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Will he come back?

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Dear Guys,

I met a guy on New Year’s and we went out at the end of January. I was very hesitant to begin a relationship or even date since I knew there was a possibility that I would be moving at the end of summer (about 8 hrs away). I also had other personal issues that I was dealing with.

This guy was so amazing that I started dating him anyway, and within a matter of a few months I fell for him. This is the best guy I have ever met and the best relationship I have ever had. I am 28 and he is 30. He pursued me and was also the one to ask for the commitment. This was after we found out that I would be moving in June. We always said that long distance was manageable and that we don’t date just to date. This was something serious.

Well around the end of May—about a month before the big move—I became very emotional. I was sad to be leaving my friends and this amazing guy that I felt that I was in love with. I was leaving to further my career in residency (a two year commitment) and I even considered not going. However I felt that I had to leave to increase my job satisfaction which was at the time very low. But we said distance wouldn’t matter, as long as it was right. However I feel that my intense emotions of wanting out relationship to progress and survive the distance and my sadness in leaving may have begun to push him away.

Things were harder before the move and they continue to be now. I don’t know anyone in my new city and have relied on him for happiness. I haven’t been very happy but I’m slowly adjusting, which I think is normal after a big life change/move. I feel like my emotional stress caused further strain on our relationship. He knows full well I am ready to meet “the one” and so is he. Well this week he broke up with me. He says that he doesnt feel 100% committed to the relationship and that his emotions have hit a wall. However he says that there may be hope for the future after we have some time apart. And he says he is not saying that to “sugar coat” the break up and I believe that. There is seriously NOTHING wrong with our relationship. Only that he hasn’t fallen in love with me the way I have with him. The issue is that I still think it’s early (despite the way I’m feeling) and that love could still come in time. It’s only been 7 months. And he says he cares about me so much and wanted so badly for it to work. He says this arrest of his emotions has been growing over the last month. I have been away for two. I just think that he may feel this way because I have been so emotional. I feel that if I had played it cool, he wouldn’t feel this way. I have regrets.

So my question is, what is your take on this situation? Do you really think there is a chance for us? A chance for him to miss me during this non-communicative period of time? Should he know? Or are these the normal emotions that one goes through during this 6-7 month period that has been exacerbated through distance? I so hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. We are each other’s best friend and I just really feel that love could grow. But then again, maybe I’m being a silly girl and need to accept that fact that if he was going to love me ever, he would not feel this emotional block now, regardless of the circumstances.

Bridget

Dear Bridget,

Thanks for your question.

First of all you should have no regrets. For what? For being honest with yourself and him? Why wouldn’t you feel sad for leaving? Sure, you might be embarking on a new and exciting chapter in your life, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel mixed emotions about leaving behind some people whom you love. And if this is what drove him away from you, then the relationship didn’t have as much going for it as you perceived.

Having said that, we still think it’s possible for the two of you to reunite, but you shouldn’t ignore the fact that he doesn’t feel about you, the same way you feel about him. And for guys, probably more so than for women, this doesn’t typically change. We tend to “know” right away if the potential is there for a serious relationship. So if he was already feeling a bit unsure, your emotional outpourings just gave him an opening to end things. (But they didn’t CAUSE his change of heart regardless of what he might say.)

Sure, distance can make the heart grow fonder. We’re sure your guy is missing you. But keep in mind that distance also makes people forget. It’s likely your guy will start to remember all the qualities he loved about you and block out why he wasn’t sure in the first place. But that doesn’t mean he’s truly changed his mind about how he feels. The only way you’ll really know how he feels will be if the two of you live in the same city and really give it a go. (But didn’t you do that already?)

Our suggestion is for you to try to be open to new possibilities in your new city. Try to focus as much as possible on your career and all the new people you are meeting. (We know this will be difficult) Because all you can really do now is wait and see what happens. We wish you the best.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

 

 

46 Comments on Will he come back?

  1. i forgot to mention- he lives with his aunty and uncle who raised him and his aunty said that she feels someone is brainwashing him and feeding him nonsense about us and she is going to find out. she said at his age they tend to get peer-pressured alot and its not right he cant think for himself. it just makes no sense because 2 weeks ago he asked me again to be his gf and he did say he is speaking to two other girls but he is just getting to know them. but when i said what has changed he just said he just doesnt care anymore and doesnt wanna chase me even after i told him i decided i wanna be with him. i have never ever in my life felt so hurt or understood hurt. i do not feel like that for my husband at all.

  2. @Margaret…..We’re sorry. Take care.

  3. @Laura……If you broke up with you because his mother didn’t approve we say run and don’t stop running. Basically, if he’s letting his mother run his life, he’s not ready for any sort of relationship. And if you broke up with him, you probably had a good reason. Momma’s boys don’t typically change.

  4. Hey guys. My boyfriend just broke up with me out of the blue and it’s caught me off guard. We had a lot in common, but enough to keep things interesting. We spent most of our time together, but were perfectly fine when we had other things to do and one or both of us needed to go take care of something. We never fought. He was often telling me how much he loved me and how happy I made him (and vice versa). My point being we had a very nice dynamic and everything was great. Then bam. After 2 months, he came up to me and told me that he still loved me and still wanted to make me happy but wasn’t sure if the relationship was going anywhere. I asked him what specifically he was having a problem with and he couldn’t really name it. He said not anything like spending too much or too little time together or anything in particular I was doing…but he couldn’t seem to articulate what the problem was. He said he needed space to think, so I gave him his requested no contact space. Then he came back (a few days later) and said he still didn’t see the relationship going anywhere and that he thought we should break up. I was mature about it. I said I didn’t think he had given enough time to assess the relationship potential (given our dynamic) but that if he wanted to part ways, I understood and wouldn’t try to make him stay. And that was it. It took everyone by surprise. HIs friends, mine, me especially….no one really understands what the true problem is.

    I have two questions actually. A. Why would he claim to love me and still walk away? I honestly don’t think it’s the easy answer of “he just wants to get into your pants” or “he’s an ass” because he truly seemed like he was reluctant to break things off (though if that’s what you think it is, I understand).
    B. What are the chances of this actually being reconciled and him coming back? I haven’t contacted him since the breakup (mostly cause I’m too angry). But I do still have feelings and it’s hard trying to move on from this. Part of me wants to put this behind me, and the other just wants him back.

  5. I was seeing this guy. He made it clear he’s not wanting a relationship.In the beginning he was over everyday and talking and texting lots. We hooked up and had bad sex, then hooked up again, and it was amazing. We slept together a few more times, then he went to work out of town for 3 weeks. We talked and texted everyday, sending sexy pics to each other. When he got back from work, (back for one week)he stayed at my house for 2 days and we had the most amazing sex,and a lot of it. Like hours… he said that my sex is the best he’s ever had. We went out the 2nd night for dinner and a movie, and I started getting all quiet because he was not showing any affection. He could tell something was wrong, but I didn’t want to say anything. We came back to my house and had amazing and lots of sex again. The next day he left and came back the following day briefly, and said we should go swimming while he was in town. After that, he didn’t call and hardly responded to my texts. So 2 days later I called him and told him that I felt disrespected, that he could at least call me to let me know he was busy and might not get a chance to see me blah blah blah. He said that’s partly why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now bc he doesn’t want to feel obligated to call. So after I told him how I felt the next day he didn’t call. So I was hurt that he didn’t get in touch and see me before he went back to work (out of town). I messaged him 2 days ago and said I wish he’d tell me what’s going on in his head. That I know it’s over but didn’t feel like there was any closure. And was it so bad that he feels the need to not even talk to me?? He replied today an said, “No, it wasn’t bad at all, he just didn’t feel right about it”. That’s it. I know he liked e bc we were really intimate and shared a lot of personal stuff, and he told me he liked me. But what the hell happened? From a guys point of view? Thanks

  6. @Mary…..Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. We don’t think it’s the easy answer either. But we do think it might be more straightforward than you think. He means it when he says you didn’t do anything specifically, or there’s nothing specifically wrong. It’s just a feeling he has. He wants to feel a certain way, and he hoped he would feel that way, but it turns out he doesn’t. And that’s why he broke up with you. Now, you might respond by saying, “Well, then why did he tell me he loved me?” And we’d say, because he wanted to love you, and he may be the kind of guy that loves the idea of being in love, but he’s also the kind of guy that sometimes gets caught up into the whirlwind of it all, and then when his brain kicks in he makes the true assessment. Bottom line: Pros and cons don’t work in relationships if that other thing—the undefined thing/chemistry/connection/attraction/whatever— isn’t there. So the two of you may have a ton in common and get along great, but it comes down to a feeling. It doesn’t sound like he has it. So for that reason we don’t think he’s coming back. We’re truly sorry, but that’s how we see it. Take care.

  7. Sorry I couldn’t leave a donation at thi time… I’m broke right now!!

  8. @HEARTBREAKER……..How could your relationship be over when it never actually started? Does that make sense? This guy was never serious from the start. He was looking for a good time with some benefits, and he was glad that you were accommodating. But the minute he got a whiff that you might want something more he bolted. So our suggestion: Don’t hook up with a guy if you see potential for something more. Meaning, wait until it’s a little more clear what he wants before you jump in the sack. Also, listen to what a guy says. If he says he isn’t looking for something serious right now he actually means it. Great sex won’t change that. He might stick around for a while to enjoy that but if he says that it means he’s not interested in you beyond sex. We’re sorry. Hope this clarifies things.

  9. I dated this guy for 6 weeks and we both fell so hard for each other. But when school started he became really distant and didn’t reply to my texts and we didn’t hang out but he was constantly online playing games. He finally asked to hang out and broke up with me saying the we needed to break up because he couldn’t juggle relationship and school. I asked if I was being too overbearing and he no, that I didn’t do anything wrong, and he still loved me. I asked what this made us now and he said friends, really close friends-if that was what I wanted. I was so shocked and hurt at the time that I didn’t say a lot but now I just want to talk to him about why he decided to quit instead of working things out with me and to see if he’d be willing to try again sometime. and he said “i don’t know, maybe if life slows down” but it didn’t sound very convincing. Do you think I’ve lost him forever or that he might come back?

  10. Hey Guy!
    I wrote to you around June 11 and your advice to me was that the relationship seemed forced and may have appeared to go as far as it could. You also said that if he wanted to reconcile or be friends he would show it.

    It’s been 3 months since I wrote to you guys and 4 months since the breakup with my ex boyfriend.

    Here is what happened:

    I stopped contacting him and started to just focus on myself. Everything turned around. He started calling me but every time I picked up he was verbally abusive and angry with me. He became this crazy person that would say terrible hurtful things to me. In 4 yrs I have never seen this behaviour from him. Because of how terrible he was speaking towards me I lost desire to even speak to him- I stopped all contact and would not pickup any of his calls. He then started harassing me with phone calls at work and started lying to me about being hurt or in need of emergency help baiting me to call him. Like a normal acing human being I fell for it and he would just start yelling at me again about how awful I was to him. Eventually when I stopped falling for that he started leaving messages telling me about his experiences with other women and so on. That hit my final nerve and I sent him an intended las message stating that- I was happy for him, that he should be with someone else and to just leave me alone. I stated that I made my peace with him leaving me and that I just wanted to move forward.

    He called me crying. Miserable and full of regret. He said he became combative with me because he would rather us be fighting then to be not talking at all. He said that the silence killed him and every time he called and I didn’t pick up it broke him.

    It took some time but we are now civil with each other. During our relationship we really did hurt each other. Now he calls me every day and is back to his normal self. He says that I am his soul mate and he is in love with me. He said he wasn’t happy with himself and took it out on me. He wants us to be exclusive and to work on rebuilding our communication and relationship.

    So here is my question: wth happened? How does someone turn a full 180 like that? I feel uncertain because I am emotional. Once someone has shown you how horrible they can treat you does that have more merit than how well they’ve treated you? I remember the wonderful man that I was with for 3 years but I am scared from the man that broke my heart suddenly and treated me like total crap the last couple months.

    Your perspective please?

  11. i was with someone for 2 years. when we met, I hadn’t been in a relationship in years. And I only allowed this relationship to develop because we hit it off well and i thought, hey, a nice guy finally! about a year into the relationship, he told me he thought we should break up. we talked it out, and he changed his mind bc he couldnt stand it. about 6 months later, he brought it up again when he had to move in with me temporarily. i let him, and 2 days later, he was back begging to come back bc he had only brought it up because he felt pressure of commitment since we had wound up living together somehow. fast forward to about 4 months later and I have a slew of weddings to go to (and was a part of) which is normal for our age, but these were all weddings for MY friends. we started fighting a lot. and we had talked about moving out of my place and looking for a place together. he began being wishy washy. i think it had to do with the pressures of commitment and moving to the next stage. i had already met his entire family at this point and vice versa. we spent holidays with our families, we went on each others family vacations. we were fighting mostly about this issue on looking for a place together, and fianlly, he said he wanted to take a break form the relationship but remain friends, at first i agreed, and he called me everyday, but nothing really changed. we still wound up with dates and sleepovers. finally i asked for a 2 week no contact period to get my head on straight to figure out if i wanted this relationship. at the end of that NC period, we went on a week long vacation for his friends wedding and with his family. we got back and the last month was rocky. we fought the day before my friends wedding, and he bailed on me. i txted him to tell him to get his stuff out of my apartment and he caleld right away saying he didnt want to break up and that he was sorry and he wanted to make it up to me. stupid me gave him the chance. a week later i tried tot alk things out with him and asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said no he couldnt even think about it, that he couldnt bring himself to actually break up with me and that if i wanted to end it, id have to do it. one week after that, he calls me 5 minutes before I am about to leave to go pick him up for a friends rehearsal wedding dinner to tell me that he lied, that he met someone a month ago (right after we got back from a vacation wtih his family), but that he hadnt done anything with her and that he cared about me, but i didnt bother listening. i told him i never wanted to see or speak to him again. its been 2 months since then and i miss him. i dont know if i want him back, but i cant help thinking that he cheated on me and that hes already moved on with this person he met while we were trying to work things out. he left a note behind asking that we talk soon right after i cursed him off. i havent called him since. should i contact him? will he contact me? why hasnt he contacted me? has he moved on already? i keep thinking that i forgave him too many times, that maybe I was clingy and needy somehow forcing him to stay. I just need some clarity.

  12. Hi there. I met my exboyfriend on line. We started talking and things really clicked. We scheduled dates 2-3 times a week. He was a police officer and had a busy schedule but we made it work. Everything seemed wonderful. He would open car doors when I got in and out of the car, he would drive up to me for the first few times until I was ready to drive to him. He met my parents and they liked him. He told everyone he was seeing me and I did the same. He text me every morning and every night, called me everyday and just made me feel so special, so naturally I returned all the same feelings. We planned vacations and made a bucket list of all the things we wanted to do together as our relationship progressed. We are both 25 and live at home with our parents. I have young siblings and he is the baby of the family. About 6 weeks into dating he wanted me to stay over since we lived an hour a way from eachother. I felt it was too soon in the relationship and hadn’t met his parents yet. (His parents were snowbirds and in Florida from December to April). I felt that in a month or so after I met them and we had been together longer that I would be comfortable with that. My ex seemed bothered by that. He said that if I wasn’t sleeping over by the next month he would have to reevaluate our relationship. I made plans to stay over and he didn’t seemed pleased by the day. I offered Thursday and he wanted me to stay over Friday. I had a family obligation on Friday night and Saturday morning and he wanted me to blow it off. I was more than willing to compromise but he seemed so done.
    We were together a total of 3 months and the relationship ended. We have been broken up for nearly a week now. When he broke up with me he called me over the phone before his midnight shift and said that I was a great girl and that we had the same goals and morals but that we were just in different places. I had more responsibilities than he did with my family and he was bothered by the fact that he knew he was never going to be able to sleepover at my house and that I was delayed in sleeping over his. I thought I was being respectful in wanting to meet his parents before staying over their house and we really weren’t together that long. Shortly after he broke up with me I realized he was already back on the dating website we met on and that he had blocked me on Facebook. It is sad and a shame that something so good came to such a sudden ending and How do I know if he even cared for me at all? Will he miss me? I’m aware that some relationships are not meant to be and that we may not get back together and that is okay. I just hate to feel as though our brief time never even mattered to him at all. Because they definitely mattered to me. I have not contacted him again and I do not plan on contacting him. I feel the breakup reason was so stupid that I wouldn’t mind giving him another chance if the opportunity presented itself but I just feel as though it never will. Any thoughts?

  13. @Nicole…..We’re sorry. It doesn’t seem as if he was invested in the relationship as you were. Maybe at first, but something must have changed for him. Your lack of flexibility really had nothing to do with it, unless he just wanted sex from you. If that is the case, then you’re better off being open to other possibilities. Our guess is, he needed an easy out because he wasn’t feeling the way he wanted to feel. It’s hard to say why since the two of you got along great, but it was something. We are really sorry. But honestly, if he pulled the plug this quickly, we don’t see a reconciliation happening in the future. If things had been intense and then you had a fight and he bolted, that would be different. But an amicable, friendly parting of ways does not often turn into a long-term relationship. We are truly sorry. It’s too bad he wasn’t open to giving this a shot. But as he said, being compatible is only one aspect of a relationship. Any other questions/thoughts?

  14. @One of the Guys
    It was strange because I see your points and I definitely understand where you are coming from and I’m sure I’m better off without him. However for me the flipped switch irritates me. We were intimate and all seemed well in that department. The Thursday before he broke up with me he surprised me at work with a bouquet of tulips, and we went out to dinner. Then he came over on Friday and on Saturday I went over there and that is when he seemed distant. I guess he just gave me an excuse to get out which sucks but it is what it is. What would have been the point of making such a large effort earlier in the week and then just ditching me a few days later? How can a mans mind change that suddenly?

  15. @Nicole….Well, it’s possible he wasn’t sure and that he was fighting his doubts. So he kept pressing forward hoping that his doubts would go away. It seems to you like a switch was flipped, but we hate to say it, but it’s likely he hasn’t been sure for a while and was just hoping he could resolve the inner-conflict. Another piece of information you should have. (It’s not going to be pleasant.) Sex also factors into this. (We’re assuming you were intimate.) Before sex and after sex is literally like flipping a switch for a guy. In fact, a guy doesn’t really know how he feels about a woman until after he has sex with her. Everything that happens before sex is like foreplay, including flowers and sweet words. What happens after is really how the guy truly feels. Not necessarily the moment after, but the next hours, the next day, until his hormones kick in and he starts thinking about sex again and the cycle repeats. Maybe you know all this already, but we felt it was important for us to say it.

  16. Thank you so much for your response and your insight. I really appreciate it.

  17. @Nicole……You’re welcome. Take care of yourself. And we hope you let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  18. Michelle // April 10, 2016 at 5:00 pm //

    Hi there!
I was dating this really great guy he was wonderful. We met online and instantly connected. Within a week of talking we made it clear we only wanted to see eachother and by the third date we were exclusive. Things although we’re moving fast felt right. He had a great job, good family and we are both 25. This is my first real adult relationship and there were aspects that made me nervous.
We both made time for eachother and drove back and forth to each others houses. He met my family and they liked him. My family is kind of quiet and I think he expected more from them but they are just quiet to themselves people, and are new to the while me dating people thing. His parents were in Florida for the winter so I didn’t get to meet them. After a month of dating he invited me to Florida to meet them but I was too scared to talk to my parents about it and just told him I thought it was too soon. He asked me to stay over and again I was nervous to do so so I said I need some time. We were intimate and he planned wonderful dates and always had an amazing time. He surprised me at work with flowers and always was trying his best to make time for me. He is the baby of the family and I am an older sister. I invited him to hang out with my family and he didn’t want to feel like he was babysitting which is fair. Because of my young siblings I can’t ask him to stay here but my older brother has a house of his own and we are always welcome to stay there. On the weekend we broke up my parents were having a fight when he came over and wanted everyone out of the house. He took it personally as they didn’t want him in the house. I tried to explain it to him but he felt disrespected. I understood since he drove an hour to get to me and I apologized. I drove out to see him the next day but he was cold and distant and still bothered by my family. He broke up with me the next day and told me that I am a great person, that we had a lot in common but that we were at different places in our lives and that he wasn’t happy. It’s been two weeks since this breakup and I haven’t reached out at all. I really was falling in love with him and I think he was so turned off by me always saying no in fear of my parents and their opinions as well as his perception of a bad night. Now that I have taken the time to reflect I see that I was hesitant and nervous and scared and could have handled things so much better. I want to reach out but don’t know if I should. He went back on the dating website we met on a as of a few days ago he recently took it down. I’m not sure if he may have found someone else but I think if I just apologize and tell him I know that I screwed up that we could make it. These past three months were the happiest of my life and the breakup wasn’t bad I just think he wanted more than I was willing to give. I realize my ways and I want to express that to him. Should I or shouldn’t I? And if he has met someone new will it even matter? What are thoughts?

  19. @Michelle….Well, what do you have to lose? You’ve already broken up. Currently, you’re miserable and sad. The worst that can happen is he tells you he’s not in love with you and doesn’t want to be with you. We know that would be really hard to hear, but the outcome is the same. So, yes, why not, if you can handle it emotionally. Before you do, prepare yourself and hope for the best. Maybe have a friend or family on stand by if it doesn’t go well. What do you think? We hope it works out for you. ps. Please share our site with your friends. Thanks.

  20. Michelle // April 10, 2016 at 8:37 pm //

    So I went for it and sent him a message. He had blocked me on Facebook originally when he broke up with me. He hasn’t responded to my message however i am no longer blocked on Facebook. I’m an over analyzer if you couldn’t already tell. Does this mean something at all? Or is it mere coincidence that he unblocked me on the same day I sent a message apologizing and trying to reconnect?

  21. @Michelle……..We could tell, but that’s okay. Lots of people over analyze. And in this case we can see why you’re trying to understand what’s going on. Of course, there are no guarantees as to how this plays out. He may not contact you at all. He might want to get back together. Or anything in between. But we can’t read his mind so we can’t speak as to whether it’s a coincidence or not. Sorry. We know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to sit tight on this. If he doesn’t contact you soon then you probably know he’s moved on. That said, at least you won’t have any regrets because you’ll know you did everything you could. Keep us posted and take care.

  22. It’s been 10 days since my boyfriend and I broke up, he broke up with me and said he needs space and can’t be in a relationship at the moment. Our relationship wasn’t exactly the best but when everything was good it was amazing and when it was bad things were really bad. I haven’t spoken to him and I am try to focus on me and he hasn’t contacted me either apart from to say thank you for a gift I sent him. I am trying the no contact rule for both myself and to give him space. I love him so much and I really think we have something worth saving. He was really upset leaving me and its been so hard considering we spent every day together and now we haven’t even spoken for a while. My plan were to wait another 2 weeks and try to ask if he wants to get a coffee and just catch up no relationship talk or anything. I have no idea if he even wants me back or if he misses me because he hasn’t even tried contacting me so I’m constantly going around in circles trying to figure it out. Do you think he would come back or contact me eventually? And what’s the best option in order to get him back?

  23. @Bianca……We’ll be answering questions via the comments section tomorrow, Tuesday, EST. We’ll be in touch then. Hang in there.

  24. @Bianca…..How long were you together before the break up? And when you say things were really bad, what exactly do you mean? As per your plan. Sounds solid..ish. Give him some space. Then reach out to him and see if he wants to talk. In order to give you a more comprehensive response we need a bit more information. (Details of relationship. Why he broke up. How old the two of you are. Etc. etc.) Fill us in and we’ll get back to you. We’re answering comments on and off for the next three hours.

  25. Hey so I posted on here Awhile ago about my ex, I’ve kept the no contact rule for one month now and then I sent him this message dear (blank) , you may read this, you may not that decision is up to you, but I need to say this as it is all I’ve been thinking about. I did miss you, I felt crazy because of the loss of you was so hard, but you know what? I can actually be by myself and be on my own and I’m coping very well with it, so for all of those times you told me I couldn’t, look at me now. I’m glowing! ✨ I thought about getting back with you, trying my hardest to win you back, I cried and cried for days, I read relationship books, I spoke to a counsellor I had no idea what to do, I was asking all my friends what they thought and if there was the slightest chance, but I soon realised you weren’t worth any of that. Someone who doesn’t appreciate the way I care about them does not deserve me to chase after them. Someone who runs back to all of their ex’s, someone who lies so easily, someone who does drugs and lies, someone who has an anger problem that turns violent, someone who accused me of being a manipulator when they themselves was one and couldn’t admit it, someone who is like that does not deserve anything that I have to offer. I treated you so good, I was there for you, I listened to your problems and I gave you advice, and I motivated you (yeah I have had my ups and downs not saying I’m perfect) but I have a kind and gentle heart and that will never change, I cared too much about you. I should never have let my wall down to begin with. I am a very strong person and for me to be broken down at the very end, someone who cares about me would not walk away when I’m crying out for help out of the fear of being depressed. I still haven’t got an apology from you from that. I probably never will, but I’ve accepted that because I could never forgive you for that. I know you haven’t told anyone the whole story with what happened, but that’s okay they’re your friends and work colleagues, it’s up to you to tell them the truth or not. But I’ve never been so heart broken in my life, yes I know I should never have told you to not smoke, it’s your life your choice. You told me at the beginning I would never have liked you when you were the person you use to be. You’ve turned back into him and you’re right I don’t like you. Our relationship was falling apart and I was silly and tried to pick the pieces up but you didn’t want to help. So I’ve done too much and I can’t do anymore. You’ve gone so easily not speaking to me for these 4 weeks that its surprised me with how easy you can get over a 2 year relationship and not even try. I’m not saying our relationship or you in general was a mistake, it’s a learning curve. I’ve learnt valuable lessons and I’m taking them onboard for my future partner. I can’t be your friend ever, I can’t ever forgive you with what you put me through, you have no idea how much it hurts to be left on the floor in a mess of tears, while your boyfriend leaves you to go out for a drink and you’re there struggling with depression, I’m talking to a counsellor at the moment and they’re helping me through my depression and anxiety. So I’m becoming stronger, I don’t like the person you’ve become and I realised if we got back together, nothing would change and I would be the one putting in all the effort and to be honest I don’t want to get back together, you’ve proven to me that you’re not the one for me, I can’t trust you, I can’t talk to you, I can’t have affection with you, you don’t make me happy, I can’t be with you. We had great times for sure at the very beginning but those days are gone and that was the (blank)I fell in love with, it’s sad that you’re not him anymore but we all reveal our true colours in the end. What you did was a cunt move, but that’s the person you’ve become, it was planned as much as you say it wasn’t, it’s obvious not just to me but to everyone, you had a head start in recovering. I saw signs earlier on I should have broken up with you many times, 1 when you lied to me on our 2 year anniversary about smoking, and 2 when you smashed my makeup, you may have paid me back but money doesn’t make me forget how scared I was, but I was in love and blind. I didn’t break up with you because yes I admit I was scared to be by myself I only had you, I had no one else. I didn’t want to be alone and I did have problems being by myself but this last month, I’ve grown stronger and I actually love being by myself, I can do all the things I could never do because I thought only of being with you, I’ve been shark diving, I’ve kept my hours at work, I can get there in time so your dad was wrong in saying ‘if I didn’t have you I wouldn’t have my job’ my work have been amazing and helping me through all of this, I’m going sky diving, My travelling for overseas is almost ready to be booked the money I saved up for us to move out is now being used for this, I’ve been to theme parks, I’m getting my lip fillers in a few weeks after being afraid to while I was with you, all of these things have made me happy and I am so better off now. I don’t need you or a boyfriend to fill that loneliness because I’ve filled that gap with myself. You say you cared, but actions speak louder than words, and (blank) your actions didnt show that. If you are going to reply with argumentative comments then don’t bother, I’m not here to argue and they will just be ignored.
    after a month of not having any type of communication I’ve discovered that our relationship was toxic and it wasn’t right, I’ve made new friendships I’ve recovered old friendships, and I finally did what I’ve always wanted todo, I am happy but I am pretty down as he hasn’t replied to the message, I’m a bit confused as to why I mean if I got a message like that I would reply, I have no idea what todo as he is always in the back of my mind, I just feel worthless sometimes and that I don’t really have a meaning, I’m very shy and awkward to be social I don’t know how to break that down and become social and have lots of people who want to be my friend. I also don’t know if he will reply or if he will ever message me, he did end up moving out and away and I haven’t seen him since. My iPhone tells me when my messages get seen with I message and when I sent that message it was literally opened a minute after I sent it, but there was no reply I feel stupid for wanting one, I’m just tired of thinking about him but I can’t help it, really don’t know what todo 😔

  26. @Jaideamy……We’re sorry you’re in so much pain. It’s good to talk about it. Try to understand what happened. Try to understand your part in all of it. That said, only time is going to take care of this. (Sorry, it’s cliche, but true.) Give yourself time to grieve, surround yourself with good friends and family, pamper yourself, enjoy new experiences. And it might be a good idea NOT to reach out to him anymore. You sent him the note. He read it. The rest you can’t control. Take care of yourself.

  27. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  28. So my ex and I have been broken up for 4 months now, no contact or anything, his boss keeps messaging me to dish dirt on him I did for awhile because as immature as it sounds I wanted my revenge but she keeps going on about it and will not stop and I’m tired of talking about him and want to move on, I just recently had a tattoo done by an artist he admires, he found out from an Instagram photo and his boss was telling me that he was extremely mad and he never stops talking about it, but we don’t know why that is, it can’t be jealousy as he already has a piece by him. Is it possible to be friends with an ex and how do I approach the subject?

  29. @Lucy…..It’s only possible to be friends with an ex if both people want it and can handle it. Sounds like the wounds are a bit too fresh for that to happen now. Maybe in six months to a year. Both of you need to be off the other’s radar for a while.

  30. Lovinghurtingconfused // December 7, 2016 at 9:10 am //

    Dear guys, my ex “broke up” with me a month and a half ago. Saying that he doesn’t believe our relationship is going to workout in the future since he is going into the military. He said he loved me and didn’t want to end things but didn’t think it was fair for me since he is leaving. He kept saying he loved me and ending things wasn’t what he wanted. I told him I would be okay and I want to do this journey with him. He said it wasn’t fair to either one of us (as he was trying to hold back tears). Made me realize he was scared (as I’ve learned through our relationship that he is afraid of being hurt). That night seemed like any other night, after I said “okay then” but no real words were said that it was a breakup, we talked about what was going on with our families and coworker’s, we laughed, we hugged, j kept trying to leave but he kept trying to talk (he was my best friend after all). But either way I did the the NC rule starting the next day. I was trying to do 21 days, i completed it and decided to go 30 days, but at 25 days I was at a mutual friend’s house and he showed up with some friends. There he hugged me hello, sat next to me, exchanged a couple of words with me (like we were friends), would stretch his arm across/front of me to reach for cards (playing a card game). He hugged me as he was leaving and said “it was really nice seeing you” as he slowly let go he looked at me with those stupid sweet eyes as he always did before and walked away. Our friend asked him why he just doesn’t let me take him home because he got a taxi and he said “I left my car at their house (friends he came with), don’t you think I thought of asking her to take me home”. I was so confused by that comment, he has never said anything just to say it, but maybe this time was different. Our Friends said he wasn’t as sarcastic or argumentative or funny as he usually is, (he seemed sad). I didn’t try to talk to him after that. BUT you know how they say curiosity killed the cat, it killed me to find that he has a dating profile stating “looking for a relationship… someone to join me in my military journey, start as friends and move from there” like we did. So what’s going on? Did he lie to me about still loving me and not wanting to end it? He’s mom believes he has a friend who is being a “bad influence”, my sister knows the guy and believes it too… but my ex is old enough to make his own decisions, right? Our mutual friends think I need to talk to him to let him know how I feel and to get some kind of closure but I read that’s never a good idea. They think something is up with him. Not sure if he is just changing or his friend is really good at convincing. I’m driving myself crazy just wanting him back, wanting to know the real reasons, and wanting to be strong and just completely let him go. I love him too much to hold him back from his longing to go into the military, I did nothing but support him while others told him he wasn’t thinking straight. Another thing is that his birthday is coming up, I wanted to send him a birthday card because if I text him and he doesn’t reply it’ll break my heart, but a card, I’m not really expecting much of a response. I don’t want to use it for reconciliation or to get anything from it, I just want to send him a birthday card. Sorry it’s so long.

  31. Lovinghurtingconfused // December 7, 2016 at 9:17 am //

    I forgot to add to that super long crazy comment, two weeks before I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted me in his future, he wanted me to be here waiting for him to come home, but that it is unfair to ask that of me, and that he saw a future for us together but he was scared. I told him I’ll wait for him with open arms and that I would be with his family waiting for him because they would be a great support system. I told him I love him and that I am proud of him for doing what he longs to accomplish.

  32. @Lovinghurtingconfused……..We could give you a more comprehensive response to your long question if you chose the Ask a Private question option. (Although there is a fee for that.) Typically, we aren’t able to answer longer questions in the comments section. Just not enough time in the day. That said, what exactly is your question? We’ll do our best to give you some sort or response/opinion here? (Or you can choose the other option and have a longer discussion.) Seems like you want to know what he’s thinking? If he truly loves you? That sort of thing. Let us know.

  33. Lovinghurtingconfused // December 7, 2016 at 2:55 pm //

    I’m just afraid of buying all these dating advice books and sites and end up just hearing/reading the words “it’s really over, get over it, move on, he has” type of thing.

  34. @Lovinghurtingconfused……We understand. Seems to us you need to get to the bottom of why he broke up with you, but yet has an active dating profile stating that he’s looking for someone to be part of his military journey. Have you talked to him about that? Or would he just not respond to you or not give you a straight answer?

  35. Lovinghurtingconfused // December 7, 2016 at 6:28 pm //

    How would I bring up the dating profile without him getting weird about me googling him:0? He was always great with talking to me about what is going on with us, problems we were having, things that scare him or bother him, how I was doing. But when we were breaking up he was super vague about it, not going into much detail just saying it won’t workout and it’s not fair for us. Made me think that maybe he just wanted to go on this journey on his own because he was afraid, UNTIL I found that dating profile. He was never into dating profiles before talked bad about them, hated social media, and all of a sudden he is on every social media and a dating site. Could it be his coworker getting into his head? I texted him a couple of days ago about something that made me think of him, he replied shortly after with a “hahaha where did you see that happen?” I replied and no response from him after that. But if I do ask him if we could talk, he is a good guy and would probably say yes. I just don’t know how to go about it and I’m afraid that I’m not emotionally ready to hear something negative from him. I know he still loves me but he has always been afraid of getting hurt. But I know it’s best to do it sooner rather than later for me to get some understanding.

  36. @Lovinghurtingconfused…..There’s no easy way to do it. You either decide to talk to him or you move on. But understand something. If you bring it up he’s going to try to flip it on you and say you shouldn’t have been snooping, etc. But the bottom line is: You found damning evidence. So this is on him now to explain it all. (Although we think the evidence speaks for itself.) We’re sorry. Good luck.

  37. My ex and I broke up 2 months ago and never had space. We both continued to hang out all the time and do couply things and he would say “you’re going to get me back if we keep doing this.” Recently I got a hotel room and he stayed with me and throughout the stay he became affectionate and told me I was his soulmate etc. He also got very drunk one night and I brought him back to the hotel room and he kept asking for us to be together again and I told him that he was drunk and we needed to speak about it the morning. I told him he would change his mind about it and that’s exactly what happened. All night he was so affectionate and telling me he wanted to grow old with me and saw us dating in the long run, however he woke up that morning, and told me he meant every word he said but didn’t want a relationship. He told me that night that he wanted me back because it was too hard being away from me and too hard being broken up, but it was his choice. I’m just wondering how I can get him back. I know there’s affection and love there but his logic is just blocking him…

  38. @Jacqui……This same pattern is going to keep happening over and over until one of you moves on. He may love you but something isn’t working for him. Maybe he isn’t able to articulate it, or doesn’t want to. But it’s not because of logic, it’s a feeling he has. Otherwise he wouldn’t have broken up in the first place, or he’d be back. We’re sorry. FYI: Also, be careful. When a guy is lonely and horny he’ll do or say anything. And then afterwards he remembers why he left in the first place. A vicious cycle.

  39. Hi, my ex boyfriend broke up with me two months ago after a stupid fight which got pretty heated. Since then I have begged him to get back together and he said no, then went a week without contacting him and he got in touch with me. We met up and he said he still loved me but didn’t know if he felt the same about me or the relationship anymore. Since then it’s been the same cycle of us talking and meeting up, him saying he loves me then changing his mind the next day. I went over last weekend and he told me he really did love me but he was confused and up and down with his feelings and he knew it wasn’t fair on me. Do you think there’s any chance we will get back together if I try to cut contact? Yesterday I saw him on a dating app and he deleted all the pics of us off his Instagram. So I don’t understand how he can say he is confused and that he loves me if he’s clearly moving on or trying to? I really want him back

  40. @Sasha……Before we respond we have a question: So what do you mean you meet up? Are you talking having sex?

  41. No, told him that sex was boyfriend privileges only. I went over to his and we just cuddled and kissed a bit and I stayed over. And he kept saying how happy he was that I was there and that he was so happy I stayed and asked me to come back over again the next night. But then the next day he said he really liked having me over but didn’t know if it was a good idea to get too involved again. He keeps telling me that he’s really confused but we’ve been in constant contact for the last two months so I’m hoping that maybe no contact will actually make him see that he has lost me?

  42. @Sasha……The fact that he went so far as to break things off and keeps saying it’s not a good idea to get involved again tells us that something wasn’t right for him. We’re sorry. So why does he keep contacting you? At the moment he’s in limbo. He’s actively looking to date others, but yet, he misses the good aspects of your relationship, and he’s lonely and probably horny. But there’s an important distinction: Missing you and wanting you back are two different things. Honestly, we know you love him and wish that he was back, but we think you’re caught in an emotional holding pattern and it’s not helping you. What do you think?

  43. Yeah, I guess it’s just weird cus he keeps blowing hot and cold. And when we’re together it’s like completely normal but it’s once we’re apart it’s like something flips. Yeah it’s defo unhealthy to keep entertaining him while he makes up his mind. Maybe if I go cold now completely and ignore his contact unless he wants to make a decision to be with me that might make him realise what we had was special?

  44. @Sasha……..It might be something to think about. Important Note: If you do cut him off and he does come back, make sure it’s not just because he’s lonely or because his hormones are raging. We’ve seen it happen over and over. Because a guy will do or say anything if he’s feeling that way. You take care of yourself Sasha. Keep us posted. ps. And we hope you’ll share our site with friends or on social media. Thanks.

  45. Yes, will make sure that it’s for the right reasons if he does. And will try to use these 30 days to move on and maybe I won’t even want him back by then. Will share the site with my friends. Thanks for all the advice.

  46. @Sasha…….Sounds like a plan. You take care. Come back anytime. And keep us posted. We’re interested.

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