see things better and decided what i really want and if its possible at all. So he felt me pulling away and other huge fight happened so we didn’t speak for 2-3 weeks and eventually I decided to give it an other chance and more or less begged him to come bk with me…
    Things were starting to get better after that, he got better payed job and we fought less and less but last summer he decided to go holiday with his single mates and got me pissed so much as he wasted days off work, money, ruined our plans for summer to go to the seaside, ended up for not meeting me for 5 months… I kinda had too much at that point, so when he came to visit me 2 months after holiday which was 3 months ago I decided to set keylogger on my laptop and get his passwords to see what he is doing behind my bk. So I looked tho FB and I found out he was flirty with ex GFs and other girls, one chat caught my attention the most and as it turned out once I confronted him he had sex with that girl during our break of 2-3 weeks (the time i started with my therapy). He said he saw her once and felt awful after that..lol…and that he was just so down at the time as he couldn’t sort for us to be together and lost all the hope and thought we broke up and wanted to move on but after being with her he realized that he loves me and nothing and none can replace me. (girl confirmed to me it was only once)
    He then cried and begged to stay together, how he was taking me for granted for a long time and how now finally we have money to be together after everything and to give it a go. I insisted on details, I got them, gave me PW to mails and so on…premised he will change and only focus now on me moving there and how he will delete all those girls, mails… I asked him over and over to tell me if there is more and he swore there isn’t but I couldn’t trust him really. So he went bk home and he started acting really nice and actually changing a lot all for better. Ofc i snooped more around and found out he had an other email, it was empty, but tho history of correspondence i saw he was on few dating sites and on some escort site. So it turned out he had made an account just as he returned from that holiday with mates on his mates suggestion to check out stuff on it and on escort site he correspondent with a prostitute asking around for prices for sex with him and his mate…sick…all so sick…after that i was all broken…I still am! He said he chatted to few girls but nothing happened but he put up picture of his face and one being topless…as for escort he said he would never pay for sex and him and his mate were only messing around. He did delete profiles and email once he got home as he promised but he still was trying to hide it from me. He admitted on his own that he once tried webcam sex thing as being bored of porn to check it out but it didn’t work well and wasn’t interested anymore…As for browser history…things I could see were like advices how to be more attractive to girls and so on… A lot of sick things there!
    Anyhow ATM he is really nice and he tries to fix things and sort stuff for me to move there. But if someone was doing all those things in the past…can he ever change? Will he do it again? Is he some sex addict? And how the hell Iv let myself be so stupid and blind and think he is an angel…will he just lie better now on and hide things better?

  21. @Anci…….It’s hard for people to change. It takes time. But that’s not your issue. Your issue is why? Why is he doing these things? Is it because this is who he is? Is it because he’s still angry and resentful at you for the way your relationship began? Is he doing it to protect himself? (He hurts you before you hurt him) Why is he doing it? Sure, it is a red-flag that he resorts to these types of behaviors when he’s feeling down or depressed. That’s something he needs to address himself. Why does he need to make himself feel better immediately, and then seek a woman’s bed to do this? But overall the two of you are in a down pattern. In order for you to make this free you need to break free from this pattern. Couple’s counseling might be a good place to start. Or maybe get things going with a heart-to-heart conversation. One thing to note: Sometimes when relationships get to this point it means they’ve run their course. When you see that you’re putting a ton of energy into it and things keep falling apart it’s time to take a hard look at the relationship. Take care and good luck. Other questions?

  22. wants some advice 101 // January 26, 2013 at 2:55 am //

    Ok so heres my situation. im in a realtionship of aprox 7 nearly 8 yrs. we have 3 children together (too young to understand what happens if their parents separate) and have practically built a life together. last week i had this gut feeling… somethings wrong. bare in mind that my partner has cheated several times in the past and i’ve always some how tried to make our relationship work and stick together for our family. anyway, i never trusted my gutt feeling in the past and would give him the benifit of the doubt, turns out i would be wrong so i went with insticnt this time. i snooped his phone, he had been acting suspicous, hiding his phone everytime my head turned his way and he was on it. bam, there it was, sex dating sites. he had listed he was single, looking for descreet relationship, casual sex, marrying! i found emails on his account where he was trying to convince some local girls to come meet with him so they could have sex. There wad even an uploaded photo of himself! needless to say i was and still am PISSED OFF! I confronted him and he claims his phone had been hacked and it wasnt him. i can feel it when i look at him… its all lies. he did that looking for sex elsewhere. About our sex life: i have a high sex drive, i want it more than he does! im open to a variety of thongs to keep it interesting, not the same one style crap some girls do. and yes, he does get amazing gobbies from me

  23. wants some advice 101 // January 26, 2013 at 3:04 am //

    Sorry accidently pressed post.

    anyways, sex should not be a problem here. i’ve asked him why? does he not find me attractive any more or is he bored with me or want to move on to someone else? the answer i recieve is always no. the worst bit is that he just pretends he did nothing wrong, that im bad for snooping andsays things to me like “oh what? want some other dick do you? other than that gut feeling everything ele in the relationship should of been okay. i just dont get it. i told jim how i feel trapped by what hes done (he still claims innocence) and i’ve told him that if we stay together he has to get rid of the sites and talk to me! tell me what he need and work on us. if not, just spare my feelings, time and energy and let me walk away from this relationship so we can both move on. he wont admit hes done anything wrong and he wont let me go either. i know that sounds crazy but if i were to leave o would basically have to run away. what are mty other options? and before u mention councelling… he wont go to a couples one and hes been to personal councelling before already

  24. @Wants some advice……….We’re really sorry. This is a tough and confusing situation to be in. So what do you want? That would be our first question. It doesn’t sound to us like he’s going to change, and it also doesn’t sound like he cares enough about the relationship to try and work on things. So what do you want? Do you want a relationship where there are major trust issues? We can’t tell you what to do, but it seems you should be allowed to make your own decision here.

  25. This is a classic situation, almost cliche. I am sure the relationship wasn’t just fine all along them suddenly the dating website happened. Sometime if a relationship lasts to long it’s hard to break off, especially considering the alternative will be loneliness. Some people look for other interests during the decline of a relationship as is probably the case here. Him flipping out and leaving is an over-reaction indicative of the truth here. He wanted to leave the that was the first time he had an opportunity to, albeit self-riotously. He shouldn’t be on a dating site and you shouldn’t fee bad for catching him on one.

  26. WOW, I’m so shocked that many of you are having this problem. I am in the same boat! I met my bf online and its been almost a year now that we have been together from the first meeting I felt like I had known him forever we just had a perfect connection! A couple months ago I was on his labtop doing hw and saw he had been on that website looking at girls! When I confronted him about it he said it was for his friend which I could understand at the time and his friend confirmed this. I trusted this man completely! He is my world but he has a lot of committment issues. Recently I saw again on his labtop he had been loooking at girls again! I kinda was sneaky about it and brought it up one night laughing bringing up his friend and if he had ever found a girl and if my boyfriend was still helping him. My bf said nah not anymore. So the dating site I knew right then was for HIM! I caught him there and told him then why are you on the dating site. He looked at me and accused me of snooking and invading his personal business. which I undersatnd I did snoop but when he starts talking to other women that becomes my business as well is it not? So he claimed that he was just looking and was just scared of our relationship and evreything. I believe that he is scared cause he loves me a lot and wants to be with me but I just don’t understand why he would go look at girls. Well this past weekend I looked at his labtop again which i know bad on my part and I told my self I wouldnt’ but he left his email open. He had messages from these women! LOTS of them. So I made a fake account and messaged these girls asking if they were talking to him and everything. 3 said they had been for a week which I guess could be worse, but still breaks my heart. And they said how he had been telling them they were pretty and wanted to meet up at the beach and how he gave them his phone number! Thats **** up. When you sleep with me everynight, tell me you love me, hold my hand, go on trips and make me dinner and behind closed doors talk to other women. Thats sick! So its been a rocky road and I saw his phone as well…which confirmed him saying “good morning pretty girl how are you” which is what he usually says to me! I felt so betrayed right then and there. He accuses me of invading his personal business but he broke our trust by doing this behind my back. Don’t get me wrong this is an amzing guy and I trusted him a 100% which is why now Idk who this person is anymore? I feel like I would be crazy to go back with him but I love him way to much for it….idk what to do….should I just not give up on him and be patient and cautious and get out now??

  27. @BGroubs……..We’re sorry. You should read the comments. Everyone has a different take and a different plan. It’s hard for us to tell you what to do. But you have a serious issue on your hands. We know you love him, but do you really think you can trust this guy? In the future? Maybe you can get over it now, maybe not, but what about when it keeps happening in the future? What we can say is this: If you don’t see serious work on his part—therapy, counseling, etc.—it’s very unlikely his behavior will change. Maybe he’ll put in on pause for a bit but it will return. That we can almost guarantee. So you’ve got some serious thinking and talking to do. Good luck. We’re sorry again. This is tough.

  28. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years we live together hr was on couch besode mr on dating web site I checked his profiles n they said if bitches wont text him back then dont afd him etc I confronted him he said he created them when we argued he is on several dif sites he said he was going to delete them well I let it go ive been checking them amd he still been getting on amd he kreps sayin he will blah blah I feel like he doesnt love me cheating cause he always makes excuses to why I cant go with him when its mu car and he is gone for hoirs at a time I dont knoe what to do im depressed and just feel lost I dont know what to do

  29. @Mallory……What’s your gut telling you? Listen to that. And what do your friends think? Your parents? Listen to them as well. To us, it sounds like he’s cheating, or trying to cheat. (Almost the same.) Ask yourself; Can I really have a long-term relationship with this guy? Will this guy really make me happy? Can I really trust this guy? What happens when we have kids? What kind of father is he going to be? You have a lot to think about. Good luck.

  30. There are a lot of people on here, including me, who are hurt and bewildered by what their other half/partner/boyfriend has been doing.

    I split up with mine 45 days ago and am still looking to understand why he..how could he..and lie…with whom..how often..under what circumstances…but all back to WHY in order to somehow find a resolution to the person i KNOW and the things they were doing that contradicted this person i KNOW and trusted and if i know the WHY, then i have something to work from to bring him back to acting like the person i believed him to be. My motivation was overwhelming..I must trouble shoot, i must problem solve…til it’s back to the way i was happy BELIEVING it to be…so i used to think..

    There are a few hard facts i had to swallow, and am only now beginning to digest…he lied, repeatedly, and yet can be searingly candid about other difficult aspects of himself, he did not respect me in this situation, even though was otherwise very respectful and caring, he wanted other women than me sexually…even though the sex was varied, frequent, i gave him the best orgasm of his life, and people have all said i am way hotter than him. I’m saying this to try and impart that it is a total mind f*** to find out that the man you are with is NOT the man you would wish yourself to be with based on his actions.

    From observing my past relationships i had in my 20’s that all had different problems be it infidelity, lies, selfishness, stingyness, abuse, whatever, seeing people in my family who are now 40, 70, 100…patterns have established and are here to stay. Sure people can mellow and don’t have the energy they once did to carry out their desires as they once did.. they are, who they are, and at some numb point, i accepted it and know trying to change any of them would be futile, and the effort involved would render me non existant as a person in my own right as i would have no energy left to enjoy life and enjoy being me.

    So what’s my point…well…the common theme i read in comments here, is that there seems to be a growing discrepancy between who they BELIEVED their partner to be, and what the EVIDENCE is now showing them. We cannot get hung up on the parts of a person we like, love, admire and respect and hope these newly discovered parts are so out of character that surely they cannot be part of that person really and are just a passing phase, some anomaly, even sign of mental breakdown of somekind!

    At this point, clutching at straws, i go back to seeing how much effort did he put into finding other women…he hasn’t logged in for a week so maybe it was just a phase thing…he didn’t chase them too hard etc …hasn’t replied to that girl’s message yet..
    Sorry but i am deluding myself here to appease my hurt and delay judgement. He’s working on his own clock, mood, and not setting about trying to meet my threshold for what i would find wrong, grossly wrong, or an immediate dumpable offence!

    I just…had to accept him as a whole, no matter how hurt and surprised i was by the revelation of his deception. Now the question i had to ask myself was do i accept him, or leave him. (please do not try and negotiate his behaviour or change him, people know what is right and wrong and do what they do cos they want to).

    I had to leave him and subsequently found out (was comforting and disturbing at the same time) that he did the same pretty much with ever girl he’d been with.

    One bit of advice that helped me was, people have their beliefs, and their needs. And people will always act on their needs over their beliefs if the two come into conflict. The solution? Either accept him the way he is and be grateful for that week he DIDN’T go trolling and checking out so and so, and the times he was being present in the moments of real intimacy that only you two share…attending to your needs etc….and then, you will also have to accept him when he decides he wants to go and find other women for an ego stroke, sexual variety (variety in the fact she is NOT you, the woman he has already slept with loads), or cos doing bad makes him feel good. Cycle then repeats back to the good again. The thing to know is, you will never be the master of when these moments will happen, the good or the bad. We cannot control people. You will be on constant edge and that will eventually fry your nerves and when it gets soo bad u will leave…

    Advice i am giving myself after chastising myself for wasting time on him..ever..after not eating, not sleeping, stalking him online, crying, stalking online, crying, staying in bed all day, living off caffeine nicotene, crying again…feeling more lonely around other people, finding my misery and pain more comforting…repeat the above x10..

    Is that i feel i can now go back to being an observer of the horribleness of human action and not a sufferer….i can empathise and think ‘thank god im not in that place anymore’
    glad that he does not hold the key to my being happy or sad anymore with his actions,
    and that i want to meet someone, who does NOT have the NEED/IMPULSE to do this kind of thing. And i still haven’t resolved who i thought he was with these newly discovered actions, and i don’t know if i will, or how i will feel about him in time to come….i will only know when the time comes…and til then, i am staying strong simply by staying away from him.

  31. @Kat……Thank you for sharing your story, insight and newfound strength.

  32. michele // March 2, 2013 at 3:17 pm //

    Im going through the same issue but our relationship just started I know where you are coming from and I thought I would do it too and give him one more chance but all he has been showing me that he is not done doing it I found out that he started relationships with other girls. he also likes young girls the younger the better. well I stayed and I gave him one more chance but I dont think its worth it I mean he is worth it

  33. I learned my lesson about checking up on what my ex is doing via his facebook page because he posted a picture of him wearing and EKG monitor and so i was pretty worried about him. But, with all expectation and high running emotions aside (as much as i could), i offered my support via a message, and he wrote back a funny, self depracating message and explained what happened (he got electrocuted). I was really tempted to write back a bit of banter as well, thinking of him bored there in his hospital bed, no real friends, and that how things like this bring people close again. But then i thought NO. Bad move that. He always does what he needs in order to satisfy those needs and i offered practical support, and that is all i can give. I am not offering anything else and so, as he didn’t need my help, end of chat. It was hard because the feelings were strong, to be there for him, in ‘my way’. But as i was really doing this out of duty to him, and not to scratch my own emotional itch, i kept it short with no questions. Just offered support. I thought it would set me back, but i think of him no more than before (still loads though), and i did right by me, again. Feels good. Never had so much conviction to do the right thing before and am trying to stay away from that pandora’s box of the ‘what ifs’. Sorry to post again but this was a bit of a curve ball to the situation and hope maybe it will help someone else if a similar thing happens to them!

  34. @Kat……Thanks for sharing. Take care.

  35. well..i do have thesame issue.my boyfriend and i are in this relationship for over 4 years..i believed and trusted him for everything he do and said..but after that 1 year LDR thing..everything changes….he barely spend time with me on phone,he doesnt have time to call me,he barely replies with my messages on FB,i also found out that he has an account on some dating sites….looking for a date i gues…But how how could he do that when in fact we just met weeks ago..and then try to tell me that he had fallen out of love..that his so tired of having an LDR …

  36. Right now I am in the middle of a extreme crisis of trust with my fiance. I best start from the beginning and I warn, whilst I will try to condense this..it will be long.Apologies for that.
    I met my fiance over a year ago on a Native american social site. I am in the UK,he lives in the States. We talked for seven months before I decided to go visit, he suggested I stay there and we had built up enough of a friendship also genuine affection with each other. He is a little older than I, well educated, a businessman and an artist. We both bonded on our gritty childhoods, appreciation for similar things and ability to have conversation with each other, with ease. Not once in this time did we webcam, I did call him a couple of times and whilst there was some flirtation of the sexual kind. I was never asked for pictures, wasn’t talked dirty to in conversation, never asked to webcam etc. So anyways, I went over to visit, I had managed to get a month away from home. First days were good, getting to know each other. I happened to discover he had a facebook account, which he had never mentioned prior. He showed me photographs he had taken on there, so none of my actions were “snoopings” or anything of that nature. It was left , I didn’t mention it more than to say..I had no idea he had an account. It did trouble me a little and over the followings days, whilst he was at work, I could see on the pc, he logged into, that there had been exchanges of some kind with another woman from the Native site I had met him on. The woman was totally at odds with the type he would choose to be with. My fiance is somewhat bumbling, eccentric, he looks his age, doesn’t have any kind of social circle as such in his immediate, not one of the boys etc etc. Like I mentioned, he didn’t ever use any kind of tacky lines on me, ask me to cam or mail him anything erotic. I could not see what was exchanged between the pair on facebook, only to see her profile and the kind of shit she posted on the daily and the odd comment he had made on one of her pics. There was no sign of any real flirting between them and from what I could see, he also used the same terminology on photo’s of the other people’s pictures that I could see. Since his facebook profile was rigidly set to private..then there was no way of seeing what was on his timeline. I did see the profile pics he had posted..but again, there wasn’t anything to indicate he had interest from any other party. Ok, so all of that aside. I got back from my trip over there , during which time I had no idea what he wanted from the relationship..he had said about building it and maybe I would come back some time in future. I had hoped after a month of staying with him,he might have been a little more open, in hindsight and now that I know more of his personality..he is very guarded, scared of being hurt, had been single for six years previously and had been cheated on. So basically he was quite set in his ways and cautious of making rash decisions. So there I am back home, bit confused as to what was going to be happening, by this time I was in love with him. The facebook thing bothered me still on some levels, esp when he “jacked in” the site that I had met him on. It left the only pathway for communication being Gmail chat for us both. I started to feel hidden as we pursued our relationship, not understanding of why he had kept me on the fringes of his life internet wise. One day I had enough and I just blew, I brought up that I had seen the comments he made on pictures, I felt he was hiding me..that he was less of a man than I thought he was, that it was eating me up. He came back with something equally defensive, said he couldn’t be responsible for how I felt, that I was doing that to myself..which to a very large degree I was. I replied to him, told him he didn’t deserve me if I could not get an explanation, that I would cut off all ties with him..basically I had a hissy fit, hoping he would somehow make an explanation. Of course he didn’t. He did say that it seemed I had waited to get a present from him, then dump him..that he had wanted to marry me, that I had his heart from the time I got there at his home. I decided though I just had to cut him off..I had worked myself up in such a state I couldn’t trust him..A fault of mine too perhaps and my own self esteem. So moving along from that. Many days passed, I cut him off on channels. One day about a week or so later I received a virtual card, saying that he hoped that I was ok, that he felt sad that there might be reason to regret our time together and that he worried about myself and my kids. Gradually I softened and we began a communication again. firstly gently, and merely mailing once in a while..Then it grew back to more again. By two months later I was offered a job over here, a good one..I told him about it, and his response was encouraging, but at the end of it,he made some mention of the fact I might never get to come back for a visit again. I could see that he was disappointed about that. I returned a mail and a while later the decision was made by him that he wanted me to bring my kids to live with him,he began to open up and be less scared of his feelings, he would tell me he loved me, said he wanted to get married. He has now told his Mother about me, told his friends of our plans. He is in the process of sending the documents from the visa petition. The whole process could take up to 8 months. I was on top of the world, he made me an engagement ring. We talked online most everyday..We only managed to cam a couple of times, the time difference issue and also he works some on weekends. It’s something that was fine with both of us, we had an if and when deal with communication which was mutually OK.So, you might think..what’s the problem? Well this is a biggie and is bothering me so bad I sat up all last night in floods of tears, confusion.. There had been an email in my inbox, turned out it was a spam link generated from his email address. There were three contacts that this had been sent to. Myself, a woman (quite ok, nothing to worry about) and also a very suspect looking title for another.. which had the words of his area HOT and NUMBER 2 In the email address itself. Well, I thought ok.I will plug this into Google, since it spanked of being a username or something like that. It sent me to a page with the same handle, with a related tag..It was for a couple in his area, looking for other couples, for casual sex and sex fun. It took me to a page..to reg up on a sex contacts page. I reg’d up, typed in the username I had lifted off Google..found “no such user” I also trawled almost 600 pages of the site, scoured pictures and comments of anything related to his area..couldn’t find anything relating to him or this other couple. As you can imagine, after going through page after page on this site, seeing some of the people on it and how it operates..I was totally emotional, had a real head of bees about it, cried, talked to friends, cried more..didn’t sleep. I had forwarded the mail back to my fiance, with no comment..thinking..if he is guilty of something the mere thought of me possibly seeing that email address name would spark off a raised eyebrow. Or maybe he just didn’t give me the credit to be smart enough to work it out. Anyways I received a mail.”My email has been hacked, do not open anything unless it has whatever header in subject. So this was pretty soon after I forwarded. Course it made me immediately think..Ah! He is going to notice. I didn’t have anything in me to reply to him, in fact I ignored the fact he was in Gmail,perhaps hoping for a chat, since he is leaving for a work thing for the weekend (sincere..) Anyways..I think, I can’t leave the situation of not mailing forever..so I fired off a short email, saying..”hope you sorted the email issue and hope you managed to let ALL of your contacts know there was a problem”…I then hopped into Gmail some time later..I see his cam light is on,meaning he must be in some cam chat..I typed in the chat box “hmm” and then three minutes later he was off there and gone, not a word . His Gmail account has all of his business address on it for where he works..I couldn’t imagine he would be doing anything “weird” in there, when his mail comes from Yahoo, there’s a perfectly good cam set up for that for him if he chose to get himself some action. He might have missed the flag of a message if he was in a hangout and simply logged off. But, course, my mind was playing awful games with me paranoid wise. Anyways..there was a “good night my love” sent through my mail, whether it was coincidental he had sent that or whether he felt he needed to cover a track in ignoring the Gmail chat comment. I had told him in a earlier email that I had “gone down a rabbit hole today” He had assumed I might be ill, sent me a “get well message”..by then rather than directly asking (to which I know I will get no answer) I had a couple of shots at..”I’m not ill, wish I was, got things on my mind and cannot sleep”..being a man or avoiding, he made no comment on why I was feeling like that..he sent me a one line and he was gone. So, this is where I need help..I cannot prove that this email address and this username..also he are tied together..I cannot tell when he would have had any kind of contact with this person (S) , what timeframe, if it still occurs, if he had sex with..not just one person..but a couple, if it was just a case of one time they exchanged pictures or mails. It is so at odd’s with the person I see..that is the “head fuck” ..why send for me, why ask me to marry him, why buy me things and let me tell my son we are going to be a family..If this is something that is past I can deal with it..if I might be just clutching at straws I wish somebody could calm down the irrationality. My gf’s have said..you cannot trust him, you should not give up your life for him..In my mind..I think he uses the internet to project a person that gives him some confidence in himself, back in return..Yeah, it’s a lousy way to do it, he gets womens attention, he has emotionless exchanges..the fb especially I view that there is unlikely to be any sex involved with. But this swingers site..It really bothers me a lot. I have already let the past and the fb issue go..but how do I tackle this..I know him, I know there level of discomfort being found out about something (even if in the past) can cause..it will make for a very reactive situation..I need some help or advice as to help me get my head around this..I also have read some of the previous posts and I do see that it is a bit of an ego addiction…whether simply talking to somebody in a mild flirty way is cheating..I doubt that..but whole new levels of low are these sites, esp within your partners area. I have read that Yahoo gets majorly hacked a lot, that it can tag and send spam to people that you have only even ever had one mail from or sent to. If anybody can give me some advice I would appreciate it. I must stress that, I found nothing on the site regarding..the address that I came across in spam, nor any sign of a profile he might have made..It’s not hard to uncover him if he is there..There isn’t anything on that particular site. Help please..I’m going crazy with my thoughts, esp given the level of commitment I must have to move overseas with my son

  37. @inky…….We’re having a hard time deciphering your question. Could you condense to the basic points. Meaning: This is what you know. This is what you don’t know. These are your questions. Here’s our take on what you know: 1. You know he converses with another woman on Facebook from site you met on. It’s borderline sexy, flirtatious. 2. You know you got a suspicious email about a swingers site pointing to him. Here’s what you don’t know: 1. What’s going on between him and Facebook woman if anything. 2. If he actually got SPAMMED or is actively involved with swingers site.
    Questions that jump out at us: How many times have you seen him? Do you really know him? Have the two of you talked about these types of things? Trust? Commitment? What does that mean to him? How much older is he than you? Basically, our gut reaction says, maybe you don’t know him as well as you think you do. And that you need to get to know him much better before you do anything rash like moving across the world to be with him, especially since you have a child to consider. This whole things seems to be moving way too fast. We’re not saying throw in the towel, but you’re far from being ready to get married to this guy.

  38. Hi
    to clarify..I have known him for around 15 months now..7 months before I met him the first time
    By the time the immigration process is over, if accepted for visa.It will add another 8 months to that time. There is also a pre requisite in the visa requirements that people should have met at least once in two years.If it goes over that then another visit must be made. We chose the option of becoming engaged, since the US does not allow for a trail period as such that I could feasibly manage from this end. Circumstances dictate this route. For many people that immigrate, often time spent with a potential wife could have literally been a week..Take for instance some European countries that involve brokers, some don’t even speak English, let alone form any real bond for commitment .
    I spent a month with him in the States.We started as friends of course.The internet avenue does allow for some strong ties to be made, but it has been backed up with a lengthy a visit as time would allows.
    I am approaching 40 and he is approaching 46. He has no kids, previous divorces behind him and he is on good terms with ex partners.
    Though he has not been in a relationship for 6 years

    Finances and responsibilities here dictate that I cannot just fly back and forth. He has very definite commitments at his workplace. During the immigration process it is suggested that visits over are not encouraged.It’s also in itself a long process.
    I know that his account was compromised, I also know that this was spam mail.It was one of the address that was listed for recipients, alongside my own that raised an eyebrow. Since looking into it, as I said before..when googled went into a related tag for a swingers site. However I have discussed this with a friend in IT it is possible that malware might have added on a unknown contact to the list on the spam mail. Or it might have been somebody that was once in his email as a sender or receiver of. I am hoping it is the first option..I helped him move house, I spent a lot of time on my own in his home when I was there, nothing to me indicated that he had some kind of swinging kink..no porn stash, no nothing..I was literally packing his boxes for him to move.
    Yes, there is the fb shizzle to consider, he kept that from me, I have brought it up..we split for a time and we ironed it out. I can deal with that kind of interaction ..there’s no emotion involved and any of the women show no sign of flirting with him at all..But yes, it isn’t a place I have been included in.
    I know that he was cheated on in the past and as a consequence had some very dark days. I do not believe that he would have me take my son there and myself with a view to making our lives extremely rough. I think he just hit an age that he wanted to marry. Yes there could be more talk about fidelity..As I said I did bring up the fb stuff and we got over it. I was worried when I saw this spam stuff of course. But did not react with a mail to him about it, as I had no evidence to back it up.
    The papers have not yet gone to petition for visa, so I have some days yet to think on the situ.
    The revelation about the spam from the IT friend today was somewhat reassuring . I had not seen any sign of him nor the user that was mentioned in the email on that site. It could very well either be very old news or a malware issue. He does not seem at all cagey about it either

  39. @inky………We understand about malware and such, but still, we gotta wonder. Because it doesn’t happen to most people, and only to people that may have been searching for this kind of thing in the past, or present. You should read some of the other people on this forum say about this and what they found out. Good luck with your decision.

  40. comNessa // May 9, 2013 at 7:24 am //

    I have a problem ……. I discovered that my boyfriend is on a chatting website by him being all suspicious on the computer. It was about 3 dyas ago when I found out by him being on the computer and then I walked up behind him and then once I touch him to let him know that I was there he quickly minimize the website and act like he was doing something else. It seem kind odd and it wasn’t time first time this happen, but I didn’t pay attention the last time. But when I did I decided to look up chatting website and the first one that came up and that was the website I seen him on. I don’t know how to comfort him but can you please help me? Because me and my boyfriend and even before getting together promise that we will not hide anything from each other. Thank you so much 🙂

  41. TO ALL THOES WHO THINK HES CHEATING…DOWNLOAD THE SPYWEAR APS ON HIS PHONE, IT WORKS! ALSO THERE ARE CAR TRACKERS, YOU CAN BUY THEM AT RADIO SHACK! MY MAN GOES ON ASHLEY MADISON AND I FOUND HIM ON CUPID ALSO LATER I FOUND OUT THAT CUPID HE GOT OFF A PORN SITE. I JUST FOUND OUT YESTERDAY HE GOES ON PORN CHAT SITES. IM HAVING HIS BABY IN 4 DAYS AND DECIDED IM LEAVING HIM!!! THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON WAY TOO LONG. HOW DID I FIND OUT? I SEARCHED HIS BROWSER HISTORY ON HIS PHONE. HE TRIES TO LIE ABOUT IT BUT THERE IS NO GETTING OUT OF IT BECAUSE I KNOW THE PHONE DIDNT CLICK ON THE SITE ALL BY ITS SELF. HE HAS A LOCK ON HIS PHONE SO WHAT I DID WAS THIS….HE LOOKED AT HIS PHONE THEN SET IT DOWN TO GO TO THE BATHROOM SO I QUICKLY GRABBED IT BEFORE IT LOCKED AND I CHANGED THE DISPLAY SETTING TO MAKE THE SCREEN TIMEOUT AT 5 MIN INSTEAD OF 30 SECONDS. THIS GIVES ME MORE TIME TO GET INTO HIS PHONE AFTER HE SETS IT DOWN. I CANT ALWAYS HAVE ACCESS TO IT BUT AT LEAST ITS BETTER THEN NONE.

  42. Ashley* // May 11, 2013 at 3:25 pm //

    My boyfriend and me have been together for 2 years and for the past couple months he is constantly accusing me of cheating well he is always looking through my phone and email and don’t see anything bad but still thinks I am doing something so I decided to to look through his Facebook page and email and I found out he was looking for girls on Facebook and his email has a lot of porn sites so I looked in the web browser history and there was a lot of dating sites and then he was using a text free app on his computer and he has texting on his phone but he said he didn’t do any of it but still admits no one else had used his phone or computer I don’t know what I did to deserve this and really could use some advice

  43. Ashley* // May 11, 2013 at 3:30 pm //

    When I kept telling him he was lying he said he knows I’m doing something so he was looking to see if I was on any of them

  44. @Ashley….This doesn’t sound good. Understand that a good offense is the best defense. What does that mean? He’s attacking you to put you on the defensive so he can do whatever he pleases. Red-flag. You need to give this relationship some serious thought. At the very least the two of you need to start communicating better and trying to work this out. You’ve got an issue on your hand. And we think you’re just scratching the surface. Remember, TRUST is everything in a relationship.

  45. My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. He got out of the Army and moved into my parents house with me for the time being until he gets back on his feet. He is an amazing guy and I love him so much. We get along so well. He is currently going through a divorce. His ex was horrible to him, she abused him mentally and constantly lied and cheated on him. In turn he started to lie and cheat on her as well. I have known about this from the beginning of our relationship and never liked him but did not hold it against him because I know she was horrible to him. Well recently I found out that he joined a website to find a “buddy” to hook up with. When confronted he lied to me about it. I did some more research and found out it had to be him so I asked him again, this time he told me he had signed up for it only two weeks ago. He cried saying he never had to answer to anyone before and he was in a relationship full of lies before but he said he wants to get better but its hard after eight years of abuse. He told me he would give me all his passwords and go seek professional help to help him with the lying and commitment to me. He said he loves me so much and wants nothing more than to have a healthy relationship but its just hard for him to adjust. Am I setting myself up for a lifetime of lies and betrayal or do you honestly think he could get better?

  46. Confused&Sorry // May 14, 2013 at 6:16 am //

    Hi guys! I know it’s quite an old post, but I hope you will still answer to it.

    Basically, I have the same problem as all the other posters and somehow it is a relief to have other people understanding.

    But still it doesn’t make i any easier. Anyway, just to make the story short: I have a very low self esteem and Ive been cheated on my my last boyfriend. So, though this still does not justify my behaviour, I snooped on his e-mails. I love my fiancé most than everything in the world, we are in our early 30s, he’s in the army and we are planning a future together (living together, marrying, etc). We are currently in the process of setting up our own place and we are almost through it.
    However, I’ve been finding the oddest things about him… latest, that he’s joined and erotic dating website, while instead he tells to me that this kind of things are very very sad.

    He is currently going through a very rough time (sligthly depressed), he’s far from home and we cannot see each other as we used to… with consequent lack of intimancy above all other things.

    So, really, if I would have find out he was watching more porn, I would be understanding.
    But, subscribing to a dating site?

    I don’t know how to look at this, if I have to call it off and breaking up for good with him. But I love him so much and though I’m currently shattered by hurt and confusion, I cannot see myself saying goodbye to him.
    Also, he will be home this weekend and I don’t really know how to act around him… unless I’ll be able to make up my mind by Friday.

    May I be reading too much into this? As I understand, on most of those sites there are only boots and not real people and I guess he knows it too.

    Also, he keeps reasuring me about us… I guess he felt I’m pretty low right now.

    I cannot confront him, because there no chance I found out about this only by “accident”. And I don’t want to admit the snooping, because then the discussion will be on that subject and not about the real issue here.
    I would like to give is a try and make him understand on general term that i won’t accept him being on a dating site. However, I fear I have to brace for the worst… so, how can I break up with him, without giving him a reason and while I’m still deeply in love?

  47. @Kara…….We’re sorry. We honestly can’t answer your question because you know the guy better than we do. What do you think? What do your friends think? You’re right to feel nervous about this though. Most people have a difficult time changing. But he could be the exception. Who knows? So you have two choices: 1. Leave him now. 2. Proceed with caution….keep your eyes open….observe his actions and keep assessing along the way. But remember this. Love isn’t always enough. And you know that you don’t want a life full of worry. That’s not a very happy and comfortable way to live. So let’s say he does get better, but you can’t seem to ever totally trust him, then it’s not going to work for you anyway. If that makes sense. Basically what we’re saying is that a lot of this comes down to how you feel, not necessarily him. Good luck.

  48. @ConfusedandSorry….You can’t keep it to yourself, and you can’t break up for no reason. So where does that leave you? Confessing that you snooped and beginning the discussion. Otherwise this issue is never going to be resolved. We are in NO WAY guaranteeing a positive outcome, but we also know that there’s no way for a positive outcome without talking about this. You’ve got a problem here. You can’t ignore it. Remember this: Just because you found out the information by snooping doesn’t mean his behavior is justified. Lots of people hire private detectives and find out that their partner is cheating. The person who’s caught can get mad, but they have to realize there was a reason for the lack of trust, and by the bottom line: the fact that they were betraying their partner. Of course, this is your call. We know it’s not an easy one, but that’s our two cents. Good luck and keep us posted.

  49. Wow… I end up here reading everybody’s comments and experiences because i was searching for answers myself and trying to understand why my boyfriend is on several online dating websites,I even found out that he’s in one “Adult Friend Finder” which is a website to find friends for sexual purposes…bottom line: internet opened doors for people, especially guys, to cheat even more as it allows people to create fictional profiles and act in the shadow. And yes, i snooped as i suspected he was not being honest. My reaction? as i no longer feel i can ever trust him again and i certainly will not be able to be with him again. I just signed up in one of “his” online dating website, the one that seems to me to be more trustworthy as it requires verification that the people there do exist, and posted my most recent photos with true information about me and just left it open and did not block him for him to see i am there too, at the “market” looking for a new love and that I’m moving on and that I am no liar. I’m sure that he’s seen me there already. And yes, I’m a very attractive woman, he feels insecure about it. By the way, he lied about his age, it seems he’s a compulsive liar. When I first met him he told me that he divorced his wife because he found out that his wife was on dating sites, i wonder now if it wasn’t the other way round. Anyway, girls my advice is where there is no trust, love is not enough… and yes, i do love him, it’s going to be hard, but i don’t want to build my life on lies. Wish me luck as i wish you all luck on whatever you decide to do with your cheating partner.

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